The Big Picture

How We Heal

2010-11-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

In the hours of quiet
When the darkness settles over
and I am covered with my sorrow
and thinking of my little girl

I feel the warmth of arms unseen
wrapped and holding all of me

In this embrace I do not struggle
I do not try to get set free
I lay my head upon strong shoulders
and let His healing wash over me

Though there is pain all around us
and struggles will accompany
I know that I have found my Saviour
with His great mercy, rescues me

I will cry out in bitter mourning
I will scream out at the sharp edge of pain
I will have times of unconsolable weeping
But all of this will be for gain

Remember me not as bitter and hopeless
Not with tears streaming down my face
Remember me as a Warrior for Jesus
For in His love, I found my place

Carry not with you my pain and grief
not like a sadness or bag of weights
but take lifes' trials with a heart of embracing
Until we meet our eternal fate!

We cry out for healing,
we look for the cures
but much of the healing will not come
for sure
Not here on earth but later on
when we reach the Light, the eternal Dawn

Don't push me to say that I'm over this
That I should pretend pain does not exist
I've seen it and felt it and know how it's real
and all of this is part of How We Heal.

God is Faithful

2010-11-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

Often times I write in my blog, because the pain I feel is desperate and it comes when I am alone and the house is quiet and still. It comes when I cannot sleep and I need to cry out.
It comes when I have settled down from the tasks of the day that keep me occupied and I am able to clear my mind of mundane things. Then the whole of my daughters death seeps in. Pieces of her are around me all the time and I see her in other little girls, in the pictures we keep of her and in the small things that happen here without her. When I look at my children together eating dinner as I stand in the kitchen, it always strikes me "there should be four". I say this because...

I know some of what I write in this blog is dark and depressing and could even be viewed as hopeless. I am not hopeless, but hopeful. I am hopeful of the eternity ahead with all those I love. I am hopeful that while I am here on earth I will make a difference for Christ.

I have really good days. I have days when I smile all day and laugh and play and work hard and I forget that deep down I am sad. I don't think I will ever not be sad. It just takes different forms from day to day. You just don't get over the sadness that comes from giving a child back to Heaven. You just don't. Sadness will always be a part of who I am now but it won't be all that I am.

I read a great quote today in the book, Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. Mary Beth is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman and they lost their daughter Maria in May of 2008, just a few months before we lost Gretta. The quote hit home for me and it by one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." ~ C.S. Lewis

That about sums it up.

Lesley

Cold and Dead

2010-11-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Gretta, I drove past the graveyard today, I stopped.
Begrudgingly, slowly, heavily I walked up to the cold, still bed that holds you. The ground.
Your headboard a stone with words chiseled into the face, a small picture of you.
There was nothing there. It was an empty, lifeless void. A nothing, a cold, grey space of your memory.
I knelt.
I touched the stone, ran my fingers along your picture and touched your cheek.
I felt nothing and left.

This visit is just like my insides now. Dead, lifeless, cold and grey. Untouchable. Unseen and decomposing.

Is there a time when we are left alone to our own pain and self pity? Does God walk away? Has He decided to tend to other things? He has seen it best to leave me cold and empty now for 2 long years. There is no movement and I can't decide if it's my fault or not. I have no strength to lift myself out of this pit of unquenchable sadness and anger and lifelessness. Will He come and lift me out? Why does this have to part of my story and how long will it take???

I go to school now. I have decided to go back to school for my BA in Community Psychology and onto Graduate school for Corporate/Family Crisis Counseling and Intervention. I am doing well in school and have found a renewed passion for standing against the agendas of Satan on a secular college campus. At school I can be "on fire" for God, bold in my speeches against the popular agendas, but my drive home....my time at home....I am just this empty dead person.

I haven't picked up my Bible in weeks, I pray, but for other people or my kids, I work on Sundays, I am not in any spiritually feeding women's or co-ed groups. I can give, but I cannot recieve.

Can someone explain why this is happening to me? How long this will last? If I can change this? Or is God just leaving me to my own demise for a time?

The thing is, in the back of my mind, I just know that even though Gretta is gone, that is just part of my story. I just don't know what to expect anymore.

2010-09-17T12:20:00.000-07:00

So this is drawing that was left on our doorstep during the weekend of September 4th, Gretta's "Going Home Day". We still aren't sure who did it or left it on our doorstep, so if anyone knows, please let us know as we really would love to say "thank you" to this person.

We were just amazed at the quality of this pencil drawing, it is like Gretta is alive in the picture, it is that real. The Butterfly that was added into the picture looks like it just barely landed on her hat and is about to take flight again.

What an amazing gift.

The card attached reads:

"Matt and Lesley,

It's true that masterpieces do come in small packages.

I hope this small gift helps you to remember that!

Love and Blessings

From the bottom of our grieving hearts, we thank you, whoever you are!

Prelude to 2 Years

2010-09-02T21:47:00.001-07:00

Matt and I were on our way to college early this morning. We spent some time talking about the two year mark of Gretta's death coming on the 4th of September. We reminisced about the last two years, how difficult they have been and if the things people told us would happen were true to us or not.

One of the things people said in the beginning was that the second year was worse. At the time, that didn't seem possible. Nothing could be worse than the raw wholistic pain of death and it's finality, right? Well, we agreed that nothing really was worse than that. But the second year is more difficult in some ways. Matt mentioned that he doesn't want to "do something" on the death anniversary because he would rather not "celebrate" or mark that day especially. I thought that made sense but expressed that I feared she would just dissappear without anything tangible to remember her by and that people would just forget her.

We went to class.

After my first class, which got out early today, I walked outside to see Matt on his phone waiting on me. He immediately handed me the phone and it was our dear friend Eric. He and his wife Christina had just their third child early this morning. They didn't know if it would be a boy or girl, but Christina was pretty sure it was going to be a boy. They have a little girl named Selah, who is a bit younger than Gretta would be now and a little guy named, Ian. Well, it turns out they had another little girl today and they were calling to let us know that all was well and to also ask us a question. "Our other two kids have two middle names", Eric began, "and we were wondering if we could name this little girl after Gretta. Her name would be Mattea (pronounced Matt-ay-ah) Gretta-Claire, after Gretta." (Our Gretta's middle name was Claire.)

There I was wondering if Gretta would have something tangible to be remembered by and not two hours later, God answered in a big way for us. Matt and I were speechless really. We thanked them and shared our love with them and hung up the phone.

All day today I have been smiling and tearing up and praising God for friends so sweet and dear. Friends who would remember our daughter and just two days before the two-year marked day of her death, God brought a life, so small and sweet into Eric and Christina's family and into ours. I am amazed, once again at the love that others have and continue to show for us. I am amazed once again at how God listens in to our whole life and knows our thoughts and words and longings and delivers BEYOND what we can imagine.

Yes, it's just a name, but to us, it rings sweet and beautiful and it lives on!

Thank you Lord! Thank you from deep in our hearts, Eric and Christina Villenue and may God richly bless your family and our new little addition, Mattea Gretta-Claire Villenue.

In the Knowing

2010-08-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

Before she knew she was a traveler, the Compass was guiding her steps
Our Compass greater than the North and South,
Farther than the East or West
Had predestined her tiny feet to walk upon the temporary ground below them.

And as I watch the moon come out, or see the dawn again I wonder
If I had held you one more day, or looked upon the sweetness of your face just one more hour,
a little more I would have begged your Guide.
If all the sorrow that was swallowed, instead had spilled around me
Bright and beautiful flowers would have grown up from the tears and butterflies would have danced around them. And since I do not know for sure, I imagine that in Heaven all my tears made gardens grow and butterflies dance around you there.

If not that day, perhaps tomorrow, or years away or never
I could have known so much more of you. So much you might have said to me that my ears were waiting to hear. So much you might have taught me, that I will never know while I am here without you. Only the prelude to your lifesong was revealed to us, the rest is yet to come and I long to hear your story set to music. I imagine myself sitting in your gardens listening to you sing it while you twirl among the flowers and dance and laugh.

If time has spent itself so quickly since you went home and we lost you here,
Imagine how much faster it went in the having, holding and knowing you, precious girl.

I can accept that God designs, He plans, He wills, He knows
You were His little girl before you were mine
You are His still.

I would have never given you up, had He a mind to ask
You would have never stayed, I know, if it was your choice to make. Maybe it was you He asked?

The ground beneath my own traveling feet, grew cold the day you left.
I know it will not warm again until I reach our home and join you there.

When I see you once again, sweet baby, Gretta Claire
Then I will know the reasons all, the tears will stop, the burden lift
Until then I watch the time go by, how much more in the knowing.

The 5 a.m. Slap in the Face

2010-07-01T05:14:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning around 5 a.m. having a splitting headache. I tossed and turned a little trying to get back to sleep. No dice. When I wake up this early I am reminded always of my mom who says, "If God wakes me up that early, He's trying to tell me something!" So I listened.

"Read My Word." He said.
"Right now?" I replied, "It's 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm not even a morning person, whatever I read right now, probably won't sink in anyway." I argued.
"Read My Word." He said.
"Well, what would I even read?" I delayed.
"Romans." was the soft reply.
"I mean if You have something to say to me, can't you just say it while I'm lying here in my bed." My head throbbed, I couldn't get comfortable, couldn't go back to sleep.
"Get up! Read My Word." He ordered again.
"Okay, fine. I'm up. I'm going. See me, getting up..."

It is on the rare occasion that something like what happened next, happens for me. Even at this moment I can't recall this happening to me in particular, but it probably has once or twice before.
I go looking for my Bible. Any Bible will do I figure, at this point. I find my Bible and underneath it is a Student Study Bible. Mine is in a zipped cover carrier, which seems complicated at this hour, so I grab the Student Bible and it falls open. Before I have time to think about it, I look down to read the area in blue (the commentary highlight). It jumps out at me. "Quarrels with God!" It announces! "Quarreling with your Maker goes far beyond the spirited dialogue that Moses, Job and Jeremiah engaged in. Isaiah is describing an insolent assault on God's competence. Not only is it wrong, it is ridiculous-as ridiculous as a pot complaining about the shape the potter gives it." I am in Isaiah but the highlight sites Romans 9:20 hmmmm.....

I stand there, as I haven't even sat down yet, eyes wide open, "Really? No, seriously, really?"
I find the couch where I decide to turn to Romans, hoping this isn't one of those daily 'through the Bible' study things where I will have to go digging around for Romans because it's not where it should be. It's not. (Sigh of relief.)

Romans 9:20-23a "But who indeed are you, a human being, to argue with God? Will what is molded say to the one who molds it, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump an object for special use and another for ordinary use? What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience the objects of wrath that are made for destruction; and what if he has done so in order to make known the riches of his glory for the objects of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory-"

Wow! I mean, wow! Now this is nothing I haven't heard before, of course. But God's timing is always perfect, isn't it? In His mercy, He has allowed my anger to go unmentioned, until now. All of a sudden, He wakes me up and says, "Okay, I've had enough of your anger Lesley. I have been patient with you, and now I am showing you that I am HOLY, I am the POTTER, you don't get to pick, I CHOSE your path, so enough already." (paraphrased)...

By this time now it's 6:30 a.m. and Matt has to go to school in 1/2 hour, so I make him breakfast and a lunch to take along. After seeing him off to school, I ponder my morning slap in the face and decide, I should probably write about this one on my blog. After all Romans 9:23 says, ..."to make known the riches of HIS glory for the objects of mercy, which He has prepared beforehand..." I am an object of His mercy. Knowing this is a gift.

What's that saying? "His mercy is new every morning?" Something like that.

I have to end as honestly as I started however. I have hope that this is the beginning of a turning point for me in my grief, that some change will come with it. Being intimately involved with grief as I have been for almost 2 years now, I admit, I have doubts as well. I have had revelations before in this process. I have had moments of complete clarity and spiritual enlightenment. But the grief remains, it still disables me, overwhelms me, engulfs me, drowns me even. When you are grieving, there is nothing more that you want than to NOT be grieving. It is hard, exhausting, irritating, sometimes hopeless and always trying. I guess I say this because there is always that fear that you have made progress and once you admit that, people will expect you to be moved on, over it, past the hard part, that kind of thing.

This, today, is at least a notch in the road of grief, the process of it all, moving....somewhere. God is good. He is faithful, He is timely, He is Sovereign, He is mighty, He is merciful. I know this. I have no doubts of Him.

When She was Four

2010-06-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

I never intended for this blog to be about grief. It was more about 'The Big Picture' as it's entitled. As I see it....that is. But that's not how it's turned out. I certainly would never have imagined it being about my own grief, about losing my little girl. No one predicts these things.

As June 6th rolled around, Gretta's supposed to be 4th birthday, I experienced the usual milestone anxieties, depression and coping skills. Like always, I wanted to just crawl into bed for the day or week. Better yet, just not get out of bed at all. As usual, life expects otherwise and you get up and go on. Funny what they say, life goes on....even when you don't want it to.

Gretta's Butterfly Garden has been a huge part of the peace I get on a daily basis. I just decided I need to integrate some evergreen and winter pieces so that the garden doesn't just die off at the end of summer. It seems wrong, somehow to let it die away if it's a living memorial for her. Any ideas for shrubs or plants are welcome. I walk out to the garden at least once a day, rain or shine. Sometimes I just sit on the bench, other times I weed...lately I've been adding plants to it.

The fact that Gretta could have been 4, could have been here with us, could have been talking and becoming her own little person, part of our family, cuts deep. There are moments when I almost see her shadow, her little ghost playing along side the rest of the kids. It seems unreal still, even now.

I have set my mind on things above, not on things on the earth. I await Heaven almost desperately, planning my reunion, but never knowing enough to solidify it. There are days when I do not seek out God because I find Him elusive and redundant. This is a lie of course, but nevertheless, He is evaded in my personal life. Other days, I seek Him alone, solace, peace and comfort that comes only by knowing Him personally. I have found in Him an unfailing friend. One who stands by as I flounder, One who answers when I call, One who is a rock when I am a storm. He plans, I don't. He knows, I question. He comforts, I falter. He accepts me when I am unacceptable.

I still, two years after her death, waiver steadily from sadness to peace. I still weep uncontrollably. I still wish for death and am even jealous of those I know are facing it. I still have days where I can do almost nothing, I still feel like a failure in mothering my remaining children. I still am.

But it is better than it was before. It hurt to breathe a year ago, it hurt to open my eyes, to think, to feel. That intense physical pain is gone most of the time. It returns unexpectedly and in waves. Life goes on.

I still wish and probably always will that instead of all of this, I was talking about all the things she did, does or is doing, when she was four.

A Whopper

2010-05-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

I feel wonderful,
light as a feather
strong as a mountain
free as an eagle

I feel joyous
hopeful
expectant
ambitious
energetic
healthy
steady

I feel

that everything

I wrote

is a whopper

of
a
lie.

Flashback

2010-04-03T20:40:00.001-07:00

Saw a picture of Gretta the other day, with all of her siblings and friends on the 4th of July, 2008, two months exactly before her death.

It stunned me. I couldn't believe there she was in the picture. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Gretta! I forgot about her being there!"

That did it for me. There was 8 children in the picture, all of them looking at something else, except Gretta. She was smiling at the camera. Big smile, right in the middle of all those other kids, tucked in, little girl, safe, warm, loved. Gone.

Little Gretta.

Another World

2010-03-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

As we go, as we move, as we make, as we dwell, as we did, as we decide, as we make it, as we wake, as we struggle, as we laugh, as we cry, as we can, as we will, as we are....

Are we really living? Are we here? Are we making a difference? Is there a difference to make? Is it possible that all the things that we do everyday, the list of things that we "have to" get done, the things on our list of 'Things that matter to me', don't really matter at all? The mundane, the everyday, the in and out, the here and there.....is it accomplishing anything?

Is it a coincidence that so many people struggle? That there is so much pain? That there is so much wrong in this world? Is it really just the way the world has become? Did it really not "used to be" this way? Or is this the Way it is supposed to be....? Is there a Reason that this world is not enough?

"In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

Are we taking this statement seriously?

Can we put down our pettiness, lay down our annoyances, stack our irritations in a corner somewhere and SEE the Truth.

Are we living in the REAl World???? Or are we living in the Pre-World???

If this life is not really what we are here for, then what does any of this have to do with now? I strongly encourage myself and those around me to gain some perspective....if you have not been to the bottom of yourself, then PRAY for God to take you there.....so that you too can gain a Heavenly perspective.....

"Store NOT treasure for yourself on earth, where moths and rust corrupt it and where thieves are waiting just to steal it away, but store up treasure for yourself in Heaven, where there is no moths or rust or thieves."

Eternity. It is an awesome, mind-bending thought, isn't it? Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever......
But once we are focused on it, it is the most precious, intensely longed-for, brightest happiness that we cannot fathom here in this present darkness that is life.

Sure, have some laughs, hug those you love, TELL people you love them, ACT like you love the people around you....be somebody that gives LOVE to others, even when they don't deserve it, but keep your eyes on the prize, folks, keep your eyes on GOD and the place you are going to want to spend the rest of your eternal life.....Heaven.

I know I can't wait to go, my baby is there.....but more precious, my Savior is there. Get some perspective.

Going Through

2010-03-10T07:01:00.000-08:00

Not so interesting is this crabbiness, this constant anger boiling inside me. It's not so easy to be my friend right now, another stage when I don't even like myself.

Mostly, people just don't understand it and a big part of why they don't get it is because they have forgotten. (The other reason being they just 'don't know...') It is good to be validated by Grief Group, Grief Share videos, books, others who are grieving. The "normal" that doesn't seem so normal to anyone else, can really make you crazy. I am not suprised that people contemplate and sometimes committ suicide. It seems the easier way and I think it probably is.

Psalm 77:2c "My soul refused to be comforted"
Jeremiah 15:18a "Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable?"
Job 6:2a "Oh that my grief were thoroughly weighed"
Jonah 4:1 "But it displeased Jonah exceedingly and he was very angry"

"Grief is not rational. All the logic in the world will not allow you to escape the ache inside. It is an emotional jumble. The feelings are real: the mental and physical pain; the sense that it's all a dream and you'll wake soon; the denial; the caldron of boiling anger, the confusion; the embarrassment of one's emotions; disappointment, and frustration." {Gone But Not Lost, Grieving the Death of a Child, David W. Weirsbe, 1992}

I cannot explain where I am at right now with grief, other than to say I am in an unexplainable funk. Yes, angry, but disoriented and foggy too. I feel physical pain in my body, an ache that won't abate, I have headaches everyday without exception and to be honest, I just want to feel really good, for once. I carry the additonal burden of not being the kind of friend I want to be, mother I should be, wife I know I can be, instrument of help to others that I desire to be. I wonder how long it will be until people just give up on me entirely. There are very VERY few people in my life that have lasted this long as it is. People that ask, "How are you doing?" and ask it with the death of my daughter and the burden of sharing my grief in mind. VERY few. There is a small handful of friends that have stayed the course and I thank God for them on a regular basis and ask Him to give them endurance for me, because I need them and theirs is not an easy path to walk either. I do realize that. Their example will be my model in the future of how to walk alongside a grieving mother.

I told my sister last night on the phone something like this: Don't think there is no spiritual growth in anger, there is. It is not just in the depth of purest sorrow that we are changed, that we grow; it is in ALL the stages of grief. There is something to learn in each corner of emotion, in each day of pain.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow on you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; neither will the flame kindle on you."

going through....Lesley

I Must Have

2010-02-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

I put two little pigtails in her hair. Right on the top of her head with the back of her hair hanging down. It was the first time I fixed it that way. She stood, like always, letting me comb and part it, tying it up with little bands, twisting and securing each side. Her big green eyes watching me, impatiently, wanting to get onto the next thing. She never said much, but she learned to say, "Ouch!" from watching her big sister, Jordi, getting her hair fixed. "Ouch!" she said, though it lacked conviction. Just a word, that she now knew, appropriately spent on the event.

Right before that, I put on cute little jeans. It was the first time she had worn them. Little hand sewn patches into the sides, tiny jeans. I still have them. She was going horseback riding that morning, for the first time. She loved to go on trips and I wondered how much she understood about where she was going. "You and Russell are going to see the horse's and Gamma and Papa!" "Papa" she said. But she meant "Grandma" she always called my mother, "Papa", we just didn't realize it right away.

Her face, those big green eyes, those trusting eyes, that hair, those little curls. Her hair was the longest any of my children's hair had grown by age 2. That's why I liked to fix it, because I could. I know I hugged her, how could I resist? I must have hugged her close before or after I dressed her and did her hair up. I must have. I know I kissed her, didn't I? I must have.

Sometimes, like now, the pain of losing her, those last moments, those last quick unpredictable, unforeseeable moments, taken for granted at the time, not knowing what would happen, not knowing, how could I have known? It just comes back so strong, so horribly hard and fast, Oh God, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. Oh God.

Second Dream

2010-02-14T19:45:00.000-08:00

I had a dream about Gretta. It is only the second dream I have had. I wanted to write about it as soon as I could, because the thing with dreams is that you forget so quickly. I dreamt last night.

What makes this dream significant is what was revealed to me in it. Most of the dream took place in my parents house on 9Th Ave., the house I grew up in, a house that Gretta was never in. There were several incidents in the dream where Gretta was in danger, injured, or close to death. (She was bleeding to death, almost drowned twice, was climbing to the tops of various dangerous heights and ran out into traffic.) The entire dream I was just trying to keep her alive, but it was also known to me during the dream that she had already died and I had gotten her back from God for some unknown reason.

There were people from my family, (parents, sisters and their husbands, other children) and people from my home church as well.

All of this insignificant really, compared to the the point. I was unsmiling, angry at everyone, at one point everyone was going to a church event and asked if I would go. "NO! I'm NOT going!" I replied. "Why not?" my brother-n-law said, "Because I'm just NOT!"

Everywhere I did go (with Gretta holding my hand), I was unsmiling, sedated almost and angry.
I remember thinking, "Why did YOU take her and then give her back if all I am going to be doing is trying to keep her alive now?" It was then that my subconscious thought, "Why am I so angry in this dream, why aren't I happy that I have my baby back?"

A voice in my dream replied, (it could have been my own voice or God's), "You are in the anger stage of grief."

Okay, so that was the point. The interesting thing is that I had no idea I was in the angry stage. I know that it's 1. shock 2. denial 3. depression 4. anger 5. acceptance.
I had always thought I may bypass any anger stage on the sole fact that I am a Christian and that I trusted God's choice and knew Gretta's days were numbered from the beginning. I don't act angry, I don't walk around mad or sulky. I am very cheery at work and with people around me. But I AM angry. It isn't the kind of anger I previously have known. It is a deep anger, something inside me that is just there, something smaller than who I am as a person, but large enough to loom.

The upside? I know now. It is identified and by identifying it. Maybe there will be freedom? There will be freedom! Maybe not right this minute, maybe not even for awhile, but it will come. I am looking forward to #5. acceptance. Knowing I am in the anger stage reveals once again to me that we are human. We are made FULLY human, therefore FAITH will not spare us from humanity while we are here on earth. I will go through the stages of grief, they will not escape me and I will not escape them. Faith however; will keep me from getting stuck in anger and becoming a bitter, angry, wrinkly old crank. I believe that too.

I believe this dream was insightful, purposeful in that insight. A vision perhaps of my insides. Revealing, a shining light on the truth of my anger.

Rewards For Holding On

2010-01-26T11:50:00.000-08:00

Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

How difficult it is to hold fast to the reminders and promises of Scripture on a moment by moment basis. "Count it all joy!" ??? "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." ??? Really??? Seriously???

In the past two months we have faced losing our home, my being forced to take a job outside of the home with no childcare for the kids, Matt starting school, going to the county for assistance with our needs, the dryer breaking, the heat going out on the van, the vacuum saying goodbye permanently, the computer crashing and burning, H1N1, strep throat, an unpaid heating bill and 'Final Notice', Matt's grandfather dying, and other unmentionables.

As we struggle daily with the "How's and What's and Where's and even the Whys" and don't get me started on the "What NEXT?"; I am pulled to my Bible, my knees and my only Strength, Jesus Christ.

If I am honest with you, then I must admit that in each and every moment I am not singing praise with a thankful heart. Sometimes I wonder, "Where is God in all of this?" "What kind of a plan is this?" Other times, I feel grounded, satisified with His answers or lack of them, safe.

I am examining my heart and life, searching for the sin that must be making us a target of His wrath....I am no longer exempt from His chastising love, my period of exemption for grief is over. I can feel it. The last two years has been a painful pruning of my life and it goes on still. What am I missing?

Lamentations 3:26 "It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord." (Hmmmm, not so good at this one, am I?)

Create in me a clean heart, Lord, strengthen me with perseverance, patience and a positive disposition. Strengthen my faith, show me again Your unfailing love, let my hope not waiver. Whatever this is for Lord, let me be committed to following You and trusting in Your ways, not mine. Deliver us Lord from our afflictions, put us up high on a rock, while You do the work, let us be Faithful to Your Name. Amen

C.S. Lewis

2010-01-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

I am reading C.S. Lewis', A Grief Observed. It is his personal journal of grief after losing his wife and only love. In this journal he rails at God and questions God's existence among other things. Considering his impact on writers and readers across the world for the case of Christ, it was a little surprising to me. A little.

It is interesting to me and comforting as well that a man of such deep faith and conviction himself, found a deep chasm of unanswerable in grief. It is so. As we embrace our human response to death, (because we have no other choice, we are in fact, human) we also must embrace the totality of what it brings to us. Questions that never find answers, a deep sadness that never goes away but is simply masked by life's happenings and day to day living, a complete change in who you are whether you wanted it or not, a shaky belief in everything that was solid before, a loss of innocence (you no longer can believe "things will work themselves out" or "everything will be fine"), new awareness of death and mortality, the list goes on.

On the up side, if you will, an unshakable compassion, resolve, bent will, head -bowed submission, the ability to overlook: the stupid, insignificant, trivial, minor infractions, misconceptions, misplaced rudeness and life's general annoyances; the "bottom line" knowledge that I AM NOT IN CONTROL and a host of other things to many to mention.

I have not lost my faith, in fact, my faith has been cemented, but only by God's sweet grace. I have questioned God and He has responded, but not in full. He has heard my cries, looked in my face, held my crumbled world in His mighty hands, but still He will not be moved by me, only I by Him.

I have shaken my fists, I have clenched my teeth and I have dug in my heels and that's okay, but I have found that God is stronger, more powerful, more true, steadfast and unmoving. He is bigger than I am and we all have been on the playground before and know with certainty that if someone is bigger than you, well then, that's all that really matters when you're backed into a corner, isn't it?

There is none like HIM, you see. None. While we continue to argue on His existence or relevance or power or goodness or even the absence of goodness, He IS. Who can understand the mind of God? Nobody, that's who. Nobody.

When Is Enough Really Enough?

2009-12-07T17:31:00.000-08:00

Based on what I've been reading in Scripture, our trials are not promised to end when we have had enough. Quite the contrary really. When we have personally reached the 'point of no return' it becomes the ideal time and most common time, that God's true Spirit is revealed and the Power of God released on us. Which probably means, our trial has only just begun.

All that Matthew and I have gone through in this last year has centered around the loss of and secondary losses of Gretta. In the first months, we were in literal physical and emotional shock. This is part of the protection God has given us. I have talked about the journey much so I won't go into all of it, but suffice it to say, that at each stage in the first months to a year, there is a created path by God that we journey. It is when the shock wears away and the visitors leave and the extra padding of all else is gone, that God begins His work on us more visibly.

Right now, Matt and I struggle financially and although I think I have not spoken much of this, I will now. Matthew started a business one month before Gretta died. I have watched Matt struggle with his grief at a deep level and even now he is so deeply grieving, there is nothing I can do for him. We have been close to not making our mortgage payments almost every month since her death. Still, God has provided and in some cases, much like today, in miraculous ways.

This month, as you can imagine and probably even identify with, has been an especially difficult month for us. We grieve a little more this month, at least I am, and the job situation just gets worse. I have taken a part time job, that at this point is adding expense instead of income. We contemplate selling our house, before we "lose" it. But what then? I continually ask God, "Lord, whatever it is you want me to do, I WILL do it!" I will take whatever job You provide, I will let Matt stay home with the kids and I will work instead! I will move in with our parents if that's what Your will is, I will do what You ask, Lord, but WHAT are YOU asking?" Still, I have no answers.

My husband is so stricken, almost to the point of giving up, he is leaving the decisions to me. I don't want any of this. I am trusting in the promise, "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength..." but I have to be honest here, I am frustrated and wondering.

People say, "You've been through enough, God's not going to let this happen too!" And I am saying, according to the Scriptures, He just might! We don't know His plan for us, the story He is making with our lives, it's HIS story. Maybe this is going to be part of it too? I don't know.

But today, a little blessing, a small miracle and unexpected. I was thinking, okay do I have any "rich friends" I can call in a favor to? I mean maybe I should be better at networking, ha? So I went int to take my shower, praying out loud the whole time, asking, listening, letting God know, "I am willing, just show me what to do" and I thought, "Hey! God, YOU are the richest person I know! You own it all, surely You can send us some money, something!"

So I finish up my prayer and my shower, go to pickup Jordi, (our daughter) and pick up the mail on our way back home. I open a letter with no return address, looks like it's a Christmas card! Inside are two, one hundred dollar bills and a simple greeting, "Our family continues to think of yours". No signature.

I just have to say, whatever happens, NO BODY could convince me that there is NO God. I mean coincidence? I think not. So to the mystery family out there, you were our little miracle today, thanks for allowing God to use you in this way for us.

Inventory of Loss

2009-12-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

When you lose a child, you begin a journey of intense physical, emotional, spiritual and mental upheaval and transition. You have experienced a deep loss, nothing you have experienced before can come close to comparison. So it becomes uncharted waters, deep and blue, stormy and tempest.

As we travel through these waters, there is mass confusion, a total loss of your senses, direction and self-awareness. There is no up and down, no left or right. It is catastrophic and unprecedented. Over time, the initial shock wears away and we are left with unfathomable newness that must be worked through.

Part of this is an 'Inventory of Loss'. We don't realize all that we have lost at first. We have lost our daughter. Our sweet, innocent, 2 year old, whom we loved with abandon, freely and unconditionally. This next part that I write, is my own 'Inventory'.

I have lost my baby, the last of my children, the one I would pamper and defer to with all the little comforts the "baby" would recieve. Having her home with me all to ourselves for that last year or two while the others are in school.

I have lost the privelege of watching her grow into a young child and then a teenager and someday a young woman.

I have lost the daily routines and characteristic motherly chores of raising this daughter: teaching her about Jesus, potty training, diapering, teaching her to count to ten, her abc's, her colors, her shapes, her body parts, the names of her foods, picking out her clothes, dressing her, bathing her, fixing her hair, teaching her the art of matching her shoes to her outfits ;), painting her little toenails, etc. This list could go on and on.

I have lost the time I would have spent with her and all her little "firsts" as she grew. Getting her ready and taking her to her first day of Kindergarten, taking her to get her ears pierced, school shopping, snow sliding, ice skating, singing, playing an instrument, again this list could go on and on.

I have lost the beauty of watching her with her loving father, playing, wrestling, tickling, laughing, playing basketball, hiking,football, soccer, tennis, nightime stories and being tucked in with prayers and kisses, graduation from high school and maybe college and finally being walked down the aisle by her daddy.

I have lost watching her with her siblings, playing alongside her brother Russell as the best friends they had already become in her short time here, sneaking into her older sisters room, following her around and eventually developing a sister relationship that lasts forever, (like the ones I have with mine).

There is so much to inventory and that will change and grow as the days turn into months turn into years. I must grieve it all as I think of it, so that it does not ambush me when it comes. I know, this may happen sometime when I least expect it anyway, but I will do my best to try to look at it now and mourne over it.

These are the "secondary losses", they come alongside the death and become part of the grief that lasts a lifetime. They are the reasons you 'never get over it' because with each new day there is another loss realized, another emptiness felt, a new void, a missing piece. These just are part of an unwanted journey, but a journey never-the-less that we are forced to partake in.

God's loving and merciful character walks beside us, we trust Him, we learn to know Him on a more intimate level and love Him deeper, not just in spite of, but because of the trial.

Yesterday, as I was praying, I asked God to call to Gretta and to hold her for me and tell her that her mommy misses her so much and can't wait to see her again! I know He was listening and I could feel that He had her in her arms, whispering to her my request.

2009-12-01T10:14:00.000-08:00

Lately, my thoughts have again been Gretta. I was just thinking that in 6 months from now, Gretta would be 4 yrs. old. That doesn't seem real to me. How is possible that she was only 2 yrs and 3 months when she died and she would be 4 in 6 more months?

I guess for me, time did come to a standstill in that respect.

We are busy with the Theatre production of the Nutcracker, our older two children are involved in now. This week and next are the performances, 12 in total. It will be hectic. Our youngest now, Russell is busy at home with me during the days. I also will start a new job tomorrow at JcPenney in Coon Rapids, about 35 miles away. In addition to the job, I lead a Grief Group on Tuesday nights in Elk River. So things are moving along, life continues, you 'do the next thing'. Wise advice given to me from a friend months ago.

Matthew still struggles with his business, mostly with the energy he needs to work at it. I don't know all that Matt goes through on a daily basis, only that he is still hurting very deeply and there is nothing else I can do for him.

We sometimes wonder how long a trial will last, with this kind of loss, I think it will be a long time.

We have noticed, of course, that into our second year of grief, there is a fallout of family and friendship support. We understand the logic behind it, it is logical for people to continue on with their lives, unaffected largely because it is not their personal loss and enough time has escaped for the shock to be gone. It makes it a lonely grief for us then, sometimes.

I was in Kohls the other day. I usually walk past the little girl clothes with great effort not to stop or look. For some reason, the Christmas dresses called out to me and I had to stop. I picked up a 3T dress, just to see how big she would be, then I perused the dresses thinking about which one I would buy her, if she was here. I really had an overwhelming desire to buy it anyway, if just to give another little 3 yr. old the dress for Christmas. I didn't do it though. The little girl I had in mind now has a little sister and I didn't know if her parents would want them to match. I ended up behind a rack crying until I could pull myself together enough to get out of the store.

This kind of melancholy, I suppose, will be a part of most of our holidays from now on.

Still there is much to be glad of, much to be thankful for and I know that too!

Dear Pratima

2009-11-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

This is the email I sent to another mom who lost her daughter to a window blind cord this past year. She is of Eastern Religion, but really undecided in her faith. We have been emailing for awhile and I would like you all to pray over my email and over Pratima for me. She needs the Lord, she needs the blinders to come off. This is what I sent her tonight. It is the first time I have given her the gospel clearly, although I have made it clear what I believe up until now.

The Bible says, that we as Christians do NOT know grief like those who have NO hope. Right now, Pratima does not have HOPE. Incidentally, her daughter, Nyah, died just days before their second child, also a daugther, was born. Can you imagine the trauma of losing one child while another new baby comes in? I can't.

Hi Pratima,

Let me know how your buying goes. I've been thinking about your question, "How do you explain our daughters deaths?" So many things come to mind. One thing I learned is that God is not the author of death. God is the giver and author of life. Life here on earth and Eternal Life in Heaven. Gretta and Nyah are in Heaven, of this I have NO DOUBT, none. Satan is the author of death. It is Satan's ultimate goal that we die, without knowing Christ. Because this leads to eternal damnation or hell. In cases of children who die and have not reached an age of accountability, there is no question, God takes them home where they belong, to Heaven.

There is no explanation that is sufficient to a parent, not even Heaven. We want them here with us. But God knew Nyah and Gretta's days before we even concieved them. I know that the day Gretta died was her day to die. If it wasn't the window shade cord, it would have been something else. There are so many things we cannot understand here and now, but there is a greater purpose. Maybe one of the purposes of Nyah's death is to bring you into a relationship with God. I have seen many good things come of Gretta's death, but that is not to say I wouldn't rather have her instead. Like you pointed out with your relationship to your husband. Still, God can make beautiful things out of our ashes.

I spoke at a Women's Retreat a couple weeks ago. One of the things I said was that to us, Gretta's death was a tragic, unfortunate, terrible accident. But not to God. It was never an accident to God, it was always His plan. If I think of all the ways that we can die, I think that Gretta's death was merciful. She did not suffer, she did not fear for her life, agonizing months of pain, kidnapping, etc. She slipped away like falling asleep and woke up in the arms of the Creator of the Universe, the One who made her, who loved her first, even before I did, the One who gave her to me/us in the first place. When she woke up, she was right where she knew she should be. She will never experience so much of the pain and torment of this world. Our daughters probably never knew hate, meanness, acne, wrong doing, guilt, disease, the list goes on....instead they enjoyed our full love and warmth, adored and catered to and after a brief life of that...they got Heaven. Trust me, they aren't the ones who are sad.

For them, they are safely HOME, it is we who are still here, we who suffer, we who agonize....until we meet them again.

Jesus said, "I am the Way, the Truth and the LIFE, no man/woman comes to God the Father, but THROUGH me." That means we trust in Jesus' death on the cross for us, put our trust in Him, recognize our own deficits/sins that prove we come up short of Heaven on our own and in exchange for simply believing in HIM (as opposed to just "something/some higher power) we get ETERNAL life in HEAVEN. To me there is no other goal, I want to be reunited with my daughter someday...don't you?

I am praying that you will make it into a new home before thanksgiving and also that you will set your mind on a new eternal home....for forever.

May God bless you Pratima, may He open your eyes to see His truth and your heart to feel His comfort and love.
God Bless You This Day!

Lesley A. Wyman

Both Sides

2009-10-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

It is true, as one of my friends commented...."After a high there is usually a low". I was talking to my sister and she also mentioned that those things happen to everyone and are probably time 10 for someone who is grieving. So that makes sense, it just isn't any fun.

In thinking about grief and being at a point now where I can reflect somewhat on the cycle of it and how I feel, (Because for the first year or so, you just don't "feel" anything!), I realize I am still pretty low energy, unstable in many ways, incapable of making effective decisions, wishy-washy, unattentive, generally sad, at times lethargic, overwhelmed easily, sometimes flakey and a whole slew of other undesirables.

On the other side of this coin however, is the good news in bits and pieces. I have changed for the better intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. I am more compassionate, sympathetic, merciful, graceful, loving, concerned and prayerful. I know things about God that I didn't know before and He has shown me things about myself that I didn't know before. I am more courageous, steadfast, bold in my witness, unaffected by minor infractions or injustices done to me, simple, humble, focused on Christ and my relationship with Him, single-mindedly pursuing Heaven, privvy to secrets from God Himself available to me through suffering. There is more, much more, I know. More to come, more to glean, more to prepare for. There is always more for us with God.

I tell it like it is, because I feel it is what I owe myself. The truth. It is not real if it is not the truth. However; as I mentioned to a friend today, sometimes I write in deep pain because it helps me and if I forget to write when I am okay, then I am not helping others to see it this from both sides.

Avoidance

2009-10-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have been avoiding lately. Avoiding: people, phone calls, cleaning, eating and other necessary things. Mostly though, I realize now, I have been avoiding Gretta. Her pictures, her voice, her memory, her existance really. In fact, I feel as though I don't know who she was. Did I ever have a little, sweet girl? Do I remember her? Was I her mother?

I have asked the question frequently in the last year, "Who am I?" Actually, I have probably asked that question a lot in my lifetime. I mean really, "WHO AM I???"

I don't know if avoidance is good or even okay. In part, it must be just another stage or moment of grief. I know some people already want to write me and tell me, "As long as it doesn't last too long... As long as you don't allow yourself to totally avoid everything...forever..." Right? Heres what I have to say tonight to all of you who want to tell me that and comfort me with some stern warning..."Blah blah blah!"

I'm probably not making much sense. But theres a great reason for that too. I don't have any left at the moment.

I spoke at a retreat for women a week or so ago. I led a gal to the Saving knowledge of Jesus Christ that first night, even before I spoke. It was incredible. I felt great that night. I spoke of my life and this journey of grief in the last year. It went well. At least, I have had good reports.

But that was a days ago now and though I rejoice for that eternal life that was birthed, tonight I avoid.

I feel lost tonight. It's like that with grief. You are riding the wave, not like an expert surfer or anything, but none-the-less on top of the wave and then another day you are swallowing water and hoping you're swimming up out of that wave before it drowns you.

I miss my friends. I miss my friends that would stop by if I needed them. I miss my good friend Charlie who I could call (I guess I still can) or stop by his motel to talk to him when I needed to. I miss my family. I don't like that life is going on without me in the places that I left. It's just like that though. I don't want to talk to anyone even on the phone because I know I can't see them. I miss my friend that won't hug me but who is content to just sit there and say nothing and be.

I miss that little girl too, that Gretta Claire, the one I can hardly remember tonight.

One Year Slide Show

2009-09-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you know my friend Katie put on the slide show from Gretta's memorial. Make sure you scroll to the bottom of the first page and "pause" the music from the music list before playing it so you don't have two songs playing at the same time!!!

Thanks Katie!!

Gretta's One Year Memorial (slideshow)

2009-09-09T10:56:00.001-07:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

First Year Mark

2009-09-08T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are. I would not have thought I would make it to the one year mark. Of course you know in your mind that you will probably get there, barring death, but it doesn't seem possible at the beginning.

What has changed since those first days? My body isn't physically "aching intensely" for Gretta. I still have days, no doubt, but the constant physical pain isn't there. I have days when I feel okay now, I didn't for the first few months. I have laughed when I didn't think laughter would ever be possible again. I have slept an entire night through without a sleeping aid. I have gone a few hours, even most of a day without thinking about Gretta's death. I feel stronger but not strong enough relying heavily on..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

The anniversary brought with it some of the first feelings however. Matt and I both had extreme anxiety the two weeks prior to the anniversary. I began having flashbacks of her death and all that happened that day. I remembered things about the day I hadn't thought about or known (like, how I put her hair into two pigtails on top that morning for the first time). I ached for her again, relentlessly. I noticed every little girl around the age of two and wondered why I didn't have my baby again. I couldn't sleep again for the week prior to Septemeber 4th. I longed for Heaven.

I don't know what to expect this year, but I imagine, again, that we will make it through. I was telling Matt the other night, our "New Years" are forever changed now. Our years will start on September Fourth and end on September 4th.

The day of Gretta's death anniversary, we spent with family and friends. A short visit to the grave to view her stone (which was finally put in two days before). Then we all went to a community center near my parents and had a potluck meal. Our family friends, The Ophovens, have a family band, they played a concert for us after dinner. Their eldest daughter, Katie, wrote a song for Gretta, an instrumental piece; absolutely beautiful. The name of the song is Gretta Claire. I have a recording and will try to get that on my blog.

I held it together until late in the evening. A friend of ours had made a quilt of Gretta's clothing, Kathy Timm. That was an unexpected gift that evening and we spent some time remembering the outfits that she wore. It was beautiful. We also recieved a card from some other friends of ours, Tiffany and John Clark, whose daughter Taylor reminds us of Gretta in size and shape. After Gretta had passed away last year, they gave us a card with Taylors hand and feet outlined in it, so that we could remember how big Gretta was. This year they gave us another card with Taylors new measurements, for a three year old. That did it for me, I cried a bit then.

It wasn't until I returned home a couple days later, alone it turned out, that I went to her memorial website and really cried. I don't cry much in front of people, mostly because I know how uncomfortable it makes them. So I save it for when I am alone.

I am thankful for all of our friends that came and supported us. My sweet friend Katie took pictures again. (She is the one who did the funeral and viewing photos as well as creates my blog decor and slideshows etc.) I just feel blessed from all that have been given to us by our family and friends. My mother worked tirelessly to put the day together, cooking and cleaning and hostessing for us as well as my dear friend Carla, who is always helping us endlessly in many many ways.

Here are a couple pictures of her stone and the day. Hopefully Katie will have some better pictures for later.

Turning a Corner

2009-08-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

After much guttural mourning, days and days and nights and nights, I believe I feel a lifting.

It is always a wonder to say too quickly how I might feel, in case it changes again on me.
I do not doubt there will be many days where I will plunge into the darkness of grief, the only Light my Lord, twinkling against the dank walls of sorrow.

For now, I am content to say that I feel His presence around me, softening and warming my hard, cold sadness. I can see Purpose, Plan and Path ahead now, though they are dimly lit.

The Night that is Mourning, is beginning to see the Dawn.

In my prayers I feel a greater ache for those who have lost loves and have no hope of their reunions, I intercede on behalf of those mothers out there who are drowning completely without any Saviour in sight. Lord, that I may be used as a vessel to deliver that salvation.

I would like to share this poem with you:

The hill was steep, but cheered along the way
By conversation sweet, climbing with the thought
That it might be so till the height was reached;
But suddenly a narrow winding path
Appeared, and then the Master said, "My child,
Here you will walk safest with Me alone."

I trembled, yet my heart's deep trust replied,
"So be it, Lord." He took my feeble hand
In His, accepting thus my will to yield Him
All, and to find all in Him,
One long, dark moment,
And no friend I saw, save Jesus only.

But oh! so tenderly He led me on
And up, and spoke to me such words of cheer,
Such secret whisperings of His wondrous love,
that soon I told Him all my grief and fear,
And leaned on His strong arm confidingly.

And then I found my footsteps quickened,
And light unspeakable, the rugged way
Illumined, such light as only can be seen
In close companionship with God.

A little while, and we will meet again
The loved and lost; but in the rapturous joy
Of greetings, such as here we cannot know,
And happy song, and heavenly embraces,
And tender recollections rushing back
Of life now passed, I think one memory
More dear and sacred than the rest, will rise,
And we who gather in the golden streets,
will oft be stirred to speak with grateful love
Of that dark day Jesus called us to climb
Some narrow steep, leaning on Him alone.

The Night That Is Mourning

2009-07-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

Those first few days after

When my body was buzzing and my brain was humming

I would walk outside and stare into the night,

that was mourning

Seeing her there, in the shadow of the moon, walking to me

"Give her back!" I would cry it out loud into the night, that was mourning

Hearing her there in the rustling of the fallen leaves, her little soft footsteps coming to me

While my brain was humming still, so loudly it was and my body would buzz with the pain

Every breath that came was sharp and angled and dust and it hurt

I would go into the shower, when I was reminded and I would wrench myself into the drain until I thought I would come inside out. Late into the night, that was mourning

I would stare at the stars and expect her little face to pop out at me there, her voice singing to my desperate soul, the only consolation it wanted, babygirl all day and long into the night, that was mourning

My shaking hands brushing over the pictures of her, trying to feel her there in the cold paper, waiting to feel the flesh that I had held so sweetly for a last time, already gone. Into the night that was mourning

Days would pass by and months even, the buzzing of my body stops and the humming of my brain subsides sometimes. Into the night, that is mourning

July 29, 2009

This is My Life

2009-07-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

I just wonder sometimes, especially lately, about my life now. I was reading this other mom's blog. She is funny. Seems to be pretty creative, focused on her mission as a mommy and what God has in store for her. I admit, I am a little jealous. I am not focused, on anything really at all. Many times I hear myself answering my kids like this, "Mmm hmm." "Ah hah." "Really? Wow!" I mean, I am the example of how to be boring and uninteresting.

I do not see a purpose right now in much of anything, I do not see the sunshine or the rain. It really makes no difference most days. But I will say this, I am totally and completely SICK of it. I am sick of feeling nothing, doing nothing and just overall being blah.

Still, I have no real notion of how to change any of it. I am reading the Word, saying the prayers, waking up and getting up, doing the deal, smiling and moving, but still I have this little voice prodding me, "This is your life?"

What is the point and purpose of all of this? When will this ache go away? Should I take down the pictures of Gretta from my fridge? Are they haunting me? Hurting my physiological state in some way? Maybe I could pretend this all didn't happen, that she never was? I mean is there something I should be learning here beyond the obvious: "God loves me, His love never fails, He has a bigger plan, good things have come of this, people have been changed, God will use this in lives...." BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!

Don't get me wrong, I believe all of that, I really do, but what is a mother to do when she is broke and she doesn't know how to fix herself???

This is my life.

Thoughts On the Move

2009-07-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

So here we are moved to another town. We are about a half hour away from the big city of Minneapolis, but according to everyone in the city, we are "Way up north". I think of telling them that, "No Grand Rapids is WAY up NORTH," but figure, maybe I have something to learn.

When we moved here about a month ago we began gutting out our 4 bedroom split level home. We basically have taken everything out of the house that we didn't need immediately (like our falling apart upstairs bathroom that still is working, but ugly) and we are in the very slow process of rebuilding it ourselves. It is goes much slower than one would think it should.

Anyway, in relation to our inner lives, this added stress of moving and leaving those we love and have depended on daily; has been a struggle. The projects have and are keeping us focused most of the time but it's still very difficult. God has moved us from being surrounded by caring and loving people to a new place where we just basically have God and each other. Summer is not the opportune time for our other children to meet friends even though we have put them all in a summer sport in hopes of just that. So far, nothing.

God threw us a blessing though in that department. Our neighbors happen to be Jerry and Karen, an early 60ish retired pastor and wife couple from the local E-Free Church. Very nice. We haven't really spent any time with them other than the usual neighborly yard chats, but still, it's nice to know they are there. Matt started a Wed. night Bible Study with Jerry and some other guys in our neighborhood so that was a welcome and quick response to him getting connected to people.

Still, I can't help but know that God moved me personally in my journey of faith, away from my network of friends so that I would focus on His grace, love, mercy and comfort alone. And let me tell you, most days, I feel very alone, humanly speaking. It stands to be comical even that I moved in the summer when all my friends and family are busy....which is how it is in Minnesota when you only get 3 short months to play outside and do gardening and camping and the like. So it's just me, my hubby, my kids, God and an occasional neighbor chat.

All I can say is I'm teachable, but still raw in my grief for little Gretta and now the rest of my extended loved ones as well. The journey continues....

I See Her in Everything

2009-06-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

We just moved to another town about 2 1/2 hrs. away from our hometown. It's been crazy. Right after our move, we had the Memorial Butterfly Garden Party for Gretta's would-be 3rd birthday. It rained that day, which I think was good, because people didn't stay quite as long as they might have had it been sunny. That evening a few of our close friends and family stayed and helped us plant the garden in the rain. It looks beautiful and I will post pictures of it soon.

It's been tough for me and I'm sure for Matt and the kids as well. To go from having daily contact with your friends and family to virtually nothing, to say the least, has been tough. I have felt tired, irritable, fatigued, lonely, overworked and the like. That being said, it is amazing to me how many things God has planned for us here in even the smallest details. Not the least of which, I feel, is that He has taken me away from my earthly cheerleaders and helpers, so that I can ONLY rely on Him. I can't say I am shocked by this. I was expecting it. In God's great mercy and compassion, He allowed us to be comforted and held up by so many people in the last 9 months. I knew He would be taking me to a place that would be desolate from that strength through others, weaning me from the comfort of earth, so that only He could be my fortress.

I know that people think things should be getting easier when it comes to living with our loss of Gretta. But it's not. IT'S NOT. Some days I think it's infinitely harder.

Everywhere I go, I see Gretta. I see her in the two year olds at Walmart. The ones that are still HERE, walking with their moms or dads. I see her in the 3 year olds, the talking, running, laughing, active 3 year olds. She would be that. She should be that. I see her in every little girl with big eyes and a shy smile. I see her in my son, Russell, when he is doing something and I think for a second, I can almost see her shadow right along side of him, playing. Where it should be. I see her in the cute little clothes in all the stores, the summer dresses, the beach pails, the sunscreen, the Tinkerbell beach towels, the diapers, the pink socks, the popsicles, the cookies, (I hear her say "cooooky"), IN EVERYTHING. Sometimes, more often that I should, I find myself frozen somewhere, staring at some random little girl, so alive, and as I force myself to quit staring I wonder if the parent of that child wonders what kind of a freak I am for staring at their little girl.

I do know now that I am going to make it. But to be honest there are just as many days that I wonder how I will go through this life without her AND if she was ever even my daughter, if I dreamed it all. I mean it is so intense this empty spot, is she really gone? Was she ever really here?

I guess she was, because I see her in everything.

Butterfly Memorial Garden Day

2009-05-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

On June 6th, 2009 it will be Gretta's 3rd Birthday. It would have been.

It has been 8 months now since Gretta went home to be with Jesus. I think of her all the time of course and often wonder what she is doing in Heaven. Who she is playing with, where she is climbing to, if she is talking now, if she is still 2, or if she is growing. Most of those wonderings I will not know until I too reach the gate of Heaven. I have to admit, I cannot wait to get there.

When Gretta first died, I have to say, I wanted to go too. Maybe I just wanted to "check on her", maybe I just wanted to be with her. I did want to be with her, so badly. Now, at least most days, I want to get to Heaven to see my Saviour and seeing Gretta there too will be wonderful. As I said in my last blog, 'This world is no longer my home'. I anticipate my eternal home everyday and this has changed so much about the way I live and why I am here.

Well, that is the update. Now for the Butterfly Garden.

As you can see, the "Butterfly" has become a sort of theme around Gretta and that has everything to do with the ring that Matthew (her dad) gave me. Each of my children have a "mothers ring", that I wear for now, but they will recieve it when they come of age. Ironically, (Gretta's ring is a butterfly with the June stone for her birthday), Matt purchased my mothers ring for Gretta before getting me one for Russell's birth. I got Russell's ring months after I got Gretta's. It was a good thing, because if it would have been the other way around, who knows .

Anyway, on June 6th we are having a Butterfly Memorial Garden Day at our new home in Zimmerman, MN. We have yet to finalize the purchase of this home in Zimmerman, but all signs point to this being our new home on May 26th.

In honor of Gretta Claire Wyman we will come together for a potluck bbq, it will be all day, anytime. We will design a garden that attracts butterflies, with a bench (donated by grandparents), a rock inscripted with Gretta's name and a butterfly (donated by Auntie Jen and Uncle Brian), a birdbath (Matt and I), plants (cousin Billie and hubby) etc.

If anyone would like to donate a plant, tree, stone, whatever; to be put in the garden, you are welcome to do so but I am not asking for anyone to do that. I just want anyone to feel like a participant if they so desire to. (If we were to move at anytime, the garden goes with us.)

Whether you want to donate something or not, if you would like to come be with us on Gretta's Birthday, June 6th, 2009, please come. We will laugh, cry, share, and remember and generally with my family, we will have a good time. I want anyone who wants to be there to come and anyone who doesn't want to come, to not worry about it.

This day, will be to remember Gretta and also to celebrate God's Greatness, His Plan and Purpose and signify our family moving forward, not forgetting, but moving forward.

We miss Gretta so dearly, we want to keep her alive in hearts and we wait with the Hope of Jesus, the Son of God and the Son of Man, until we meet again.

This World Is Not My Home

2009-04-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am not the first to say, 'this world is not my home'; but I've been saying it a lot lately. It's funny in some ways to see the reactions people give. First though, let me explain why I say it.

This world is NOT my home and the death of my sweet Gretta made this real for me. I have spent almost all of my life seeing everything in the here and now. What kind of home do I have? What sort of clothes shall I wear? Am I stylish? Is my car out of date? You know, the usual stuff we can be preoccupied with. What are my friends doing tonight? Where are those people going? What sale at Target? Did I miss something????

When Gretta died, a part of me went too. I have four children and because those four children came from me, I figure at least a fourth of me is gone until eternity. At least that much went with her, home to our Lord. While part of me went home, the rest is made to wander here still and I came to a sharp realization that THIS world is NOT my home anymore. Nor was it ever my "home" in the sense of "home" as we know it. Now maybe I should have realized this before, because it is not a revelation. The Bible tells us, "Be not conformed to this world.....we are not of the world we are just in the world....for I go to prepare a place for you...." (various snippets of scripture taken from various references), so I should not have been surprised. But I was.

The world now holds no appeal to me. This Place has become a shadowland. I feel as if I am an alien traveling through, but still here for a purpose. The colors I see here now, in this temporary dwelling place, are these: Family, Friends, Church, People in need, Grief, Pain, Joy, Spiritual Longing, Wisdom, The Word of God, little children, Creation, Music, Love. But there is no color left in THINGS. Cars, money, houses, boats, clothes, (maybe a little color left in shoes ;)) see where I am going with this?

So when I say "This world is not my home," I am saying it as a reminder to myself, lest I stray from the goal, take my eye off the prize and basically because this is how I feel.

Some people nod their agreement and meet my eyes and I see their fragile pain and the hope they have that they too are aware they are just traveling through. Some people nod their quick agreement and I see in their eyes that they pity my pain and the deepness of my grief, but they have not seen the world in gray quite yet. Some people cough or clear their throat or look away or fidget or walk away even and I know that they still see much color here, but oh how faded it is and they don't even know it. Finally there are some people who look at me and I can see that they are wondering if I just got out of the psych unit somewhere and someone has forgotten to check up on me. I laugh as I write this because it is true about some people.

I hope as I travel through I will have deep friendships, close family ties, many, many strange encounters and divine appointments. I hope I will touch someone's life somewhere as much as I have been touched by others, I hope I will fulfill God's promise to complete a good work in me and like most travels, I hope I do not lose sight of the destination but anticipate the arrival every minute of every day until I get there!

"Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He died and was buried and that He rose again! the third day according to the Scriptures!" Happy Easter!

Just Some Thoughts

2009-04-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Some of the things about grief....

Some days I feel like I will make it. Some days I feel as if there may be something I will have to give back because of our loss.

Some days I feel like I most certainly will not make it. Like I have nothing to give to anyone and I never will.

I do not know who I am. I do not know why I'm here.

Some days I feel energized, other days defeated.

We are at this retreat for grieving families, as I have mentioned. We had a 2 hour group session today for the parents. Sharing our stories with each other, sharing our tears or silence. It is still overwhelmingly shocking to me, to be here, with these people and think, "How did we end up here? Are we really here? Is this really happening?"

I think that most people just think you get better and that after this amount of time you are better, doing better, looking better. Truthfully though, most of time I am not better. I think it would surprise people a great deal if they knew how much of my day is spent thinking about Gretta, the incident, or at the other end of the spectrum....spending my energy NOT thinking about any of it. It is a confusing way to live and yet, I have absolutely no control over any of it.

In Streams In The Desert, written by L.B. Cowman, a daily devotional I read daily; He writes to me specifically it seems about how God wants and expects so much of me in trial. Most of the time I just feel like a huge failure. All of that talk about, "Who you are in a trial is representative of who you truly are." It is a burden of proof that is daunting. How can I be this person of character when my very soul is wandering. I am sometimes on solid ground, but more times, on sinking sand. Isaiah 24:15 "Glorify the Lord IN the fires." How can I do this thing? Am I doing it? I want to do it, I want to glorify my Lord in this trial, this raging fire.

When each earthly brace falls under,
And life seems a raging sea,
Are you then a God-held wonder,
Satisfied and calm and free?

John Henry Jewett

Lord help me to be this reflection of Your glory and triumph over trial, help me to show Your victory.

Retreat

2009-04-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

We are at the retreat. Faith's Lodge in Webster, Wisconsin. So far so good.

There is another family here that is Mung. They are great. There older two girls are Jordi and Mason's ages, there remaining son, Donovan, is Russell's age. Those two boys have been running the place ragged. Having a blast together. Charles and Lisa (the parents) are very interesting and open to Christ. We spent a couple hours together tonight sharing stories.

Their son, Nicholas was born with ADL and starting showing symptoms a year ago. He died in December. They mostly came to the retreat for their kids, which turned out to be a blessing because so did we. They have some family/cultural sprititual beliefs that range from Buddist to Shamen things. They seem undecided on anything and have even saught out palm readers and psychics to help to evaluate what they are going through. It is supposed that there is a "bad omen" on their family because along with their son, Nicholas, Charles grandmother died shortly after and two deaths within a year in the same family is considered very bad.

We had the opportunity to share with them our faith and beliefs, the hope we have now in being able to meet Gretta again and share a full, eternal life with her, beyond anything we could have even hoped to have here in this life. They were receptive or seemed to be. The conversation went well and was theraputic to us all. All the while the two 4 yr. old boys steam rolled around the entire lodge and finally lost their steam about 1/2 hr. ago.

Pray for Matt and I this week, that we will serve God's purpose here in witnessing to this couple and their family in our actions, words and with love. Also, Praise is due, as Matt and I were finishing up our conversations with Charles and Lisa, we walked into the dining room where Mason and Jordan were talking with their children, Taylor and Isabell. Jordi says, "Oh hi Mom, guess what we are doing? We are telling Taylor and Isabell about God!!" Then when Charles came over to see what the kids were doing, Taylor, their eldest said, "Dad, we are learning about God!" AND Charles says, "Yes, we were just learning a little too!" Isabell followed up with, "Yeah, I know where God is Dad, He's up there (she points overhead), with Nicholas!"

Only God knows......He is in control....I pray all the time that I only want to be where He wants me to be. Father continue to be faithful to me by giving me wisdom and words, when needed, to show YOUR love to this family.

Also they have a youngest, Emma, she is a little over one...and adorable.

Undercurrent

2009-03-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

Haven't written for awhile. Thoughts in my head haven't made it to the page. Maybe it's the endless winter, maybe it's the scare of spring actually coming. That grass that Gretta last walked on, coming back to life, with no Gretta to trample around on it.

We have sold our house. It was really what I like to call, "A God Thing". Matt and I had talked awhile ago and shared with each other how our house was sort of dragging us down. Especially for me, I've said it already, but it's sort of like living at the scene of the accident. After Gretta died, we replaced the living room couches. (I found her on one of the couches in front of the window.) It didn't help. I'm a homebody by nature, so I don't do a lot of running around. I like being home, but I'm pretty sure being there wasn't doing me a whole lot of good.

Anyway, we decided to sell. With the market the way it is, I had big doubts that it would sell easily or quickly, but we had peace that if God wanted us out, He would sell it. As I signed the papers with our sweet realtor, I told him, "If this house is going to sell, God's going to have sell it!" 2 days later and 4 showings (not to mention a 9 year old birthday sleepover with 8 boys), our house sold to the highest bidder for eight thousand more than we were asking. So like my mom has always said, "God doesn't do anything 1/2 way!" Really when you consider all that the market offers out there, it is definetly God who gets the glory for selling our little rambler in two days!

Since last week then it has been a whirlwind of decisions, packing, marking garage sale stuff, cleaning out closets, getting boxes, finding another place to live, etc. I am so thankful for my dear sister and friend Katie who have been so hardworking and helpful and encouraging to me daily. At this point they really have done most of the labor. As well as Christina and I'm sure there will be more friends to come. I've been so blessed in the last 7 months with friends sharing all my burdens with me and keeping me afloat in more ways than one. I couldn't feel more loved or blessed by this.

As all these things are swirling around above me: trying to find a new house, deciding where to live, packing, etc., there is an undercurrent running beneath me. This grief, no matter how busy or different my life becomes, it is always there threatening to take me under.

I take my Bible and my heartfelt prayers and a quiet room and give it to God. It is amazing to me how He responds to me in Scripture, even without reading it, He comes to me that way with His promises. "Lean not on your own understanding, cast all your cares on me, I am the way, I have plans for your life, I will send my Spirit to counsel you," and I rest in this. I gave Him my list with thanksgiving. Thankful for the friends, the family, the working vehicles, the privilege to know Him, the peace that comes only through Him. Honestly, there is nothing or no other way to find peace.

I am a human storm. For now, it's just there all the time, this raging sea, the high winds, the undercurrent.

In The Midst

2009-02-22T18:36:00.000-08:00

Last night, Matthew and I had a talk. (Matthew is my husband.) We do this occasionally, as he is out of town most weeks for work, running his own business. I am at home, in this house, the place of Gretta's death; mostly alone, save my other children. After Matt and I catch up on the happenings of our week apart, we come together again. When all is done we talk. Last night we stayed up into the early morning. Much of the time was spent crying together. Our mutual grief stirred together like a soup, past the boiling point now, but still slowly simmering.

He shared with me his regrets, which were few, but the one thing that struck me long ago and I have wondered about it since Gretta's passing.

Matt wasn't ever a "baby guy". He was a child lover though and that was one thing that stuck out right from the time I met him. Of course I came with 2 children when he married me and so he had "courted" all of us right from the start. When I asked him if he wanted his own children, he stated matter of factly, "If I marry you, I will have 2 children and I always wanted 2-4, no more than that." He continued, "I really have a problem with diapers though, so I would be fine with just the two that we have now, who are already potty trained." (Jordi was just 5 and Mason was 3.)

Personally, I had always wanted a few children but that wasn't going to happen with my prior husband as he didn't really want any and I had pushed for a second after having the first accidentally. So I was up for a couple more. He agreed that a couple more was fine but that he wouldn't be participating much in the diaper duties because he just couldn't handle it. I, seeing how much time he spent with the kids I had, figured I would be willing to do most of the diapers and "gross stuff" that comes with babies. And so it went.....

When our two babies came along, first Russell and then 14 months later, Gretta; I noticed how Matthew was loving but not really hands on. I had mentioned to him often that I just couldn't believe his reluctance to run after the crying baby, bathe the babies or coddle them. He always said, "I like them better when I can interact with them and they with me". He always proved that to be true as he spent much time and still does with the kids, playing, teaching, outings, long talks, daily devotions, prayer and really goes over and above what most dads I know do. I mean, he will take all the kids to grocery store with a long list that I gave him, while I take a nap, and he will have fun doing it. Seriously, do you know a dad that does that?

I love babies. I really didn't mind being the only one to get up at night, (most nights that is), the only one doing "tub time", the only one changing diapers, making bottles, you know, the usual. I can still recall with warmth, those middle of the night, dog-tired wakenings, just looking at that little life, nursing and watching the small expressions on the face of my little angel. The first smiles, the closeness, the nuturing, that little body writhing around, it's just precious. So most of the time, I didn't really care that Matt wasn't very involved.

So last night Matt says, "My only regret is that I didn't spend enough time with Gretta while she was here." I respond, "You mean because you weren't all that crazy about babies and the baby stuff?"
"Yes." He said.
"I wondered about that." I said.
"I always thought I would have that time, you know what I mean, when she was older, but I didn't know I would only have her for two years." He said.

We cried together. He rubbed my back as I sobbed. I looked at him lovingly, regretting the past for him.

"I noticed that you really love babies now," I said, "I notice you hold them all the time and offer to hold and care for your niece, Danika, all the time. Sometimes it makes me sad how willing you are now, because you weren't when our kids were tiny."
"I know", he said, "but I won't let that stop me now, from being different, I want to play with the little ones now, more than ever. I have to." With tear rolling down his face, he admitted this to me and even though I didn't need to for me, I forgave him, for him.

It wasn't a breakthrough or anything, this conversation between us. It was the unspoken. What we both already knew, but had never put into words. It was good to say it. My angst for his pain. Finally, after I had blown my nose the 20th time I said...
"I was happy that Gretta didn't die until she was over the age of two, because if she had been taken earlier, I'm not sure you would have shared my deep loss. I wasn't sure that you would have loved her the way I did."
"Yes." He said. "So am I."

Confess and Purpose

2009-02-11T06:43:00.000-08:00

I must confess that I have never walked a path such as this. The loss of Gretta has been overwhelming and a cross I would never choose to bear. Still, it is what it is. I have formal training in carrying crosses. God has entrusted our family with this trial, I cannot see His whole plan and do not pretend to understand it wholly. Still, I trust Him.

Sometimes the grief is all consuming and expression of it takes a form I do not plan. It becomes all that I can see and all that I am willing to see. Still I do trust that God sees what I cannot see, God knows what I cannot know and He has allowed this in our lives for reasons I may not understand.

I need to say that I am willing. Inside me I have moments of outrage and I am inconsolable. Even in those moments I have some peace because I trust in my Heavenly Father much,much more than I trust myself or anyone around me. I am willing to bear this cross of suffering, because that is what it is, simply because He has imposed it on me and I trust Him. I am also willing to reach out to the conclusions laid before me by this loss: I will trust God, I will grow as a person in many ways, I will never be who I was before and that is a good thing, I will fail, I will disappoint people, I will through God's grace encourage others, I will make it through this with the help of many people and I will strive to do it graciously.

There have been so many people before me that have suffered so much the worse. I have heard from them, I have read about them and I feel them connected to me. I had a perfect child, beautiful in everyway and although she was taken from me far sooner than I could imagine, she is in a place that is perfect already and Gretta is missing out on all the suffering of this world. I am happy for her and why shouldn't I be? It is to her benefit that God called her home. The Bible says, "To live is Christ but to die is GAIN". It is my own selfish self that grieves and I am not trivializing the pain or grief, it is the human way and it is uncontrollable most of the time. Yet, Gretta is not sad, it is we who grieve for the loss, not she. She, I know, rejoices, just as the Angels of Heaven rejoiced the day she went home to her Saviour.

I accepted this grief willingly when it came upon us; but I still cried out, "NO God, please NO!" He heard me I am sure and He answered, "Yes Lesley, Yes!" I am willing each day to bear it however debilitating it can be. I will be honest in my grief as it comes to me, I will go through it with as much grace as God gives me, but I will say what I feel so that I can continue to go "through it" not around, beside or behind this grief.

How shall I bear the cross that now
So dread a weight appears?
Keep quietly to God, and think
Upon the Eternal Years.
E.W. Faber

I have purposed in my heart to return to a daily routine of prayer, reading of God's word and reflections of those who have gone before and suffered greatly. It helps to try and keep perspective. It helps, it does not solve.

Below I have listed a few of explanations of grief for bereaved parents, lovingly sent to me by my cousin Billie. They hit the mark for me and I want to share them with you, especially those of you who have not lost a child; because I understand that it is not easy to understand. Hopefully these comments below will help explain a little.

p.s. I realize that this blog differs extreme from yesterdays poem. I hope that you understand that if my heart cries out to God in the midst of the storm it is not because I am drowning but because I can still see HIS FACE on the shore and He beckons to me to SWIM not to be saved.

From One Grieving Parent To Another
You will always grieve to some extent for your lost child. You will always remember your baby and wish beyond wishes that you could smell her smell or hold his weight in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life. - HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158

There is a need to talk, without trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you hurt so much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener were and still are the things that have helped the most...The people who [were] the greatest help... [were] not judgmental. It's most helpful when people understand that [what is needed] is to talk about it and that this is part of the grief process. - DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 158, 163

There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special...The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child...On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA 1994, 25-27

Probably the most stressful and anxiety-provoking act in human existence is the separation of a woman from her newborn infant. The response to this, which humans share with most of the animal kingdom, is an overwhelming combination of panic, rage, and distress. - RUSKIN, IN HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994,16

Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of the parent's being...The range of expression of parental grief is wide...Some parents will express tears and hysteria openly. Others will silence these expressions and grieve inwardly...Despite the volumes of work on grief, the experience of grief seems to defy description... Definitions touch the fringes of grief but do not embrace its totality or reach its core...Grief is a complicated, evolving human process. Grief is a binding experience; its universality binds sufferers together. More is shared than is different. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1991, 50-52, 55

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

Here I Am

2009-02-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

Here I am Lord, can you see me?
I've fallen prostrate before you weeping.

When I call on You and enter Your Throne Room
My heart I show You open and bleeding.

Do You hear me? Can You tell me?
Can't You just show me my little girl?

What is she doing, are You holding her?
Is she playing, swimming, growing?

Why have You left me here in this world?
Can't I come home to You too and see her?

What is my purpose now? What is Your plan?
How can I keep on traveling in this foreign land?

I know You are Almighty, Sovereign and Good?
But I can't see Your plan the way that I should.

How long Lord must I grieve for my child?
How long Lord until I hold her again?
How long until I feel normal?
How long until I stop crying?
How long until I can feel anything at all?

Do You see me? Can You reveal something to me?
I am empty, voided and chilled. Fill me Lord.
Show me the way. Not another day, no. Not another day.

The Tattoos

2009-02-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

So, I have had a few people ask about the picture here at the top of the blog. So the story goes like this:

Most of my adult life I thought a tattoo on a man was only cool if they had one on their bicep, because that's where my dad has his, from his army days.
Too many tattoos just sort of turned me off or scared me, one or the other.

I didn't really think about getting a tattoo for myself until about 4 years ago. Before that my main reason for not ever getting one was because 'it would hurt and why would I want to inflict pain for no important reason?' But as I said, 4 years ago I started seeing it a little differently.

"My" personal verse out of the Bible that I feel was God speaking to me is Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." So I wanted to get a tattoo with just the scripture reference "Jeremiah 29:11" with a little butterfly next to it. My husband Matthew didn't like the idea one bit and it made no difference to him what it was going to say. So I never got one.

The day Gretta died, I was waiting for Matthew at the hospital as he had been in the cities some three hours away. They had Gretta in a private room and I was in there holding her while her little body grew colder. We waited with friends and family for almost 4 hours before Matt arrived. I gave him some time alone in the room with Gretta and when I returned we exchanged few words, only tears. Then I looked at him and said, "Now I'm getting a tattoo and I want you to get one too." He nodded his agreement and whispered, "Okay."

The next day, Matt went with a couple of his friends to a ball game in Minneapolis. Looking back, it seems strange that they did that, but I think it was just a distracton, they took our son Mason and Mike's son (our nephew), Dawson with. At some point that day I said to someone, I want to go get my tattoo now. Somebody made some calls (I think my friend Christina) and another friend, Katie was there, so I asked her to come along and take pictures, (she is also the one who took the pictures at the visitation and funeral....thanks Katie!!).
Anyway, my sisters, Jenny and Angie were there and Angie said, "I'm getting one too!" Jenny followed with the same response and so we were off to the tattoo shop.

Christina knew a guy in Deer River, Chad Evans who owns Evans Ink Tattoo, that's who she called. My sisters and I walked in about 15 minutes later and he proceeded to help us find the lettering and butterfly I wanted. That settled, he tattooed each of us sisters the same. The tattoos read, "Gretta Claire" with the butterfly next to them. Mr. Evans was incredibley kind to us and refused payment for the tattoos. 3 weeks later, Matthew went in to have Gretta's birth certificate baby feet prints tattooed on his bicep walking into the gate of Heaven. Chad Evans would not take payment for this tattoo either. He was very gracious and generous to us.

Incidentally, my tattoo didn't hurt at all. It actually felt "good". I realized then that it was because I was in so much pain already, that it was a release. This also led me to understand why teenagers might "cut" themselves or others pierce every living part of their bodies. That makes me sad just to think about.

Well, I'm still glad I got my tattoo, although I never see it because of where I got it done, but then again, no one else sees it either which I'm glad. It just ended up being something personal I had to do.

My First Dream

2009-01-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

I had my first dream of Gretta, two nights ago. Well, my first good dream.

I have been praying and praying that I would dream of her, that I would experience what others have mentioned as being "real", being able to really feel her there.

I was dreaming for what seemed like all night. It was one of those dreams that takes you all over the place and doesn't make any sense really. There were people from different parts of my life in different places, you know, just one of those dreams that runs together and makes no real connections.

Anyway, I was talking in my dream to a group of people and there was a chair in front of me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw this little person climb unto the chair and as it did, she tapped me on my arm. I looked down at the chair and there she was. Gretta. She put her arms up to me and I picked her up. All the while I was thinking in my dream, "Please God, let this be the dream I've been praying for, where I can really feel her and smell her." Gretta put her arms around my neck and wrapped her little legs around my waste just like she used to do. I put my arms around her and held her close to me, stomach to stomach; I could feel her little tummy on me and her warmth and her little arms, I took a deep breath. I could smell her. I started to sob. I was sobbing in my dream, thanking God for letting this dream happen, I was just sobbing and sobbing and then I turned my face to Gretta and kissed her on the cheek and then she was gone.

My dream kept going as if that had never happened, just another strange dream that continued on into the night. I didn't see Gretta again, it was like it didn't happen, only when I woke up that morning, it was the first thing I remembered. I couldn't still feel her or smell her or anything like that, but I could remember.

Gretta wasn't much of a talker when she was alive, she was just sounding out words and only had a few important ones down like, "HEY!" "NO!" "MINE!" and "Cookie!" So she didn't say anything in the dream either. She didn't make a sound. It was like she was sent to me, she tapped me like, "HEY! Here I am, you've been waiting, right?" It was exactly what I have been begging God for, to hold her, smell her, feel her, and that is exactly what He gave me, nothing more.

Thank You Jesus, Thank You God.

Suddenly

2009-01-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

This last week or so has been one episode after another of sudden crying. I couldn't make it through church without leaving or Sunday School. Of course Sunday School was about reuniting with our loved ones after Jesus raptures us. I left once, regained my composure and returned; only to leave again and hide in the bathroom to cry my head off for the rest of the class. I didn't return that time.

Every so often I am hit with an overwhelming emptiness that makes me sick to my stomach. I ache to hold Gretta, to smell her, to feel her little body against my own. Nothing makes it better, nothing fills that void, nothing. It is in these moments that I think I will not make it through this, I just can't possibly make it. I can't go on even a minute more, there has to be some relief.

During these times I can only believe that it is God Himself that reaches down to soothe my soul, because when it passes, it does so silently without me being aware. I look back on these last 4 months and I think of the times of intense sorrow. Unbearable moments really, that I have lived through. Sitting in the shower dry heaving, waves of physical pain coming over me again, again. Sitting out on the front steps feeling as if I was surrounded by a pool of thick murky water, not seeing, not hearing, not believing. Matt and I getting into bed, looking at the ceiling, both of us sobbing out loud; waking up the next morning and not knowing if either of us ever stopped. Just cried ourselves to sleep alone but together.

Suddenly, I realize. I am still here. I am still breathing, I am still standing, I am still. I am.

Just A Breath

2009-01-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

Today, just a breath at a time. On the verge of tears, breath in. On the verge of breakdown, breath out.

I received a letter a couple weeks ago, I noticed it was opened by my husband already and he said he had read it. We didn't talk about what it said, I noticed the envelope but didn't take time to read it right away.

I just read it. It's from a gal I know little about, but knew since childhood. Her life is in the midst of turmoil from some of that self inflicted pain we can bring on ourselves. Even so, God uses this pain, to make us weak. To take us to a hard place, one we wouldn't choose knowingly, it is in this place we let go of ourselves. We let go of whatever control we thought we had, at this point it is not that hard to do, because there is so little of it left. We fall on our faces here, literally, and we cry out to God. Even people who aren't sure about who God is, I believe, find themselves in this same place at some point in their life, and it is always God who we ALL call upon when there is nothing left of ourselves. Because God is all there is anyway, but it takes all of our self to be swept away first before God is fully revealed.

I pray for her tonight. God is working in her life now, He is in control. No matter the pain we are going through, there is peace in knowing that we are NOT in control anymore. The One that is bigger than our weak, pitiful selves is at the helm.

Today is one of those days that all I can really do is breath. Oh God, I miss my baby. Hold her for me.

I keep thinking of how the Angels in Heaven must have danced when Gretta went home.

Luke 1:79 "To give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace."

Okay Okay

2009-01-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

Just for everyone's information, I am not going to kick the bucket "unexpectedly" or drop of the face of the earth, or spend the rest of my life hating God or anything like that.

I appreciate the concern that surges through those people who take the time to read what I write. It amazes me really from one day to the next, that people DO read this. It is a journal for me on how I feel day to day.

There are a few things I've learned so far from this experience...I'll share them. For one thing, grief is comparable to nothing else we experience. It is amazing how much changes when you are grieving. Things look different, people are different, places are different, most everything you look at is looked at differently, in a new light.

Grief is a process. I do not feel like I am who I was before, nor am I someone different, yet. I am in process. I do not feel abandoned by God, but sometimes I feel distant. Other times, I feel very close to Him, like He is beside me, talking to me, comforting me. I love my Saviour, I always will, He has done everything for me, He has made my life worth living, Him alone.
Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, really. Other times I feel as if I have most of it "together". I laugh, I cry. Things are different, my relationships are different, my life is different, but my love and adoration of our living God is only deeper than it was yesterday. I know that God has a plan for my life and that while He may not have caused Gretta to die, He DID allow it. Nothing happens to us, NOTHING, that is not FIRST filtered through God's mighty and loving hands. God trusted me and my family enough to allow this to happen to us, He trusted us to glorify Him through this and we are trying to do our best. That doesn't mean we/I don't have days where we feel angry, lost, alone, neglected, confused, despaired, etc. We are human and it is good to go through grief fully. I try to write about this honestly and not sparingly.

I have also learned that I have so many friends that I didn't know I had before. Or friends that I had but did not realize how amazing they were. I am blessed in so many ways to go through this trial, I can identify with suffering, pain, agony and loss like I never could before. It is good to know.....but that does not take away the fact that it can be excruciating at the same time.

I had a few people send me emails after the last post. Some with advice, some sharing their personal, heart-wrenching stories for the first time with me, a stranger to them, and one person wrote something else, a sonnet. A love song, a ballad. I was amazed really at the words of this email and so I am going to post some of it now, with her permission. I believe God spoke through this gal, right to me, it was uplifting, encouraging and humbling. I hope you like it as well.

As I was praying for you, I was also asking God, "What is suffering?" The age-old question of why we must suffer and why God allows it. Of course there is never an answer--not an answer that would ever soothe my soul in the face of devastating pain. I thought of that horrible, horrible saying, "Time heals all wounds." Although I have not suffered loss on your level, I have watched enough people close to me to know that time doesn't heal anything. I have watched the pain subside from heart-wrenching, soul-stabbing pain to a dull, constant ache. And maybe in time, it eases into something of an ache that flares up off and on in different circumstances. As all of this was running through my mind while I was trying to pray in earnest for your family, God put the words of one of my favorite gospel songs on my heart, "There is a balm in Gilead....Jesus is the balm in Gilead."

Maybe you know the verses from Jeremiah 8, "Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why is there no healing for the wound of my people?" (Feel free to SHOUT that last verse out loud if it so moves you). You can see why your recent post brought this to mind again. You said, "What I have gotten however; is a small bandaid with a dot of Neosporin on it to cover my gaping wound." I thought, "She's got it about right...." On a gaping wound, I would imagine that balm doesn't do much to soothe at first. (In your shoes, how often I would wish that Jesus was morphine and not a balm!) A balm takes time to do its healing. Comfort doesn't come initially, the pain still rages on. That is where time factors in and that hated saying.....but it is Christ who heals and not just time. Lesley, I do believe that your healing will be complete in Christ (our balm), but while you are on this temporary earth, you may always have the scar to remind you of the pain you have suffered (and even to remind you of the blessings you had in Gretta).

Thanks to everyone who posts comments and takes the time to respond to God's prodding on their hearts to speak.

Where is the Purpose?

2009-01-05T05:44:00.000-08:00

So it's January. I am hopeful that this year will be better than the last. There is a part of me that is doubtful too, you see. For all the reading I have done, the clippets of information from all the books on grief, including the people I have talked to about grief, things aren't looking up.

Most of the people I talk to who have gone before me on this journey of grief are quick to inform me that it gets worse long before it gets better. According to the experts on the subject, we are looking at a good 2 years of hard traveling through the mirky waters of grief. At times this seems overwhelming at best. How is it that we could feel worse than we do now? When you already feel as if you are drowning, is it possible to feel as though you are drowning slowly and painfully in some abyss of thick mud? I tend towards, yes.

I have to tell you that I do laugh. I spent the holidays doing normal activities while feeling like I was going crazy. I played cards, made cookies, went skiing, played boot hockey (scored a few goals and even checked a few unknowing fellow players), wrapped and opened gifts, played Christmas music, went to Holiday Programs and services and rang in the New Year at a Waterpark with my family and friends. Pretty normal and even eventful, right? So tell me then why I felt like a 1/2 of a person, wishing I was locked up somewhere with a pack of cigarettes and a padded wall, maybe even some heavy sedation.

When Gretta first died, I had so many people tell me that my testimony at her funeral and the funeral itself (linked on my blog under "Gretta's Links") was such an inspiration to them, would change people and things for the better, that God would use this for good. That was sortof the mantra around me for a few weeks, maybe the first couple months even. I felt that maybe in all of this there was a purpose, a deep meaning, a reasonable reason.

In the aftermath of those first months, I have been left feeling like, "Where is the purpose, what has happened that explains even reconciles the death of my little 2 year old daughter?" I find it difficult to put on the damper for the optimists in my life, but I am not seeing it. Maybe it is not for me to see now or yet, or please God no! ever. I feel like screaming, "Show me something! Tell me something! Give me some reasonable but perferrably profound explanation here Lord and make it snappy!" Can I do that ? Can I scream at God? Will He listen to me when I do? I have to say I am not so sure. I mean I CAN scream, but is He listening to me?

I have always been a planner, an organizer, "in control" even in "out of control" situations. I guess this is one of those times where I must release myself into this completely unorganized, unplanned, total chaos careening out of control places and somehow find some kind of rest? Peace? Quiet? Solace? Yea, uh huh, right, I'll get right on that.

Incidentally or not, I was reminded by a friend that I need to be in the Word of God everyday to hear His voice. It is a voice that my soul aches for, it is His words that I need, His promises, His salvation and salve to my wounded being. So, taking her advice in hand, I have been reading Psalms and Proverbs at least everyday. I would be lying to say that I have found what I am craving there. I have not. What I have gotten however; is a small bandaid with a dot of Neosporin on it to cover my gaping wound. Like you would imagine, I put it on and within a short period of time it slips off, lost somewhere. The swift and obvious answer then is to go right back and get another dose, another bandaid, however small it seems and reapply, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. If it will console you to know it, I will tell you then, that I realize it and I will continue to do it; however brief the comfort, however small the relief.

Whew!

2008-12-29T14:09:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it was about Christmas, but it was pretty tough. Matt and I started out the Christmas Eve day crying, both in different areas of the house, not aware of each other. When we finally came together about 2 hours later, we just held each other and cried some more.

My family came over Christmas Eve Day into the evening. We did the usual things: hor devoures, games, presents, the kids sang, etc. At dinner my father prayed as Matt just couldn't do much of anything that day. My dad is from that generation of "stuff your feelings, pretend it didn't happen, just quite thinking about it and it will go away!" I told him earlier in the day we were going to talk about Gretta if we wanted to and that was that. So at dinner time he prayed. At the end of the prayer his voice cracked up a little and he said, "....and Lord we hope, no, we KNOW that Gretta is with you in Heaven and looking down on us today with joy at Christmas." Of course the tears came again then.

Later after all the presents were open, my sister Angela gave Matt and I one more package. It was Gretta's Christmas dress from last year, sewn into a beautiful pillow. Again, the tears came for both of us.

It was just a hard day. I'm glad it's over.

Christmas morning was bittersweet. The kids had fun opening their presents and seemed oblivious to Matt and my meloncholy. I took pictures of the kids in their Christmas pj's by the tree and it just looked like there was a vacant spot next to Russell. She should have been there in her comfy jammies, excited about her presents, eating a candy cane, running around. But she wasn't. She just wasn't here.

People say there is a "space in our hearts" for the lost loved ones, that they are always with us in that space. I don't know how it works for those people, but for me it was just an empty space, she wasn't there. I can't remember her laugh or cry, how her skin felt or most of her expressions. Maybe it will take some time, I can only hope.

Thank You and Merry Christmas

2008-12-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you who read my blog, check in on me and my family, pray for us and grieve with us. There is so much that I couldn't have handled had it not been for so many of you praying and loving us through. Please continue to bear our burden with us and may God richly bless you as you have blessed us.

I will try not to be too negative during these next couple of days for all of our sakes. I truly wish you and your families the joy that comes with this time of year because we are reminded of the Greatest Love of All, God's love toward us in the giving up of His only Son, Jesus. Celebrate and enjoy each other, give extra hugs, have extra patience....enjoy your Christmas.

I will turn my eyes upon the stable, the humble place of my Saviours birth, I will listen for the angels that sing His praise, I will hear the baby Jesus cry, I will focus on this gift, The Greatest Gift, the gift we can all have of eternal life. Praise be to our Great God, Happy Birthday Jesus!

Getting Through

2008-12-22T16:35:00.000-08:00

I went to the kids Christmas program at church last night. I tried to stay clear of most everyone and of course that didn't work very well. People are very kind and try to be comforting. Nothing really comforts me right now unfortunately.

When it was just about time for the little ones, ages 2-3 to go up and sing, the parents of all those precious babies went up front to take pictures. Of course our little Russell was up there too and I remember last year saying to Matt, "Next year Russell and Gretta will be up there together and it will be so cute!" But she wasn't there. I saw all these happy and proud parents taking pictures of their little kids, (girls mostly) friends of Gretta's, and my heart just started to pound. "Why God, Why?" "Where is she? Why does it hurt so bad?" After the program was over, I held it together until then, I just sat in the front of the church. I was frozen there really, couldn't get up and I just cried. I prayed that no one would come up after me, that no one would notice, I didn't want to get up and run to a bathroom, I just couldn't move. Thankfully, only my husband came up to see if I was okay and I just asked him to give me a few minutes.

Really, these last few days especially, I almost feel like I'm in shock again, like after Gretta first died. I am having trouble doing anything really. I just want to hide away, alone. Skip the whole holiday altogether. Alas, I am not allowed. "You have 3 other children who need you!" Someone reminded me again last night, wasn't the first time I have heard that or thought it myself. Somehow it seems like a stale excuse to me.

I realize why the Holidays are so hard for me. It's not that there is anything Gretta did on Christmas that we are missing out on now, or some tradition that we got used to and now it's not here anymore. It is simply that you are supposed to be so CHEERFUL and full of MERRY and GIVING and THOUGHTFUL and EXCITED and JOYFUL and BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! I'm none of those things and I can't even muster up the energy or desire to FAKE IT!!

Everyone says I will get through this next couple weeks. I know that I will because there are so many faithful people that will be praying for me. But the truth is, it's like going through a really hard birthing labor, you know you will most likely live through it, you're just not all that sure that you want to.

Thoughts After Midnight

2008-12-17T22:17:00.000-08:00

So again I can't sleep, mind racing thinking about all this stuff. My cousin just had a baby that's in intensive care. Little girl, Kaylee. So I'm praying for her tonight. Praying for all the brokeness out there, the pain.

This thing, grief...it's something else. I usually don't know what day it is. I show up for appointments all proud of myself for making it, only to find out I had the right day of the week just not the right week. I double book my schedule and there are no brainwaves telling me I am doing it. I buy Christmas presents I have already bought two weeks ago and forgot about. I burned a bowl of peas for dinner...PEAS!!! Do you know how hard it is to burn peas? I can't remember which side of the plate the fork goes on. I feel perfectly fine one minute and in the middle of a group of people I have an overwhelming urge to lye down right on the floor and cry. Luckily I have not done this, though I have come frighteningly close on more than one occasion.

The light is different. It's never really day anymore, just a long, long version of dusk. I keep busy all the time. My mind cannot stop to rest for fear of the thoughts that might creep in. So I play puzzles and do dishes and organize cubboards and closets....only to go back to them and find them completely disorganized again. I need to refocus on something but nothing seems to help. I read my bible and have to reread what I just read because nothing registered. I pray and it feels like my words are hitting the ceiling.

I am scared that if I talk about all of this stuff too much, the people that have hung in there so far are going to up and walk away for self preservation. I cannot be who I once was, it is this impossible thing and there is nothing I can do about it. I do not know who I am supposed to be now or who I might turn out to be some time down the road. Change has never bothered me. In fact I have always welcomed it. But this isn't just change, this is some hardcore transition period with no time table. No syllabus, no directives, nothing. Just go through, push on, wake up another day, do another thing, smile another smile, cry another ocean.

All you people out there, just stop and hug your kids, stare into their eyes, touch their hands, kiss their faces....breathe them in, listen to the sound of their voice, their laughter. What I wouldn't give to even see Gretta one more time, hold her, listen to her little voice, sing a song with her, anything.

Going Through the Motions

2008-12-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

Life has a way of forcing us to move forward. There are things that have to be done, people we must respond to, places we must go. When all the world keeps moving along and you feel it should have stopped; at some point you have to go along with it. Whether willingly or not, I am being pulled along through the holiday season. I will bake cookies, I will Christmas shop, (and already have) I will play Christmas music (I am even singing in a group for a Christmas program), I did decorate the tree and house, I WILL participate. Inside almost all the things I am doing, I do begrudgingly but with a smile on my face. At least a 1/2 smile. Why have the Holidays come this year? Why has the calendar turned? Where did the snow come from? Hasn't anyone been informed that the world stopped on September 4th around 11:00 am?

I know that our celebration is not a Holiday per say. It is a rejoicing by all the believers that our Savior was born. That we indeed have a real Savior, that He came to save us. This I celebrate without disdain. This my soul freely rejoices. This Christ, our Lord, is the reason I will make it through the days of human holidays. Because He lives! Because He came! Because He died for me! Even the death of my own daughter does not take away the joy of that gift, because I will see my Lord again someday (soon I hope) and with that glorious meeting I will also see my sweet Gretta.

I am sad to the point of saturation, but I identify with my God in sorrow and with my Savior in suffering. God in His infinite mercy has allowed me to know Him better because of the great loss our family is suffering too. I am thankful that God trusted us with this. Still, I long to hold my baby girl.

Sometimes I am Just Sad

2008-12-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

All day today I have been on the verge of tears. Everything I see, read, listen to or do makes me sad. I can't seem to shake it. I do not feel comforted, warm, or protected from this wave of sadness that surrounds me. I want to lay down and sleep and think it would be a bonus if I just didn't wake up.

This is where I am at today. I never know where I will be at from day to day. I don't have anything encouraging to say or comfort to extend to those who are praying for me. I am thankful people are praying, I can't imagine what that would be like....not having the prayer support.

I know that it is easy to slip into a spirit of pity, sorry that we are missing all the things that could have been.

Gretta was just talking when she died. Everyday she said new words, you know, that stage when they are just bursting forth with learning and growing. I think about what she would have sounded like trying to say "Christmas" or "Christmas tree" or "Presents". How excited she would have been at the blinking lights on the tree. How much longer her hair would have been. We picture how many times she would probably try to sneak over and unwrap presents and how in her truest form, she would have kept doing it no matter how many times we disciplined her. That was Gretta. No fear.

As I watch my little Russell playing alone with a couple stuffed animals and talking to himself, I think how unfair it is that he had a playmate and now he is having to learn to play alone. It just doesn't seem right.

I should say that I am taking great comfort in the blessings we do have. But today, I just can't seem to do that. That is where I am at today. That is where I will probably be all day today.

I'm just sad.

Interesting and Amazing

2008-11-24T12:07:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I am once again amazed at the way God speaks to me. Here I am thinking that I cannot hear His voice. I have been thinking to myself (but not admitting to anyone else): "Well I just don't know what to pray anymore, who for, why or even if I can!" I did not tell anyone this, I did not want any to lose heart in my process or progress. So this is what happened to me in the last two days.

Yesterday I recieved a letter from a long-gone friend from elementary school. Her name is Ellen. Out of the blue I get a letter from her, she is living somewhere in Iowa now. I knew her a short time as a girl and we were not real close, but friends as friends are when you are small. The letter was encouraging and truthful and full of love extended from her Christian heart. On the bottom of the letter was the Scripture written out in her hand, Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way, the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." Now Ellen wrote this in her script in King James version and so I read it a couple times through just to make sure I got it. I have to be honest that my first thought was "That's an interesting verse, I wonder why she chose that one."

Today, I was checking my blog and looked at the comments posted on the last one. Nicole wrote eloquently and beyond her years in wisdom, siting my angst and weariness and encouraged me much. At the bottom of her comment she writes THE SAME VERSE!!!! I began to cry.

Oh my Father in Heaven, even as I sat here wondering what or how to pray now, TWO people in TWO days sent me Your personal message, lest I be swayed by Satan himself into believing my state of being was inappropriate and moving me away from You. How is it that one can stand under the stars of the sky and the beauty of this earth and not KNOW there is a God. Not only IS there ONE God, but that He knows us, knows our thoughts, our worries, our infirmities, our faults and misgivings, LOVES us so much that even when we THINK that we are out of touch with Him; He is INDEED in touch with us in the most intimate and personal way. Thank You Abba, My Father.

God knew where I was at, the Holy Spirit did indeed intercede for me and did my praying in a way I could not utter alone. Then used two willing and wonderful servants to make sure that I KNEW my silence were prayers reaching the throne of God.

Interesting, but mostly, my God is amazing.

Is It Okay to Just "Be"???

2008-11-21T17:45:00.000-08:00

I went to my grief group last night again. It was the third time. It was good.
I have been struggling with just being in the state I am in. I feel stagnent.

I have always been a goal orientated person. A foreward-moving, something's cookin', "I've got an idea!" person. Not now. I have no ideas, no thoughts towards having any, no goals other than making it through another day, no motivation for anything really. On top of all of this feeling really rather not like myself at all, I feel guilty about it.

In group, the counselor told me that Type A personalities need to "be still" when they are grieving. They basically gave me permission to be this person that is nothing like my former self.

You know the thing is, Gretta's death is monumental to me. Everything I say, somehow starts with, "Before" or "After" [Gretta's death]. Well, frankly I am resenting this monument altogether. It is there and I cannot move it. It will forever be there, on September 4th, 2008. My life, our families life was irrevocabley changed and I am just not happy about this at all.

I have been reminded that I may get angry about this death, it may be a part of grief. Maybe because people have told me this, I am starting to feel a little resentful. Maybe I just am.

Anyway, for me, as for most women, we must have permission to be sick and in bed, sick in the head, grieve in a our own way, etc. For some reason, it helps to feel like someone said it was okay to be whatever we already are anyway. So thanks for giving me permission to just be. Because that is all I can do anyway.

Promise Card

2008-11-13T13:59:00.000-08:00

I recieved this in the mail yesterday.

Promise Card for Those Who Mourn

Blessed are those who ache over the loss of the irreplaceable treasure of a loved one whose face can no longer receive a kiss.
Blessed are those who weep over the loss of holiness in our land, who are ashamed of the shamelessness of our culture.
Blessed are those who know the depths of pain without becoming hard and who are soft enough to learn the wisdom that only comes from tears.

Incidently, this card came from my mother.

"Do The Next Thing"

2008-11-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

I had coffee with a friend of mine the other day. This gal is a person who I did not know very well before Gretta died. Immediately following, she told me that she was going to call me everyday for "a long, long time". She has been faithful to that burden that God obviously placed on her heart alone. Everyday whether I answer the phone or not, she calls. I can hear her children in the background of the message, crashing around or crying or laughing, which confirms to me that in the "thick" of her day I was still on her mind. She stopped whatever it was she was doing and called me. It has been sortof a life preserver for me.

Funny, but I don't expect her call. I don't wait to see if she calls, she just does. Now, some people I have told that to immediately feel guilty because they don't call me enough. Or so they think. But I have to say that this woman was obviously given a burden by God to do this for me. If everyone called me everyday, it would not be a good thing. There are many, many people who have done and continue to do other things for me or our family and I am not saying one is better than another. It just continues to amaze me what God did for me through this friend in such a special way.

Then while we were having coffee in the middle of my messy house the other morning, she gave me another gift. She said,
"MY grandmother used to say, when you don't know what to do or how to keep going, 'Just do the next thing '".
Now this is something that spoke to me greatly. So since Thursday it has been my mantra. When I collapse on a chair or find myself standing in the kitchen staring out a window or starting a job and not having the strength to finish, I hear that little phrase, "Just do the next thing," and I do.

Thankfulness in Trial

2008-10-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Psalm 28:7
"The Lord is my strenth and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him."

Even in the midst of a great suffering, a trial, whatever we are brought through, there are things to be thankful for. Notice I said, brought through. For we are not forced through, pushed and prodded, we are not drug through as if hanging on to an invisible rope, we are not running or walking alone, but our Heavenly Father walks alongside, His mighty hand on our back or under our shoulder or even sometimes He is carrying us. He is bringing us through whatever He has allowed in our lives for a purpose, for a reason.

I have been taught by my mother to make a "Thankful List", when life gets you down. Now is a good time, just like the Psalmist David did in great trial. To be thankful is sometimes just hard to do to be honest. But if given to much thought, I know there is so much to be thankful for. So today I share with you my thankful list, to encourage myself and you and to truly thank my God for just some of the good He has done in my life.

I AM THANKFUL FOR:

My eternal salvation
Hope of living forever in a pain-free place (Heaven)
A God I can personally know, who loves me with an everlasting love
The Living Word of God, that speaks to me, comforts me, guides me, makes promises to me that have never been broken.
A church family, a church where I am free to worship my Savior, openly
The knowledge that this world is only temporary and I await with great anticipation my meeting with Jesus and reunion with my little Gretta.
A husband to grieve with, to hold, to love, who loves me unconditionally
My parents
My children here with me and their health
Sisters
A family who sacrifices themselves to make sure I'm okay
In-Laws (No really!!)
Mentors
Friends who pray, serve, love, give, make time, make phone calls, just are
A home that is warm
Food that is good and safe to eat, food
Music, food for the soul
Water to drink
Vehicles
Socks on cold mornings
Coffee
A warm coat for everyone in my family

Thank You my Father for all of the personal blessings You alone give to me everyday!

2008-10-23T11:11:00.001-07:00

Crashing After The Shock

2008-10-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this must be the crash time. I feel I am out of shock and onto total and complete meltdown. I know the promises of God's words. They are a comfort and I know the only way I will get through this. But I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS!!!

I have had 4-6 panic attacks, (not that I knew what one was, but found out shortly after I was about to go to ER thinking I was having a heart attack). I went away for a weekend and despite the great company and much support, I felt like I was going a little crazy. I didn't want to leave home and I didn't want to go back home either, knowing Gretta would not be home.

I feel completely worthless as a housekeeper, cook, launderer, wife and mother. No energy to speak of, just a lot of crying and tearing up most days. I want to say something encouraging, but I really don't have anything to say.

My doctor finally gave me something to sleep. But what about the days??? I mean I realize this is part of grief, but I would like to just disappear for however long and hide out. Pretend I am not me anymore and this hasn't happened.

I am usually a strong person and strong is the last thing that I am right now. I don't know what to do for my husband who is also struggling just to make it work and he doesn't know what to do for me.

My friend stopped over today and cleaned up my house and made dinner and left. I wasn't even home to thank her, but she is so selfless. She is an amazing woman, often overlooked because she is not a huge people person, but one of my closest friends.

My sister helped me clean out Gretta's furniture today, that's what she likes to do, "tackle things". I usually do too. But I just moved one article around and around and cried and cried. All the things Gretta was going to wear, the potty chair she was so excited about sitting on, the rocking horse she "galloped" away on with a huge smile on her face, her baby rocking chair she would sit in and sing, "rock, rock, rock rock", her snowsuit all pink and fluffy, I could just picture her finally able to forge the snowy ground in her little boots and hat, playing with the big kids. So much to lose, so much to grieve, so much to think about. My sweet little child.

I keep waiting to wake up feeling better. It hasn't happened yet. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone, talk to anyone, because what can I say...."Here I am, I am a mess, my house is a mess, my life is a mess". I feel like we are going to lose everything on top of losing our daughter and to me, it just doesn't seem fair. Every week we fall further and further behind on everything.

Everynight, I crash again, like a constant crashing, the only hope is that I can crash into a loving God who knows how I feel and comforts me. It is something after all to know that HE will NEVER fail me, even when I feel like I am failing all around.

2008-10-10T21:24:00.001-07:00

Ooba Dooba Snooba, "My Snooby"

2008-10-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

"I will protect you..." Acts 26:17

"I will comfort you..." Isaiah 66:13

"I will give you peace..." Leviticus 26:6

"I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:12

"I will carry you..." Isaiah 46:4

"I will strengthen you..." Isaiah 41:10

"I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"I will be with you." Genesis 31:3

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28

"He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power." Isaiah 40:29

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

These Scripture were written by a dear friend of mine in my blog comments. Thank you Nicole. Thank you for taking the time to write out all that Scripture for me and for comforting our family and praying for us. Thank you all for being faithful to God's call to help us bear this grief.

All of you who are praying for our family, I would like you to pray specifically for Russell. He is 3 years old and he is taking this the hardest. He drops to the floor numerous time a day sobbing. He is aggressive, ornry, whiny, sad and inconsolable. This is not his normal self. It seems to get worse not better as the days pass. Our pediatrician, Dr. Rourke, said to expect him to get better and then to get worse, as his brain grows he will have to reprocess this grief numerous times. Please pray for my little "Snooby". He is so lost without his playmate, Gretta. They were only 14 mo. apart and he is just so sad.

One More Day

2008-10-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

Just one more day, Oh Lord. How can you expect me to get through this day? There is this physical ache, void, pain, emptiness, it is all consuming sometimes. Like a heavy weight, like a claustrophobic, breathless, I must die soon, moment. Don't even ask me about the mental, spiritual or emotional feelings, sometimes the physical is all I can handle.

I believe in God. I believe in God's plans. I believe in God's comfort, grace, mercy and GREAT love. But I AM HUMAN and I grieve like GOD made me to grieve. I take comfort in these words but I must admit that I have to remember to remember them many, many times throughout each day. This is me, this is honest. WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD DID MY GRETTA HAVE TO DIE????? And then HE speaks to me like this....

"Why not you, my child? Why not your baby?"
"I did not cause this, but I will make great things come of it."
"I am the Great Comforter".
"Yes you are walking through this valley of death but I am with you, I will carry you."
"I gave my ONLY Son for you Lesley, I watched him tortured and mocked and beaten and abused and nailed to a cross, and I cried and I am crying with you now, I KNOW how you feel and I will not leave you."
"I have began a great work in you and I will finish it."
"Gretta is my child too, I have always taken care of her and I am taking care of her now."

What else, Lord? What other comfort can you tell me, is this really enough, I don't feel the pain going away, tell me more...."
and He replies...

"I will never leave you, I have not forsaken you."
"For you know the plans I have for you and these plans will not harm you, but will bring about good for many people, for you."
"You are my child and I hold you in the palm of My Mighty Hand, I will never forget, I am the One who will never forget."
"Lean on Me, you can do anything through the strength that I give you."
"Don't worry Lesley about tomorrow and how you will feel then, just trust Me and cry to me, and I will hear you and lift you up, 'one day at a time'."

And finally my heart slows it's painful beating, as my tears roll down my face, a little pain is lifted, if only for a moment and I breathe. I breathe in and breathe out, slowly and I don't think about tomorrow but just about now and how I can feel Jesus reaching out to me and holding me and loving me and I thank Him right now in the midst of this storm, because I promised Him I would 'praise You in this storm' and I do for one more day.

One Month and a Day

2008-10-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

Me, Jordi & Mason

My Mom & Gretta

Well, the calendar says that it's been one month now, so why does it seem like yesterday that Gretta died? I really don't know. This grieving part of the human process is exhausting. Like Matt said tonight, I just want to get to the part where we can say, "Look, see all the great things God did with that? Isn't it amazing how God used a tragedy for His good? I miss her but I see 'The Big Picture' now!"

Well folks! We are not there yet! But for me, I can honestly say, that God is good and each day He gives me a little piece of the puzzle that is our lives. A little glimpse of the greater good. And for a little while it calms my soul, quiets my anguish, dries my tears. But I return to the grief because I am human and it is there waiting for me to come back. It is heavy and wet and screaming and sad, it is present. How do people suffer without God? God who is love, God who wants to give us everything we need? How do they do ANYTHING without the knowledge of Christ and His GREAT love for us? I don't know. Because I have the privilege of experiencing His comfort, His solace, His compassion, His strength, His grieving for us, His promises (so, so many promises!), and each night (or early morning hours in my case), as I finally slip off to bed, exhausted from the whole process of the day; I remember that if there is a tomorrow-His GREATNESS will be available to me all day again! What a Father, ha? What a Holy, Amazing, Gracious, Living God we have.....Do you have Him? Oh my heart is heavy for anyone that does not know Him. Let me know if you would like to know Him.

Little Did I Know

2008-10-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

I just read through a couple of my blogs from earlier this year. If there is anyone actually reading these I encourage you all to go to my entry for May 30, 2008, "Time of Trial"......when you finish reading that you will understand the title to today's blog, Little Did I Know.

But still, as I read Times of Trial I realized that God was preparing me. It sure seems obvious. I was being made ready for a deeper, more painful trial. I was being refined for a bluer flame. Here I am in the midst of the heat and I am crying out with anguish. God has not spared me the pain. Just as He did not spare the pain of our Lord before the cross and on the cross. But He is giving me the strength to remain in the fire, to be refined, to draw me closer to Him, to keep my mind set on Him, to keep my eyes focused on 'the big picture'.

The Durocher Family, Vital Harvest

2008-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

I just recieved my new CD, Vital Harvest by the Durocher Family. This band is amazing and local to our area. I think they are leaving on a 2 month tour tomorrow. This is the band that graciously played at Gretta's funeral for our family. They are amazing musicians, glorifying God with their testimony to His grace and love. In general this family is simply out of the ordinary in a wonderful way. I won't tell their whole story, because I don't know it all, but suffice it to say that we spent one fantastic night around their front porch and bonfire, singing and laughing and enjoying wonderul food and fellowship together. This time will be remembered by our family for many years to come. If you view Grett'a Funeral Service Link you will be able to hear their music and my personal favorite that they performed there, "Trusting You". I have been playing that song in my head since her funeral and one of their 12 children, Gabe, handed me the CD tonight at church. I brought it home and just keep playing the CD over and over, shedding tears for Gretta, but also tears of joy for the promises of God that are being sung right into my heart.

So heres to The Durochers and their tour. God Bless Them as they have so richly blessed us!

Memories

2008-09-27T20:54:00.001-07:00

2008-09-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

Death

2008-09-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, the biggest, most feared thing in all the world has come true. Our two year old sweet daughter has been taken home to be with our Heavenly Father. I will write more later, but Gretta Claire Wyman born June 6, 2006, lived only until September 4th, 2008. Her death was accidental and she was caught in the the cord of one of our window shades. Psalm 139: 15 says that before we were woven in our mothers womb, all our days were ordained by God. We believe it was Gretta's day to die. We believe that God has a purpose in all of this. We are heartbroken and devastated and lost and in pain, but we have hope in what God will do through this.

I walked awhile with Pleasure
She chatted all the way
But not a thing I learned from her
When Pleasure walked away

I walked awhile with Sorrow
He uttered ne'er a word
But oh the things I learned from him
When sorrow was my friend.

We must believe that God's way is the best way, that no matter the pain, no matter the sorrow, God does not make mistakes. We know that our little Gretta will be safe and happy in the arms of her Saviour until we meet her again in Heaven. If you do not know whether your destination is secure after your life is over, please contact me, I will listen, I will share, I will help you to bear your unthinkable burdens and then show you how to lay them at the feet of Christ. Contact me at lasterling29@yahoo.com

Weather

2008-05-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Here in Minnesota the weather is the most casual conversation we have. It happens on the street, in the WalMart parking lot or checkout counter, in our church lobbies and from our telephones. "Is it summer yet?" "Are you sick of this snow?" "Do you think it will rain this weekend?"

We rely on people we know more than we do the weather channel. Let's face it, in MN. the weatherman is mostly wrong. While I sit at my computer on May 30th writing in my blog, I can glance out the window to the dark sky and damp surroundings and wonder to myself why the weather is on my mind. I suppose it's because of the many months of cold we endure here and how forward we look to nice days of play and work outside. Today the infamous weather will mostly contain me to the house. Again.

Here is a couple pictures of play from the very few days we have had so far, to be outside.

Times of Trial

2008-05-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

I have spent time with a few good people lately. In doing so I have been reminded that I am not alone in going through times of trial. I am not easily surprised by times of trial, they are familiar to me like an old pair of shoes still hidden in the back of my closet.

The new development for us is another lay off for Matthew. This is the second time in a year or so. While it is unsettling to say the least, it is a time of testing our faith and perseverance. My husband seems to have a little more calm than I do about the whole thing. From the first day of his lay off he has had work from friends that God has used to provide for us. I can't tell you how thankful we are for that. In fact, Matt has been working more than he was before he got laid off. At the end of this week his temporary jobs will be finished. So we are trusting God for each day and taking one day at a time.

I don't know many people who are not being tested right now. I have a dear cousin who has lost two babies. I can't imagine the agony of this trial. I have a good friend who is struggling to keep a marriage together. Another whose husband works too much. Another who lives with an unsaved husband and is prayerfully concerned for his life after life. Many, many of us are learning that this life is exactly what my father warned me it would be, when he would say, "Lesley, life is hard so you better get used to it now.". Some would say, too hard at times. Then in the 'big picture' there are people dying in fire, hurricane, earthquakes, tornadoes, vices of all kinds. Times of trial are coming at a faster rate it would seem. Is it another sign of the end? To be sure it is the refining fire. We wake up and praise Him for the sunshine and make it through another day. We try to do our best, be all that we can be for Him.

I rejoice for a christian family and friends, I mourn for those who do not have a foundation in the Lord, loving people around them to remind them that God is indeed in control. I am reminded that we are to 'Give thanks for all things', to "Trust and obey", to "Fear not, for the Lord your God is with you", I am so thankful to know and believe these promises...these truths, these anchors.

Times of trial can be ugly but as I go through ours I hold on to the promise of our lives being more beautiful when we make it through to the other side.

Intelligent Conversations

2008-04-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

Interesting to me is the kind of conversations we can have that lack all intelligence. We talk about the weather almost by force in Minnesota, we talk about shopping, ("Can you believe I got this shirt for $5.00?"), we talk about what we did over the weekend, ("Not much, went out to dinner and caught up on laundry."), we talk about that last pair of jeans we fit into and how we are trying to get back into them, "Blah, blah, blah blah BLAH"!

Someone posted a comment on my blog and I read her profile. It struck me how much we are alike and I don't even know her. She almost quoted what I have said many times, "I love intelligent conversations about God, politics...". You get the idea. Why is it that so much of the time we spend on unintelligent words and ideas? Are our lives so boring and stagnant that we really can't think of anything more exciting than shopping and then washing all those needless clothes we bought?

I must admit that I have quite a few intelligent friends and our conversations often turn towards something with a little more meat in them. I admire my friend Katie, who probably to a fault, researches everything and can answer most of my questions with something intelligent, if not completely accurate. I call her for lots of things and she is pretty faithful to give me something to think about.

I admire my friend Charlie, who not only has stood by me through many ill fated decisions but also has kept most of those things to himself afterward. One of the things I appreciate about him the most is his candor and honesty. He tells it like it is, according to God and his own experiences and then tops it off with his reasons. He doesn't shove anything down anyones throat without a few solid reasons to back it up. I really like that in a person.

I admire my friend and former boss, Steven. That guy is tapped into almost every tree of life with something insightful to offer in the way of an opinion, fact, article, pod cast, cd, you name it, he knows a good source! I recently was given a book that I believe was questionable in it's theology and motives. The first person I thought about asking was Steven and my instinct was right, he knew the author and knew something about him. Steven gives me his "take" on things but has never insisted I agree, rather he encourages me to do my own thinking, praying and research! (Which my friend Katie is probably at home already doing!) Admittedly, I am a slow learner, so I guess I pick people who are natural butt kickers! It keeps me moving in the right direction!

So a special thanks goes out to "Jessica", the gal from California who posted a comment on my blog. I owe this blog to your profile!

Snow in April

2008-04-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

'April showers bring May flowers', but in Minnesota you just get 2 feet of snow dumped on top of you in April and then have to shovel your way out of the house. Yesterday it snowed 24 inches in my little town. We plowed 3 times during the day and into the night, got the ATV stuck in a snowbank and ended up having to shovel ourselves out.

The funniest part is that this just isn't funny at all. I WANT SPRING!!!! (Hey screaming and stomping my feet in protest usually didn't work for me as a kid, but maybe it will this time! When you get 2 feet of snow in April, anything is worth a try!!)

I was thinking of posting some pictures of the snow but then remembered that everyone I know has seen the snow and is really quite sick of it already! For those of you who are the ever optimists and reply with, "It really is beautiful though." I feel the need to remind you to stay focused. Snow is beautiful in December, in April it is very ugly.

Writing

2008-04-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

I have always known since a young girl, that I should be a writer. Sometime between ages 8-12, I decided I was. I have never used the title of course, but inside myself I felt that I was just that.

Over the past 3 years or so, I have felt this tugging to write a book. I have had ideas of what and who, but 'putting pen to paper' has not happened. Now writing something sits between me and the future like a huge boulder I cannot move. Around the other side, I see this person that I am not now, but hope to be. Built around the boulder is a wall of excuses, not the least of which is, "I am too busy being a wife and mother and photographer and isn't that enough?". So why this constant alarm in my head that I need to write something. After all, I make 'To Do Lists' all the time. That should be enough for now, shouldn't it?

People have told me time and again, "You should write a book!" Responding, I suppose, to the stories I tell about my past life and things that have happened to me and because of me. I try to decipher now, whether I am being prompted by the Holy Spirit to do this thing, or my own ego and first born nature, that has forever told me I must be accomplishing something and be doing a damn good job at it as well.

I certainly suppose that anti-depressants were developed solely for the sake of mothers who drank too much coffee and lived in Northern Minnesota all winter long, pining away for the sun, while trying to figure out what else they should/could be doing. I came by this thought honestly, having taken anti-depressants in the past, drank too much coffee then and now, am sitting at my computer this morning, indeed, pining for the sun to come out and wondering what else I should be doing.

Spirals

2008-03-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure it's the long winter days, that still haven't ended. The grey days, longer now than a month ago. The wind howling through the old windows on this house. The need to still wear my gloves when I go out to warm up the car...still. It's almost April and my mind is spiraling. I am almost like an amphibian shedding it's outer layer. Things are changing inside me as well as out.

People that I have trusted, I no longer trust. Friends I thought I had, I do not. My children are betraying me by growing out of their shoes and clothes and coats and baby teeth. Everything is changing. I require spring. I need new growth. In every possible way. I am thankful for what remains constant. My God, my husband, my street address.

The Day To Day

2008-03-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

Every morning I wake up and think....."coffee". It's almost my first thought before my mind starts wandering through what I need to accomplish for the day. I'm not sure when I started needing my morning cup of java. Somewhere in my late twenties, I'm almost sure. Now that I think of it, it must have happened after I had my first child.

That wonderful smell of brewing coffee will wake me up every time. The problem is: I am the only coffee drinker in the house, so unless it's an unusual Saturday and my husband remembers to start my brew...I rarely wake up to the smell. I had a programmable coffee pot before and that worked nicely, until it broke. Now I just have a simple pot. So I drag myself out of bed and almost automatically stumble to the sink to fill my pot with H20 and start my day.

Next, I feed the kids breakfast. Then I sit down to check my email. Sometime after my first cup I make necessary phone calls and then start cleaning up the house. When I had two children, my house was already clean when I got up in the morning. Not anymore. In fact, now, my house is rarely picked up. Sometimes it's clean, but rarely picked up. With four children, I made the decision to accept the fact that it will never be picked up, save the occasion when company is coming over. I'm really okay with it now, it was an adjustment that had to be made.

I am about to begin my wedding season for my photography business. This weekend will be my first wedding this year and it looks like it will be cold. I was hoping for better weather. Is anyone buying this Global Warming crap? Personally, I am not.

Keeping with the theme of 'The Big Picture', my life has become somewhat normal after all these years. The daily hum drum and weekly outings are all part of my life that I love. My husband comes home at a regular time. We spend dinner and an hour afterwards counting out our day for each other. We read to the kids, we have family devotions most nights. We work on a home project, (instigated by me and finished by my husband in most cases). It's a nice slow dance that we do. It's regular, it's normal, it's nice. It's my day to day.

The Blessing of Friends

2008-02-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

My husband is my best friend. It's not a revelation or anything, it just is. I am so grateful to have him. His quiet way of listening to me, my thoughts, ideas and creative complaints. He is always so willing to hear what I have to say and when I do have a problem he is a great source of counsel and wisdom. I wish it was this way with every couple. I don't think all women realize what a source of wisdom their husbands can be to them. That being said....

I have girlfriends that I couldn't imagine life without. There are just some things that are best shared between gals. I have laughed the hardest with some of these wonderful women. I have a couple of girlfriends that are the funniest people I have ever met. I am just thankful they like me as much as I like them. It's always a riot just being with them. I have some other girlfriends that God just brought into my life recently. I am so thankful for them as well. There is just nothing like a new friend, getting to know them, finding out about them and their lives.

I have a small group of girls that I trust. I know whatever I say to them, they will keep it in confidence. This is rare. As well meaning as women can be, in my experience, being able to trust them is a completely different story. Trust is the difference between friends and beloved friends. I am so thankful for that group of women I can call beloved. I would do anything for them and I know they would do the same for me. These are the ones that I classify as right under my husband. Ultimately, he is the one human that I can trust wholly, with no question. That is truly priceless. I pray that my children will have spoused and friends just like that. I am blessed!

It's Not Where You Are It's Who You're With!

2008-01-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

I moved away from home at age 17, rebellious and angry. I lived in quite a few states around the U.S., looking for the greener grass, as they say. I tell people now that I found greener grass almost everywhere I lived. So it is true that the grass can be greener on the other side! Here in Northern Minnesota and especially right now, we are moving around a frozen tundra like ice men and women, chipped right out of glacier or something. During my time away, when I would call home to mom, I would tell her how lovely it was in California, where I could wear my shorts on the porch in January; or how nice the mountains were in Montana and how friendly the people were. Then there was Florida, where the people weren't nice at all and the humidity could kill people from dryer climates in about 1/2 an hour (but the beaches, oh the beaches!!!) Mom always said the same thing to me everytime I finished my recital about better places to live, "It's not where you are honey, it's who you're with!"

Well, I've been back in Minnesota now for about 10 years, and my mothers advice rings truer each year. Sure, the misquito's will literally eat you alive in July, the army worms will take over your entire plant system, you won't be shocked to wake up to 14 degrees in April and come January and February you might as well get a warm quilt out, put on your long johns and snuggle up to your hubby for the entire two month! Still, like tonight when I had to run to the store for something in 30 below zero, I came home to four happy children having evening devotions with their dad, a fire burning in the fireplace and a warm hubby to cuddle up to for the night. Mom was right again, it's really not where you are, it's who your with!

The Prodigal Years

2008-01-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

Today I drifted back, just briefly, to my prodigal years. I spent 10 + years married to someone who is the opposite of my husband now in every way. During that time, there were so many crazy things that happened to me and around me, that now looking back it just seems like it happened to someone else I know.

Maybe I don't even know that person, maybe I've just heard of her. Either way, I am blessed to live under God's restoring power and my life is full, joyful, simple and good. But I drifted back today....

I was living in California, about 22 years old at the time, in a huge house with my then husband and 4 of his 9 brothers. They were always mooching off of us and moving in, causing problems constantly in many ways. This particular night I had arrived home from work to find one of the brothers in a drug induced freak-out! The other brothers were yelling at him, telling him to leave or go somewhere else, (not because they were drug-free by any means, just because the one was out of control and everyone was scared!) He didn't leave. Instead he went upstairs to his bedroom where he continued to rant and rave, punching the walls, screaming, "I'm going to kill you, just kill me, I want to die, I can't, I can't..." and so on.

I started to feel the frenzy of the house, so I went upstairs quietly and sat outside his closed bedroom door. I started to pray, "In the name and power of Jesus, through the blood that was shed on the cross, I command you Satan to leave this boy, this room, this house, immediately." I kept praying these few words out loud but in a hushed whisper. Slowly the brother began to slow his pacing and lower his voice, I could hear him sucking air like it was hard to breathe...I kept praying....I heard him sit on the bed and start sobbing. Then he lye on the bed and fell asleep and I could hear him snoring. All in about 10 minutes maybe.

I remember this for two pivitol reasons. One, I was a little scared but the power that I felt was overwhelming, I knew that what I was doing was going to change what he was doing, I knew...without doubt...there are demons. Secondly, I was not living my life for the Lord at the time, still I could grasp the power that we have as believers available to us, and so, I knew that despite whatever else people may think, you CANNOT lose your salvation....ever.

As this applies to the general theme of The Big Picture, demons and drugs are related. I'm not saying everyone who does drugs is possessed, but it's just the simplicity of not being so ignorant as to think that the powers of darkness aren't related to all of the darkness around us.