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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Crashing After The Shock

Okay, so this must be the crash time. I feel I am out of shock and onto total and complete meltdown. I know the promises of God's words. They are a comfort and I know the only way I will get through this. But I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS!!!

I have had 4-6 panic attacks, (not that I knew what one was, but found out shortly after I was about to go to ER thinking I was having a heart attack). I went away for a weekend and despite the great company and much support, I felt like I was going a little crazy. I didn't want to leave home and I didn't want to go back home either, knowing Gretta would not be home.

I feel completely worthless as a housekeeper, cook, launderer, wife and mother. No energy to speak of, just a lot of crying and tearing up most days. I want to say something encouraging, but I really don't have anything to say.

My doctor finally gave me something to sleep. But what about the days??? I mean I realize this is part of grief, but I would like to just disappear for however long and hide out. Pretend I am not me anymore and this hasn't happened.
I am usually a strong person and strong is the last thing that I am right now. I don't know what to do for my husband who is also struggling just to make it work and he doesn't know what to do for me.

My friend stopped over today and cleaned up my house and made dinner and left. I wasn't even home to thank her, but she is so selfless. She is an amazing woman, often overlooked because she is not a huge people person, but one of my closest friends.
My sister helped me clean out Gretta's furniture today, that's what she likes to do, "tackle things". I usually do too. But I just moved one article around and around and cried and cried. All the things Gretta was going to wear, the potty chair she was so excited about sitting on, the rocking horse she "galloped" away on with a huge smile on her face, her baby rocking chair she would sit in and sing, "rock, rock, rock rock", her snowsuit all pink and fluffy, I could just picture her finally able to forge the snowy ground in her little boots and hat, playing with the big kids. So much to lose, so much to grieve, so much to think about. My sweet little child.

I keep waiting to wake up feeling better. It hasn't happened yet. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone, talk to anyone, because what can I say...."Here I am, I am a mess, my house is a mess, my life is a mess". I feel like we are going to lose everything on top of losing our daughter and to me, it just doesn't seem fair. Every week we fall further and further behind on everything.

Everynight, I crash again, like a constant crashing, the only hope is that I can crash into a loving God who knows how I feel and comforts me. It is something after all to know that HE will NEVER fail me, even when I feel like I am failing all around.