7 Years. Depending on how you look at it, it's a long time. Or not. Grief will follow you all the way down the road. It doesn't drop off on a different path along the way, it leads. It stands front and center even when you can't see it, even when you don't want it. It shapes your soul.It lines your face. It etches a picture on your mind that cannot be erased. 

In the small moments, it is a touch, a smile, a pat, a compassionate word towards another. An empathetic, sorrowful and heavy, kiss of grief.  It does more than most would imagine. It changes the psyche. The eyes and what they see, the ears and what they hear, the touch and what it feels. 

No one believes it, but you walk through the world completely different. It leaves you changed. And nobody really wanted that. Nobody asked for it, no one wants to turn into it. Grief doesn't give choices. It envelopes. It closes you in, it liberates you. 

We have becomes something we did not want. We have developed a part of ourselves that we did not see, did not hear, did not desire. 


When God called their name, He called ours too.  He wanted to see our faces again. He wanted to hear our voices, touch the souls that He created..Maybe God will not reveal all of the purposes, but He does reveal so much. Are we willing to wait over the earth, the dirt, the trials, the days? Are we willing to wait while we serve the others?

I will wait. Baited, but waiting.

So here's the God part that gave me shivers...

Right after I wrote the last post, I was on Pinterest looking at bungalow houses, because the house we put an offer on in Chaska, MN was a little bungalow.  The more I looked at the pictures, the more I wanted the house.  I was getting excited, but also feeling stressed and my stomach started clenching up with anxiety.  I was scrolling the page on Pinterest and was almost to the bottom when in the middle of the page was a Bible verse that read, "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.  Luke 1:16"

I immediately teared up.  In the middle of the page of pictures of bungalow's there was this verse.  I knew it was for me from God.  I had been struggling with the thought of trusting God to the point of assurance or my usual way of trusting but not allowing myself to believe fully until I had the facts.  It was pretty clear right then that God was letting me know I could believe it.  I felt complete peace after that and went to bed.

Yesterday, I did some Yoga, chores, cooking etc. and felt much calmer and relaxed the whole day.  As evening faded to night, I said to myself, "Ok, well we didn't find out today, so tomorrow must be the day!"  I got into bed and my phone immediately rang.  It was our Realtor and she said, "You got the house!"

So thank you for all your prayers because God heard and answered!  WE GOT THE HOUSE!

So a family of country dwellers are moving to the city life and we are excited!  I can only imagine what God has in store for us there.

Next prayer request, that God shows us the church He has planned out and that Jordan gets into another worship band right away.   She has been singing on two worship teams for two churches for the last year and has it in her heart to become a church worship director.  So excited to see what God will do in her life over the next 4 years as she steps her way into womanhood!

Oh, and if you want to see our little bungalow, here is the link. http://minnesotapropertyforsale.com/idx/mls-4465331-623_e_6th_street_chaska_mn_55318

It's Been Awhile

The last time I wrote in my blog was....I don't even know.  And I guess I've been delaying or ignoring it because so much has happened, changed, blah, blah, blah and I just didn't feel like writing about any of it.

In fact, since the death of our daughter Gretta, almost 6 YEARS ago, I have only written in my bedside journal once.  Once.  A few months ago.

Anyway, things are really changing again for Matt and I and our family.  After almost/exactly 5 years of living in Zimmerman, MN we are moving to the cities.  Matt graduates with his Computer Science Engineering degree in just two weeks, (May 11) and will start working for Emerson Rosemount Engineering in Chanhassen MN the very next day! Ok fine~(May 12).

Our oldest daughter, Jordan, will be a junior in high school this year, Mason just turned 14 and Russell will be going into 4th grade.  Both boys play football and have been playing baseball.  This baseball season just started and I am already missing looking forward to sitting outside watching their games.  We had to sit this season out because we are moving.

Here's where God has us in the process and I am telling you now it has been really tough for me.  God is pushing me while He is blessing me.  We have put 3 different offers on 3 different houses in various SW or SE suburbs/small towns outside of the Twin Cities.  3 unaccepted offers in 3 weeks time.

The blessing is that our house SOLD in 3 days with 4 offers and we got more than we had it listed for.   Which is also how our home in Cohasset, MN sold 5 years ago!

Matt and I have truly agonized over moving our family to the "cities" for REAL or trying to find an acre or so out of the city.  2 nights ago, we couldn't sleep.  We had decided to put an offer on a nice place out in the beautiful little town of Watertown.  If that fell through, we also liked a cute little bungalow in Chaska.
Now Chaska, for us IS the cities, so we weren't sure, ya know.  But by 3 in the morning we had talked and prayed our way to believing that they city is where God wants us to be.

We changed the offer via text at 3:30 in the morning, praying it wouldn't wake up our Realtor Teresa.  (Who by the way was sent BY GOD FOR US.  I'll tell you how special she is in another post when we're all moved into our new house!)

Right now, we haven't heard back from the sellers.  The housing market right now in the twin cities is inventory depleted.  Everything up for sale is selling with multiple offers on the table for each purchase being made.

Furthermore, I DON'T WANT TO RENT!  Can I yell that and still say I am willing to accept any outcome and I am trusting God and not trying to boss God around?  I'm not sure.  But I did.

Okay, so everyone out there.  PRAY for us and if you do, no matter the outcome, I will try to keep blogging again and catch you up on what God's been doing round here.

How We Heal

In the hours of quiet
When the darkness settles over
and I am covered with my sorrow
and thinking of my little girl

I feel the warmth of arms unseen
wrapped and holding all of me

In this embrace I do not struggle
I do not try to get set free
I lay my head upon strong shoulders
and let His healing wash over me

Though there is pain all around us
and struggles will accompany
I know that I have found my Saviour
with His great mercy, rescues me

I will cry out in bitter mourning
I will scream out at the sharp edge of pain
I will have times of unconsolable weeping
But all of this will be for gain

Remember me not as bitter and hopeless
Not with tears streaming down my face
Remember me as a Warrior for Jesus
For in His love, I found my place

Carry not with you my pain and grief
not like a sadness or bag of weights
but take lifes' trials with a heart of embracing
Until we meet our eternal fate!

We cry out for healing,
we look for the cures
but much of the healing will not come
for sure
Not here on earth but later on
when we reach the Light, the eternal Dawn

Don't push me to say that I'm over this
That I should pretend pain does not exist
I've seen it and felt it and know how it's real
and all of this is part of How We Heal.

God is Faithful

Often times I write in my blog, because the pain I feel is desperate and it comes when I am alone and the house is quiet and still. It comes when I cannot sleep and I need to cry out.
It comes when I have settled down from the tasks of the day that keep me occupied and I am able to clear my mind of mundane things. Then the whole of my daughters death seeps in. Pieces of her are around me all the time and I see her in other little girls, in the pictures we keep of her and in the small things that happen here without her. When I look at my children together eating dinner as I stand in the kitchen, it always strikes me "there should be four". I say this because...

I know some of what I write in this blog is dark and depressing and could even be viewed as hopeless. I am not hopeless, but hopeful. I am hopeful of the eternity ahead with all those I love. I am hopeful that while I am here on earth I will make a difference for Christ.

I have really good days. I have days when I smile all day and laugh and play and work hard and I forget that deep down I am sad. I don't think I will ever not be sad. It just takes different forms from day to day. You just don't get over the sadness that comes from giving a child back to Heaven. You just don't. Sadness will always be a part of who I am now but it won't be all that I am.

I read a great quote today in the book, Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. Mary Beth is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman and they lost their daughter Maria in May of 2008, just a few months before we lost Gretta. The quote hit home for me and it by one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." ~ C.S. Lewis

That about sums it up.

Lesley

Cold and Dead

Gretta, I drove past the graveyard today, I stopped.
Begrudgingly, slowly, heavily I walked up to the cold, still bed that holds you. The ground.
Your headboard a stone with words chiseled into the face, a small picture of you.
There was nothing there. It was an empty, lifeless void. A nothing, a cold, grey space of your memory.
I knelt.
I touched the stone, ran my fingers along your picture and touched your cheek.
I felt nothing and left.

This visit is just like my insides now. Dead, lifeless, cold and grey. Untouchable. Unseen and decomposing.

Is there a time when we are left alone to our own pain and self pity? Does God walk away? Has He decided to tend to other things? He has seen it best to leave me cold and empty now for 2 long years. There is no movement and I can't decide if it's my fault or not. I have no strength to lift myself out of this pit of unquenchable sadness and anger and lifelessness. Will He come and lift me out? Why does this have to part of my story and how long will it take???

I go to school now. I have decided to go back to school for my BA in Community Psychology and onto Graduate school for Corporate/Family Crisis Counseling and Intervention. I am doing well in school and have found a renewed passion for standing against the agendas of Satan on a secular college campus. At school I can be "on fire" for God, bold in my speeches against the popular agendas, but my drive home....my time at home....I am just this empty dead person.

I haven't picked up my Bible in weeks, I pray, but for other people or my kids, I work on Sundays, I am not in any spiritually feeding women's or co-ed groups. I can give, but I cannot recieve.

Can someone explain why this is happening to me? How long this will last? If I can change this? Or is God just leaving me to my own demise for a time?

The thing is, in the back of my mind, I just know that even though Gretta is gone, that is just part of my story. I just don't know what to expect anymore.

So this is drawing that was left on our doorstep during the weekend of September 4th, Gretta's "Going Home Day". We still aren't sure who did it or left it on our doorstep, so if anyone knows, please let us know as we really would love to say "thank you" to this person.

We were just amazed at the quality of this pencil drawing, it is like Gretta is alive in the picture, it is that real. The Butterfly that was added into the picture looks like it just barely landed on her hat and is about to take flight again.

What an amazing gift.

The card attached reads:

"Matt and Lesley,

It's true that masterpieces do come in small packages.

I hope this small gift helps you to remember that!

Love and Blessings

From the bottom of our grieving hearts, we thank you, whoever you are!

Prelude to 2 Years

Matt and I were on our way to college early this morning. We spent some time talking about the two year mark of Gretta's death coming on the 4th of September. We reminisced about the last two years, how difficult they have been and if the things people told us would happen were true to us or not.

One of the things people said in the beginning was that the second year was worse. At the time, that didn't seem possible. Nothing could be worse than the raw wholistic pain of death and it's finality, right? Well, we agreed that nothing really was worse than that. But the second year is more difficult in some ways. Matt mentioned that he doesn't want to "do something" on the death anniversary because he would rather not "celebrate" or mark that day especially. I thought that made sense but expressed that I feared she would just dissappear without anything tangible to remember her by and that people would just forget her.

We went to class.

After my first class, which got out early today, I walked outside to see Matt on his phone waiting on me. He immediately handed me the phone and it was our dear friend Eric. He and his wife Christina had just their third child early this morning. They didn't know if it would be a boy or girl, but Christina was pretty sure it was going to be a boy. They have a little girl named Selah, who is a bit younger than Gretta would be now and a little guy named, Ian. Well, it turns out they had another little girl today and they were calling to let us know that all was well and to also ask us a question. "Our other two kids have two middle names", Eric began, "and we were wondering if we could name this little girl after Gretta. Her name would be Mattea (pronounced Matt-ay-ah) Gretta-Claire, after Gretta." (Our Gretta's middle name was Claire.)

There I was wondering if Gretta would have something tangible to be remembered by and not two hours later, God answered in a big way for us. Matt and I were speechless really. We thanked them and shared our love with them and hung up the phone.

All day today I have been smiling and tearing up and praising God for friends so sweet and dear. Friends who would remember our daughter and just two days before the two-year marked day of her death, God brought a life, so small and sweet into Eric and Christina's family and into ours. I am amazed, once again at the love that others have and continue to show for us. I am amazed once again at how God listens in to our whole life and knows our thoughts and words and longings and delivers BEYOND what we can imagine.

Yes, it's just a name, but to us, it rings sweet and beautiful and it lives on!

Thank you Lord! Thank you from deep in our hearts, Eric and Christina Villenue and may God richly bless your family and our new little addition, Mattea Gretta-Claire Villenue.

In the Knowing

Before she knew she was a traveler, the Compass was guiding her steps
Our Compass greater than the North and South,
Farther than the East or West
Had predestined her tiny feet to walk upon the temporary ground below them.

And as I watch the moon come out, or see the dawn again I wonder
If I had held you one more day, or looked upon the sweetness of your face just one more hour,
a little more I would have begged your Guide.
If all the sorrow that was swallowed, instead had spilled around me
Bright and beautiful flowers would have grown up from the tears and butterflies would have danced around them. And since I do not know for sure, I imagine that in Heaven all my tears made gardens grow and butterflies dance around you there.

If not that day, perhaps tomorrow, or years away or never
I could have known so much more of you. So much you might have said to me that my ears were waiting to hear. So much you might have taught me, that I will never know while I am here without you. Only the prelude to your lifesong was revealed to us, the rest is yet to come and I long to hear your story set to music. I imagine myself sitting in your gardens listening to you sing it while you twirl among the flowers and dance and laugh.

If time has spent itself so quickly since you went home and we lost you here,
Imagine how much faster it went in the having, holding and knowing you, precious girl.

I can accept that God designs, He plans, He wills, He knows
You were His little girl before you were mine
You are His still.

I would have never given you up, had He a mind to ask
You would have never stayed, I know, if it was your choice to make. Maybe it was you He asked?

The ground beneath my own traveling feet, grew cold the day you left.
I know it will not warm again until I reach our home and join you there.

When I see you once again, sweet baby, Gretta Claire
Then I will know the reasons all, the tears will stop, the burden lift
Until then I watch the time go by, how much more in the knowing.

The 5 a.m. Slap in the Face

I woke up this morning around 5 a.m. having a splitting headache. I tossed and turned a little trying to get back to sleep. No dice. When I wake up this early I am reminded always of my mom who says, "If God wakes me up that early, He's trying to tell me something!" So I listened.

"Read My Word." He said.
"Right now?" I replied, "It's 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm not even a morning person, whatever I read right now, probably won't sink in anyway." I argued.
"Read My Word." He said.
"Well, what would I even read?" I delayed.
"Romans." was the soft reply.
"I mean if You have something to say to me, can't you just say it while I'm lying here in my bed." My head throbbed, I couldn't get comfortable, couldn't go back to sleep.
"Get up! Read My Word." He ordered again.
"Okay, fine. I'm up. I'm going. See me, getting up..."

It is on the rare occasion that something like what happened next, happens for me. Even at this moment I can't recall this happening to me in particular, but it probably has once or twice before.
I go looking for my Bible. Any Bible will do I figure, at this point. I find my Bible and underneath it is a Student Study Bible. Mine is in a zipped cover carrier, which seems complicated at this hour, so I grab the Student Bible and it falls open. Before I have time to think about it, I look down to read the area in blue (the commentary highlight). It jumps out at me. "Quarrels with God!" It announces! "Quarreling with your Maker goes far beyond the spirited dialogue that Moses, Job and Jeremiah engaged in. Isaiah is describing an insolent assault on God's competence. Not only is it wrong, it is ridiculous-as ridiculous as a pot complaining about the shape the potter gives it." I am in Isaiah but the highlight sites Romans 9:20 hmmmm.....

I stand there, as I haven't even sat down yet, eyes wide open, "Really? No, seriously, really?"
I find the couch where I decide to turn to Romans, hoping this isn't one of those daily 'through the Bible' study things where I will have to go digging around for Romans because it's not where it should be. It's not. (Sigh of relief.)

Romans 9:20-23a "But who indeed are you, a human being, to argue with God? Will what is molded say to the one who molds it, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump an object for special use and another for ordinary use? What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience the objects of wrath that are made for destruction; and what if he has done so in order to make known the riches of his glory for the objects of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory-"

Wow! I mean, wow! Now this is nothing I haven't heard before, of course. But God's timing is always perfect, isn't it? In His mercy, He has allowed my anger to go unmentioned, until now. All of a sudden, He wakes me up and says, "Okay, I've had enough of your anger Lesley. I have been patient with you, and now I am showing you that I am HOLY, I am the POTTER, you don't get to pick, I CHOSE your path, so enough already." (paraphrased)...

By this time now it's 6:30 a.m. and Matt has to go to school in 1/2 hour, so I make him breakfast and a lunch to take along. After seeing him off to school, I ponder my morning slap in the face and decide, I should probably write about this one on my blog. After all Romans 9:23 says, ..."to make known the riches of HIS glory for the objects of mercy, which He has prepared beforehand..." I am an object of His mercy. Knowing this is a gift.

What's that saying? "His mercy is new every morning?" Something like that.

I have to end as honestly as I started however. I have hope that this is the beginning of a turning point for me in my grief, that some change will come with it. Being intimately involved with grief as I have been for almost 2 years now, I admit, I have doubts as well. I have had revelations before in this process. I have had moments of complete clarity and spiritual enlightenment. But the grief remains, it still disables me, overwhelms me, engulfs me, drowns me even. When you are grieving, there is nothing more that you want than to NOT be grieving. It is hard, exhausting, irritating, sometimes hopeless and always trying. I guess I say this because there is always that fear that you have made progress and once you admit that, people will expect you to be moved on, over it, past the hard part, that kind of thing.

This, today, is at least a notch in the road of grief, the process of it all, moving....somewhere. God is good. He is faithful, He is timely, He is Sovereign, He is mighty, He is merciful. I know this. I have no doubts of Him.

When She was Four

I never intended for this blog to be about grief. It was more about 'The Big Picture' as it's entitled. As I see it....that is. But that's not how it's turned out. I certainly would never have imagined it being about my own grief, about losing my little girl. No one predicts these things.

As June 6th rolled around, Gretta's supposed to be 4th birthday, I experienced the usual milestone anxieties, depression and coping skills. Like always, I wanted to just crawl into bed for the day or week. Better yet, just not get out of bed at all. As usual, life expects otherwise and you get up and go on. Funny what they say, life goes on....even when you don't want it to.

Gretta's Butterfly Garden has been a huge part of the peace I get on a daily basis. I just decided I need to integrate some evergreen and winter pieces so that the garden doesn't just die off at the end of summer. It seems wrong, somehow to let it die away if it's a living memorial for her. Any ideas for shrubs or plants are welcome. I walk out to the garden at least once a day, rain or shine. Sometimes I just sit on the bench, other times I weed...lately I've been adding plants to it.

The fact that Gretta could have been 4, could have been here with us, could have been talking and becoming her own little person, part of our family, cuts deep. There are moments when I almost see her shadow, her little ghost playing along side the rest of the kids. It seems unreal still, even now.

I have set my mind on things above, not on things on the earth. I await Heaven almost desperately, planning my reunion, but never knowing enough to solidify it. There are days when I do not seek out God because I find Him elusive and redundant. This is a lie of course, but nevertheless, He is evaded in my personal life. Other days, I seek Him alone, solace, peace and comfort that comes only by knowing Him personally. I have found in Him an unfailing friend. One who stands by as I flounder, One who answers when I call, One who is a rock when I am a storm. He plans, I don't. He knows, I question. He comforts, I falter. He accepts me when I am unacceptable.

I still, two years after her death, waiver steadily from sadness to peace. I still weep uncontrollably. I still wish for death and am even jealous of those I know are facing it. I still have days where I can do almost nothing, I still feel like a failure in mothering my remaining children. I still am.

But it is better than it was before. It hurt to breathe a year ago, it hurt to open my eyes, to think, to feel. That intense physical pain is gone most of the time. It returns unexpectedly and in waves. Life goes on.

I still wish and probably always will that instead of all of this, I was talking about all the things she did, does or is doing, when she was four.

A Whopper

I feel wonderful,
light as a feather
strong as a mountain
free as an eagle

I feel joyous
hopeful
expectant
ambitious
energetic
healthy
steady

I feel

that everything

I wrote

is a whopper

of
a
lie.

Flashback

Saw a picture of Gretta the other day, with all of her siblings and friends on the 4th of July, 2008, two months exactly before her death.

It stunned me. I couldn't believe there she was in the picture. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Gretta! I forgot about her being there!"

That did it for me. There was 8 children in the picture, all of them looking at something else, except Gretta. She was smiling at the camera. Big smile, right in the middle of all those other kids, tucked in, little girl, safe, warm, loved. Gone.

Little Gretta.

Another World

As we go, as we move, as we make, as we dwell, as we did, as we decide, as we make it, as we wake, as we struggle, as we laugh, as we cry, as we can, as we will, as we are....

Are we really living? Are we here? Are we making a difference? Is there a difference to make? Is it possible that all the things that we do everyday, the list of things that we "have to" get done, the things on our list of 'Things that matter to me', don't really matter at all? The mundane, the everyday, the in and out, the here and there.....is it accomplishing anything?

Is it a coincidence that so many people struggle? That there is so much pain? That there is so much wrong in this world? Is it really just the way the world has become? Did it really not "used to be" this way? Or is this the Way it is supposed to be....? Is there a Reason that this world is not enough?

"In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

Are we taking this statement seriously?

Can we put down our pettiness, lay down our annoyances, stack our irritations in a corner somewhere and SEE the Truth.

Are we living in the REAl World???? Or are we living in the Pre-World???

If this life is not really what we are here for, then what does any of this have to do with now? I strongly encourage myself and those around me to gain some perspective....if you have not been to the bottom of yourself, then PRAY for God to take you there.....so that you too can gain a Heavenly perspective.....

"Store NOT treasure for yourself on earth, where moths and rust corrupt it and where thieves are waiting just to steal it away, but store up treasure for yourself in Heaven, where there is no moths or rust or thieves."

Eternity. It is an awesome, mind-bending thought, isn't it? Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever......
But once we are focused on it, it is the most precious, intensely longed-for, brightest happiness that we cannot fathom here in this present darkness that is life.

Sure, have some laughs, hug those you love, TELL people you love them, ACT like you love the people around you....be somebody that gives LOVE to others, even when they don't deserve it, but keep your eyes on the prize, folks, keep your eyes on GOD and the place you are going to want to spend the rest of your eternal life.....Heaven.

I know I can't wait to go, my baby is there.....but more precious, my Savior is there. Get some perspective.

Going Through

Not so interesting is this crabbiness, this constant anger boiling inside me. It's not so easy to be my friend right now, another stage when I don't even like myself.

Mostly, people just don't understand it and a big part of why they don't get it is because they have forgotten. (The other reason being they just 'don't know...') It is good to be validated by Grief Group, Grief Share videos, books, others who are grieving. The "normal" that doesn't seem so normal to anyone else, can really make you crazy. I am not suprised that people contemplate and sometimes committ suicide. It seems the easier way and I think it probably is.

Psalm 77:2c "My soul refused to be comforted"
Jeremiah 15:18a "Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable?"
Job 6:2a "Oh that my grief were thoroughly weighed"
Jonah 4:1 "But it displeased Jonah exceedingly and he was very angry"

"Grief is not rational. All the logic in the world will not allow you to escape the ache inside. It is an emotional jumble. The feelings are real: the mental and physical pain; the sense that it's all a dream and you'll wake soon; the denial; the caldron of boiling anger, the confusion; the embarrassment of one's emotions; disappointment, and frustration." {Gone But Not Lost, Grieving the Death of a Child, David W. Weirsbe, 1992}

I cannot explain where I am at right now with grief, other than to say I am in an unexplainable funk. Yes, angry, but disoriented and foggy too. I feel physical pain in my body, an ache that won't abate, I have headaches everyday without exception and to be honest, I just want to feel really good, for once. I carry the additonal burden of not being the kind of friend I want to be, mother I should be, wife I know I can be, instrument of help to others that I desire to be. I wonder how long it will be until people just give up on me entirely. There are very VERY few people in my life that have lasted this long as it is. People that ask, "How are you doing?" and ask it with the death of my daughter and the burden of sharing my grief in mind. VERY few. There is a small handful of friends that have stayed the course and I thank God for them on a regular basis and ask Him to give them endurance for me, because I need them and theirs is not an easy path to walk either. I do realize that. Their example will be my model in the future of how to walk alongside a grieving mother.

I told my sister last night on the phone something like this: Don't think there is no spiritual growth in anger, there is. It is not just in the depth of purest sorrow that we are changed, that we grow; it is in ALL the stages of grief. There is something to learn in each corner of emotion, in each day of pain.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow on you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; neither will the flame kindle on you."

going through....Lesley

I Must Have

I put two little pigtails in her hair. Right on the top of her head with the back of her hair hanging down. It was the first time I fixed it that way. She stood, like always, letting me comb and part it, tying it up with little bands, twisting and securing each side. Her big green eyes watching me, impatiently, wanting to get onto the next thing. She never said much, but she learned to say, "Ouch!" from watching her big sister, Jordi, getting her hair fixed. "Ouch!" she said, though it lacked conviction. Just a word, that she now knew, appropriately spent on the event.

Right before that, I put on cute little jeans. It was the first time she had worn them. Little hand sewn patches into the sides, tiny jeans. I still have them. She was going horseback riding that morning, for the first time. She loved to go on trips and I wondered how much she understood about where she was going. "You and Russell are going to see the horse's and Gamma and Papa!" "Papa" she said. But she meant "Grandma" she always called my mother, "Papa", we just didn't realize it right away.

Her face, those big green eyes, those trusting eyes, that hair, those little curls. Her hair was the longest any of my children's hair had grown by age 2. That's why I liked to fix it, because I could. I know I hugged her, how could I resist? I must have hugged her close before or after I dressed her and did her hair up. I must have. I know I kissed her, didn't I? I must have.

Sometimes, like now, the pain of losing her, those last moments, those last quick unpredictable, unforeseeable moments, taken for granted at the time, not knowing what would happen, not knowing, how could I have known? It just comes back so strong, so horribly hard and fast, Oh God, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. Oh God.

Second Dream

I had a dream about Gretta. It is only the second dream I have had. I wanted to write about it as soon as I could, because the thing with dreams is that you forget so quickly. I dreamt last night.

What makes this dream significant is what was revealed to me in it. Most of the dream took place in my parents house on 9Th Ave., the house I grew up in, a house that Gretta was never in. There were several incidents in the dream where Gretta was in danger, injured, or close to death. (She was bleeding to death, almost drowned twice, was climbing to the tops of various dangerous heights and ran out into traffic.) The entire dream I was just trying to keep her alive, but it was also known to me during the dream that she had already died and I had gotten her back from God for some unknown reason.

There were people from my family, (parents, sisters and their husbands, other children) and people from my home church as well.

All of this insignificant really, compared to the the point. I was unsmiling, angry at everyone, at one point everyone was going to a church event and asked if I would go. "NO! I'm NOT going!" I replied. "Why not?" my brother-n-law said, "Because I'm just NOT!"

Everywhere I did go (with Gretta holding my hand), I was unsmiling, sedated almost and angry.
I remember thinking, "Why did YOU take her and then give her back if all I am going to be doing is trying to keep her alive now?" It was then that my subconscious thought, "Why am I so angry in this dream, why aren't I happy that I have my baby back?"

A voice in my dream replied, (it could have been my own voice or God's), "You are in the anger stage of grief."

Okay, so that was the point. The interesting thing is that I had no idea I was in the angry stage. I know that it's 1. shock 2. denial 3. depression 4. anger 5. acceptance.
I had always thought I may bypass any anger stage on the sole fact that I am a Christian and that I trusted God's choice and knew Gretta's days were numbered from the beginning. I don't act angry, I don't walk around mad or sulky. I am very cheery at work and with people around me. But I AM angry. It isn't the kind of anger I previously have known. It is a deep anger, something inside me that is just there, something smaller than who I am as a person, but large enough to loom.

The upside? I know now. It is identified and by identifying it. Maybe there will be freedom? There will be freedom! Maybe not right this minute, maybe not even for awhile, but it will come. I am looking forward to #5. acceptance. Knowing I am in the anger stage reveals once again to me that we are human. We are made FULLY human, therefore FAITH will not spare us from humanity while we are here on earth. I will go through the stages of grief, they will not escape me and I will not escape them. Faith however; will keep me from getting stuck in anger and becoming a bitter, angry, wrinkly old crank. I believe that too.

I believe this dream was insightful, purposeful in that insight. A vision perhaps of my insides. Revealing, a shining light on the truth of my anger.

Rewards For Holding On

Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

How difficult it is to hold fast to the reminders and promises of Scripture on a moment by moment basis. "Count it all joy!" ??? "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." ??? Really??? Seriously???

In the past two months we have faced losing our home, my being forced to take a job outside of the home with no childcare for the kids, Matt starting school, going to the county for assistance with our needs, the dryer breaking, the heat going out on the van, the vacuum saying goodbye permanently, the computer crashing and burning, H1N1, strep throat, an unpaid heating bill and 'Final Notice', Matt's grandfather dying, and other unmentionables.

As we struggle daily with the "How's and What's and Where's and even the Whys" and don't get me started on the "What NEXT?"; I am pulled to my Bible, my knees and my only Strength, Jesus Christ.

If I am honest with you, then I must admit that in each and every moment I am not singing praise with a thankful heart. Sometimes I wonder, "Where is God in all of this?" "What kind of a plan is this?" Other times, I feel grounded, satisified with His answers or lack of them, safe.

I am examining my heart and life, searching for the sin that must be making us a target of His wrath....I am no longer exempt from His chastising love, my period of exemption for grief is over. I can feel it. The last two years has been a painful pruning of my life and it goes on still. What am I missing?

Lamentations 3:26 "It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord." (Hmmmm, not so good at this one, am I?)

Create in me a clean heart, Lord, strengthen me with perseverance, patience and a positive disposition. Strengthen my faith, show me again Your unfailing love, let my hope not waiver. Whatever this is for Lord, let me be committed to following You and trusting in Your ways, not mine. Deliver us Lord from our afflictions, put us up high on a rock, while You do the work, let us be Faithful to Your Name. Amen

C.S. Lewis

I am reading C.S. Lewis', A Grief Observed. It is his personal journal of grief after losing his wife and only love. In this journal he rails at God and questions God's existence among other things. Considering his impact on writers and readers across the world for the case of Christ, it was a little surprising to me. A little.

It is interesting to me and comforting as well that a man of such deep faith and conviction himself, found a deep chasm of unanswerable in grief. It is so. As we embrace our human response to death, (because we have no other choice, we are in fact, human) we also must embrace the totality of what it brings to us. Questions that never find answers, a deep sadness that never goes away but is simply masked by life's happenings and day to day living, a complete change in who you are whether you wanted it or not, a shaky belief in everything that was solid before, a loss of innocence (you no longer can believe "things will work themselves out" or "everything will be fine"), new awareness of death and mortality, the list goes on.

On the up side, if you will, an unshakable compassion, resolve, bent will, head -bowed submission, the ability to overlook: the stupid, insignificant, trivial, minor infractions, misconceptions, misplaced rudeness and life's general annoyances; the "bottom line" knowledge that I AM NOT IN CONTROL and a host of other things to many to mention.

I have not lost my faith, in fact, my faith has been cemented, but only by God's sweet grace. I have questioned God and He has responded, but not in full. He has heard my cries, looked in my face, held my crumbled world in His mighty hands, but still He will not be moved by me, only I by Him.

I have shaken my fists, I have clenched my teeth and I have dug in my heels and that's okay, but I have found that God is stronger, more powerful, more true, steadfast and unmoving. He is bigger than I am and we all have been on the playground before and know with certainty that if someone is bigger than you, well then, that's all that really matters when you're backed into a corner, isn't it?

There is none like HIM, you see. None. While we continue to argue on His existence or relevance or power or goodness or even the absence of goodness, He IS. Who can understand the mind of God? Nobody, that's who. Nobody.

When Is Enough Really Enough?

Based on what I've been reading in Scripture, our trials are not promised to end when we have had enough. Quite the contrary really. When we have personally reached the 'point of no return' it becomes the ideal time and most common time, that God's true Spirit is revealed and the Power of God released on us. Which probably means, our trial has only just begun.

All that Matthew and I have gone through in this last year has centered around the loss of and secondary losses of Gretta. In the first months, we were in literal physical and emotional shock. This is part of the protection God has given us. I have talked about the journey much so I won't go into all of it, but suffice it to say, that at each stage in the first months to a year, there is a created path by God that we journey. It is when the shock wears away and the visitors leave and the extra padding of all else is gone, that God begins His work on us more visibly.

Right now, Matt and I struggle financially and although I think I have not spoken much of this, I will now. Matthew started a business one month before Gretta died. I have watched Matt struggle with his grief at a deep level and even now he is so deeply grieving, there is nothing I can do for him. We have been close to not making our mortgage payments almost every month since her death. Still, God has provided and in some cases, much like today, in miraculous ways.

This month, as you can imagine and probably even identify with, has been an especially difficult month for us. We grieve a little more this month, at least I am, and the job situation just gets worse. I have taken a part time job, that at this point is adding expense instead of income. We contemplate selling our house, before we "lose" it. But what then? I continually ask God, "Lord, whatever it is you want me to do, I WILL do it!" I will take whatever job You provide, I will let Matt stay home with the kids and I will work instead! I will move in with our parents if that's what Your will is, I will do what You ask, Lord, but WHAT are YOU asking?" Still, I have no answers.

My husband is so stricken, almost to the point of giving up, he is leaving the decisions to me. I don't want any of this. I am trusting in the promise, "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength..." but I have to be honest here, I am frustrated and wondering.

People say, "You've been through enough, God's not going to let this happen too!" And I am saying, according to the Scriptures, He just might! We don't know His plan for us, the story He is making with our lives, it's HIS story. Maybe this is going to be part of it too? I don't know.

But today, a little blessing, a small miracle and unexpected. I was thinking, okay do I have any "rich friends" I can call in a favor to? I mean maybe I should be better at networking, ha? So I went int to take my shower, praying out loud the whole time, asking, listening, letting God know, "I am willing, just show me what to do" and I thought, "Hey! God, YOU are the richest person I know! You own it all, surely You can send us some money, something!"

So I finish up my prayer and my shower, go to pickup Jordi, (our daughter) and pick up the mail on our way back home. I open a letter with no return address, looks like it's a Christmas card! Inside are two, one hundred dollar bills and a simple greeting, "Our family continues to think of yours". No signature.

I just have to say, whatever happens, NO BODY could convince me that there is NO God. I mean coincidence? I think not. So to the mystery family out there, you were our little miracle today, thanks for allowing God to use you in this way for us.