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to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Monday, December 29, 2008


I don't know what it was about Christmas, but it was pretty tough. Matt and I started out the Christmas Eve day crying, both in different areas of the house, not aware of each other. When we finally came together about 2 hours later, we just held each other and cried some more.

My family came over Christmas Eve Day into the evening. We did the usual things: hor devoures, games, presents, the kids sang, etc. At dinner my father prayed as Matt just couldn't do much of anything that day. My dad is from that generation of "stuff your feelings, pretend it didn't happen, just quite thinking about it and it will go away!" I told him earlier in the day we were going to talk about Gretta if we wanted to and that was that. So at dinner time he prayed. At the end of the prayer his voice cracked up a little and he said, "....and Lord we hope, no, we KNOW that Gretta is with you in Heaven and looking down on us today with joy at Christmas." Of course the tears came again then.
Later after all the presents were open, my sister Angela gave Matt and I one more package. It was Gretta's Christmas dress from last year, sewn into a beautiful pillow. Again, the tears came for both of us.
It was just a hard day. I'm glad it's over.
Christmas morning was bittersweet. The kids had fun opening their presents and seemed oblivious to Matt and my meloncholy. I took pictures of the kids in their Christmas pj's by the tree and it just looked like there was a vacant spot next to Russell. She should have been there in her comfy jammies, excited about her presents, eating a candy cane, running around. But she wasn't. She just wasn't here.
People say there is a "space in our hearts" for the lost loved ones, that they are always with us in that space. I don't know how it works for those people, but for me it was just an empty space, she wasn't there. I can't remember her laugh or cry, how her skin felt or most of her expressions. Maybe it will take some time, I can only hope.


A day in the Life... said...

I am glad that Christmas is over for you...

not2brightGRAM said...

A catch in my breath, and a prayer on my lips for you. God give you grace for each "first" you come to this coming year.

He will yet fill your mouth with laughing, and your lips with rejoicing." Job 8:21

Anonymous said...

Hey you. There is nothing wrong with praying for those memories back. One thing that will help is video. Thank God that we live during a time that we can watch them. I think of all of those mothers who never even had a picture and count myself blessed. Her smell and her skin will come back to you. I hope you have a dream soon, my sister. Those are the best.
My space has never been filled, I just got used to it. I am not sure if I have ever met anyone whose "space" was filled in over time.
Love and hugs

michelle said...

I really can see all of your Christmas experinces physically and emotionaly, down to Russ saying grace. Please stay strong, you are such a beautiful person, this is something that should not of happened to you and your family. I pray for the Lord to keep you tight in his arms and one day all of the memories and the little things will all come back to you and I do believe you will smile. i love you so much.