Prelude to 2 Years

Matt and I were on our way to college early this morning. We spent some time talking about the two year mark of Gretta's death coming on the 4th of September. We reminisced about the last two years, how difficult they have been and if the things people told us would happen were true to us or not.

One of the things people said in the beginning was that the second year was worse. At the time, that didn't seem possible. Nothing could be worse than the raw wholistic pain of death and it's finality, right? Well, we agreed that nothing really was worse than that. But the second year is more difficult in some ways. Matt mentioned that he doesn't want to "do something" on the death anniversary because he would rather not "celebrate" or mark that day especially. I thought that made sense but expressed that I feared she would just dissappear without anything tangible to remember her by and that people would just forget her.

We went to class.

After my first class, which got out early today, I walked outside to see Matt on his phone waiting on me. He immediately handed me the phone and it was our dear friend Eric. He and his wife Christina had just their third child early this morning. They didn't know if it would be a boy or girl, but Christina was pretty sure it was going to be a boy. They have a little girl named Selah, who is a bit younger than Gretta would be now and a little guy named, Ian. Well, it turns out they had another little girl today and they were calling to let us know that all was well and to also ask us a question. "Our other two kids have two middle names", Eric began, "and we were wondering if we could name this little girl after Gretta. Her name would be Mattea (pronounced Matt-ay-ah) Gretta-Claire, after Gretta." (Our Gretta's middle name was Claire.)

There I was wondering if Gretta would have something tangible to be remembered by and not two hours later, God answered in a big way for us. Matt and I were speechless really. We thanked them and shared our love with them and hung up the phone.

All day today I have been smiling and tearing up and praising God for friends so sweet and dear. Friends who would remember our daughter and just two days before the two-year marked day of her death, God brought a life, so small and sweet into Eric and Christina's family and into ours. I am amazed, once again at the love that others have and continue to show for us. I am amazed once again at how God listens in to our whole life and knows our thoughts and words and longings and delivers BEYOND what we can imagine.

Yes, it's just a name, but to us, it rings sweet and beautiful and it lives on!

Thank you Lord! Thank you from deep in our hearts, Eric and Christina Villenue and may God richly bless your family and our new little addition, Mattea Gretta-Claire Villenue.

In the Knowing

Before she knew she was a traveler, the Compass was guiding her steps
Our Compass greater than the North and South,
Farther than the East or West
Had predestined her tiny feet to walk upon the temporary ground below them.

And as I watch the moon come out, or see the dawn again I wonder
If I had held you one more day, or looked upon the sweetness of your face just one more hour,
a little more I would have begged your Guide.
If all the sorrow that was swallowed, instead had spilled around me
Bright and beautiful flowers would have grown up from the tears and butterflies would have danced around them. And since I do not know for sure, I imagine that in Heaven all my tears made gardens grow and butterflies dance around you there.

If not that day, perhaps tomorrow, or years away or never
I could have known so much more of you. So much you might have said to me that my ears were waiting to hear. So much you might have taught me, that I will never know while I am here without you. Only the prelude to your lifesong was revealed to us, the rest is yet to come and I long to hear your story set to music. I imagine myself sitting in your gardens listening to you sing it while you twirl among the flowers and dance and laugh.

If time has spent itself so quickly since you went home and we lost you here,
Imagine how much faster it went in the having, holding and knowing you, precious girl.

I can accept that God designs, He plans, He wills, He knows
You were His little girl before you were mine
You are His still.

I would have never given you up, had He a mind to ask
You would have never stayed, I know, if it was your choice to make. Maybe it was you He asked?

The ground beneath my own traveling feet, grew cold the day you left.
I know it will not warm again until I reach our home and join you there.

When I see you once again, sweet baby, Gretta Claire
Then I will know the reasons all, the tears will stop, the burden lift
Until then I watch the time go by, how much more in the knowing.

The 5 a.m. Slap in the Face

I woke up this morning around 5 a.m. having a splitting headache. I tossed and turned a little trying to get back to sleep. No dice. When I wake up this early I am reminded always of my mom who says, "If God wakes me up that early, He's trying to tell me something!" So I listened.

"Read My Word." He said.
"Right now?" I replied, "It's 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm not even a morning person, whatever I read right now, probably won't sink in anyway." I argued.
"Read My Word." He said.
"Well, what would I even read?" I delayed.
"Romans." was the soft reply.
"I mean if You have something to say to me, can't you just say it while I'm lying here in my bed." My head throbbed, I couldn't get comfortable, couldn't go back to sleep.
"Get up! Read My Word." He ordered again.
"Okay, fine. I'm up. I'm going. See me, getting up..."

It is on the rare occasion that something like what happened next, happens for me. Even at this moment I can't recall this happening to me in particular, but it probably has once or twice before.
I go looking for my Bible. Any Bible will do I figure, at this point. I find my Bible and underneath it is a Student Study Bible. Mine is in a zipped cover carrier, which seems complicated at this hour, so I grab the Student Bible and it falls open. Before I have time to think about it, I look down to read the area in blue (the commentary highlight). It jumps out at me. "Quarrels with God!" It announces! "Quarreling with your Maker goes far beyond the spirited dialogue that Moses, Job and Jeremiah engaged in. Isaiah is describing an insolent assault on God's competence. Not only is it wrong, it is ridiculous-as ridiculous as a pot complaining about the shape the potter gives it." I am in Isaiah but the highlight sites Romans 9:20 hmmmm.....

I stand there, as I haven't even sat down yet, eyes wide open, "Really? No, seriously, really?"
I find the couch where I decide to turn to Romans, hoping this isn't one of those daily 'through the Bible' study things where I will have to go digging around for Romans because it's not where it should be. It's not. (Sigh of relief.)

Romans 9:20-23a "But who indeed are you, a human being, to argue with God? Will what is molded say to the one who molds it, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump an object for special use and another for ordinary use? What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience the objects of wrath that are made for destruction; and what if he has done so in order to make known the riches of his glory for the objects of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory-"

Wow! I mean, wow! Now this is nothing I haven't heard before, of course. But God's timing is always perfect, isn't it? In His mercy, He has allowed my anger to go unmentioned, until now. All of a sudden, He wakes me up and says, "Okay, I've had enough of your anger Lesley. I have been patient with you, and now I am showing you that I am HOLY, I am the POTTER, you don't get to pick, I CHOSE your path, so enough already." (paraphrased)...

By this time now it's 6:30 a.m. and Matt has to go to school in 1/2 hour, so I make him breakfast and a lunch to take along. After seeing him off to school, I ponder my morning slap in the face and decide, I should probably write about this one on my blog. After all Romans 9:23 says, ..."to make known the riches of HIS glory for the objects of mercy, which He has prepared beforehand..." I am an object of His mercy. Knowing this is a gift.

What's that saying? "His mercy is new every morning?" Something like that.

I have to end as honestly as I started however. I have hope that this is the beginning of a turning point for me in my grief, that some change will come with it. Being intimately involved with grief as I have been for almost 2 years now, I admit, I have doubts as well. I have had revelations before in this process. I have had moments of complete clarity and spiritual enlightenment. But the grief remains, it still disables me, overwhelms me, engulfs me, drowns me even. When you are grieving, there is nothing more that you want than to NOT be grieving. It is hard, exhausting, irritating, sometimes hopeless and always trying. I guess I say this because there is always that fear that you have made progress and once you admit that, people will expect you to be moved on, over it, past the hard part, that kind of thing.

This, today, is at least a notch in the road of grief, the process of it all, moving....somewhere. God is good. He is faithful, He is timely, He is Sovereign, He is mighty, He is merciful. I know this. I have no doubts of Him.

When She was Four

I never intended for this blog to be about grief. It was more about 'The Big Picture' as it's entitled. As I see it....that is. But that's not how it's turned out. I certainly would never have imagined it being about my own grief, about losing my little girl. No one predicts these things.

As June 6th rolled around, Gretta's supposed to be 4th birthday, I experienced the usual milestone anxieties, depression and coping skills. Like always, I wanted to just crawl into bed for the day or week. Better yet, just not get out of bed at all. As usual, life expects otherwise and you get up and go on. Funny what they say, life goes on....even when you don't want it to.

Gretta's Butterfly Garden has been a huge part of the peace I get on a daily basis. I just decided I need to integrate some evergreen and winter pieces so that the garden doesn't just die off at the end of summer. It seems wrong, somehow to let it die away if it's a living memorial for her. Any ideas for shrubs or plants are welcome. I walk out to the garden at least once a day, rain or shine. Sometimes I just sit on the bench, other times I weed...lately I've been adding plants to it.

The fact that Gretta could have been 4, could have been here with us, could have been talking and becoming her own little person, part of our family, cuts deep. There are moments when I almost see her shadow, her little ghost playing along side the rest of the kids. It seems unreal still, even now.

I have set my mind on things above, not on things on the earth. I await Heaven almost desperately, planning my reunion, but never knowing enough to solidify it. There are days when I do not seek out God because I find Him elusive and redundant. This is a lie of course, but nevertheless, He is evaded in my personal life. Other days, I seek Him alone, solace, peace and comfort that comes only by knowing Him personally. I have found in Him an unfailing friend. One who stands by as I flounder, One who answers when I call, One who is a rock when I am a storm. He plans, I don't. He knows, I question. He comforts, I falter. He accepts me when I am unacceptable.

I still, two years after her death, waiver steadily from sadness to peace. I still weep uncontrollably. I still wish for death and am even jealous of those I know are facing it. I still have days where I can do almost nothing, I still feel like a failure in mothering my remaining children. I still am.

But it is better than it was before. It hurt to breathe a year ago, it hurt to open my eyes, to think, to feel. That intense physical pain is gone most of the time. It returns unexpectedly and in waves. Life goes on.

I still wish and probably always will that instead of all of this, I was talking about all the things she did, does or is doing, when she was four.

A Whopper

I feel wonderful,
light as a feather
strong as a mountain
free as an eagle

I feel joyous
hopeful
expectant
ambitious
energetic
healthy
steady

I feel

that everything

I wrote

is a whopper

of
a
lie.

Flashback

Saw a picture of Gretta the other day, with all of her siblings and friends on the 4th of July, 2008, two months exactly before her death.

It stunned me. I couldn't believe there she was in the picture. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Gretta! I forgot about her being there!"

That did it for me. There was 8 children in the picture, all of them looking at something else, except Gretta. She was smiling at the camera. Big smile, right in the middle of all those other kids, tucked in, little girl, safe, warm, loved. Gone.

Little Gretta.

Another World

As we go, as we move, as we make, as we dwell, as we did, as we decide, as we make it, as we wake, as we struggle, as we laugh, as we cry, as we can, as we will, as we are....

Are we really living? Are we here? Are we making a difference? Is there a difference to make? Is it possible that all the things that we do everyday, the list of things that we "have to" get done, the things on our list of 'Things that matter to me', don't really matter at all? The mundane, the everyday, the in and out, the here and there.....is it accomplishing anything?

Is it a coincidence that so many people struggle? That there is so much pain? That there is so much wrong in this world? Is it really just the way the world has become? Did it really not "used to be" this way? Or is this the Way it is supposed to be....? Is there a Reason that this world is not enough?

"In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

Are we taking this statement seriously?

Can we put down our pettiness, lay down our annoyances, stack our irritations in a corner somewhere and SEE the Truth.

Are we living in the REAl World???? Or are we living in the Pre-World???

If this life is not really what we are here for, then what does any of this have to do with now? I strongly encourage myself and those around me to gain some perspective....if you have not been to the bottom of yourself, then PRAY for God to take you there.....so that you too can gain a Heavenly perspective.....

"Store NOT treasure for yourself on earth, where moths and rust corrupt it and where thieves are waiting just to steal it away, but store up treasure for yourself in Heaven, where there is no moths or rust or thieves."

Eternity. It is an awesome, mind-bending thought, isn't it? Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever......
But once we are focused on it, it is the most precious, intensely longed-for, brightest happiness that we cannot fathom here in this present darkness that is life.

Sure, have some laughs, hug those you love, TELL people you love them, ACT like you love the people around you....be somebody that gives LOVE to others, even when they don't deserve it, but keep your eyes on the prize, folks, keep your eyes on GOD and the place you are going to want to spend the rest of your eternal life.....Heaven.

I know I can't wait to go, my baby is there.....but more precious, my Savior is there. Get some perspective.