Scroll down to the bottom of the page
to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I See Her in Everything

We just moved to another town about 2 1/2 hrs. away from our hometown. It's been crazy. Right after our move, we had the Memorial Butterfly Garden Party for Gretta's would-be 3rd birthday. It rained that day, which I think was good, because people didn't stay quite as long as they might have had it been sunny. That evening a few of our close friends and family stayed and helped us plant the garden in the rain. It looks beautiful and I will post pictures of it soon.

It's been tough for me and I'm sure for Matt and the kids as well. To go from having daily contact with your friends and family to virtually nothing, to say the least, has been tough. I have felt tired, irritable, fatigued, lonely, overworked and the like. That being said, it is amazing to me how many things God has planned for us here in even the smallest details. Not the least of which, I feel, is that He has taken me away from my earthly cheerleaders and helpers, so that I can ONLY rely on Him. I can't say I am shocked by this. I was expecting it. In God's great mercy and compassion, He allowed us to be comforted and held up by so many people in the last 9 months. I knew He would be taking me to a place that would be desolate from that strength through others, weaning me from the comfort of earth, so that only He could be my fortress.

I know that people think things should be getting easier when it comes to living with our loss of Gretta. But it's not. IT'S NOT. Some days I think it's infinitely harder.

Everywhere I go, I see Gretta. I see her in the two year olds at Walmart. The ones that are still HERE, walking with their moms or dads. I see her in the 3 year olds, the talking, running, laughing, active 3 year olds. She would be that. She should be that. I see her in every little girl with big eyes and a shy smile. I see her in my son, Russell, when he is doing something and I think for a second, I can almost see her shadow right along side of him, playing. Where it should be. I see her in the cute little clothes in all the stores, the summer dresses, the beach pails, the sunscreen, the Tinkerbell beach towels, the diapers, the pink socks, the popsicles, the cookies, (I hear her say "cooooky"), IN EVERYTHING. Sometimes, more often that I should, I find myself frozen somewhere, staring at some random little girl, so alive, and as I force myself to quit staring I wonder if the parent of that child wonders what kind of a freak I am for staring at their little girl.

I do know now that I am going to make it. But to be honest there are just as many days that I wonder how I will go through this life without her AND if she was ever even my daughter, if I dreamed it all. I mean it is so intense this empty spot, is she really gone? Was she ever really here?

I guess she was, because I see her in everything.


Marla said...

I'll be praying for you and your family. I cannot even imagine the pain you must be going through.

Heather said...

Lesley, What a beautiful post. You have a gift for painting word pictures and describing the feelings that you are experiencing. I'm praying that God will bless you with "good" days and that the sweet memories you have of your precious Gretta will bring a smile to your face. God bless you and your family as you build new memories in your new home.

loki photography said...

I've been wanting to email you for about a week now, but keep managing to let myself get distracted or I find a lame excuse not to, or I'll start but then "what do I say?" I heard your story back in September shortly after it all happened. Mike Cowan is my cousin, so from his mom to my mom to me, we heard of your awful situation, but it still felt somewhat distant, like a story you hear on the news. Then last week on the 5th "something" got me to your blog, honestly I have no clue how I got there, I was just skipping around from one link to the next, but I certainly know who got me there. Reading your story, seeing Gretta's beautiful face, it was no longer like a sad story you hear on the news, it hit home, my heart broke for you, and I really started to get a little mad at the reality that anyone should be forced to go through this. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since then, I've been spending plenty of extra time in prayer because it seems like every time I look at my daughter I'm reminded that your heart needs healing and that I need to be more thankful. I'm still not totally sure what to say, or what's my point, I guess I just want to let you know that you have been on my heart and you are most definitely in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I love you. I miss you. thats all I can say right now. Angela

crazeemommy said...

My heart breaks for you. I found your blog a few months back. I don't know how any of this could ever make any sense but I'm praying for you often. May God's arms stay wrapped around you and your family.

Jennifer said...

It's wonderful that you see that God has a plan for you and even more wonderful that you can accept hard as it may be. You have a beautiful new home that I feel God gave you to keep you working and working on fresh things. These tasks will make you feel so good as one by one they are completed. You said something in your last blog about the memorial day being a symbol of your family moving forward. NOT forgetting....but moving forward. This gave my heart peace in it's thoughts of you because it was such a big step. Even though each day comes and it feels like it's not getting any easier to be without are taking steps to climbing out of the heavy heavy sorrow and that is something to smile about. God is so good and His light shines through you everyday and in all the words you say. I am here for you...anytime....anyway....

Jody said...

She was here. And the time you had with her was precious. It is ok that you see her everywhere, you probably will for awhile. And that's normal and ok, though it hurts sometimes.

My son didn't live as long as Gretta, but I see him too- in my brand new niece's smile, in the clouds above the mountains here in AZ, in my other son, and in my husband. I see the dream of him in other babies his age and wonder what would it be like if he were here now?

What we are feeling is part of the process we have to go through to heal. Somedays it feels like a curse to me, other days I try to find the blessing in it all.

Our children were beautiful, and most importantly, gifts from God. And they ARE still beautiful, as they run down the streets of gold. Everyday brings us closer to them.

Much love and prayers,


Anonymous said...

There is no healing.You just live without them. You'll see her as long as you live. I love to see her in the faces of my other daughters. I love to miss her. I never want to not look for her. Lishen for her voice. When I have these things I smile. She is with my Lord, how happy she must be. For her it want be long befor we'll be with her. What a joy she still is for me and all that knew her. She was sunshine of love for all.