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to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Night That Is Mourning

Those first few days after

When my body was buzzing and my brain was humming

I would walk outside and stare into the night,

that was mourning

Seeing her there, in the shadow of the moon, walking to me

"Give her back!" I would cry it out loud into the night, that was mourning

Hearing her there in the rustling of the fallen leaves, her little soft footsteps coming to me

While my brain was humming still, so loudly it was and my body would buzz with the pain

Every breath that came was sharp and angled and dust and it hurt

I would go into the shower, when I was reminded and I would wrench myself into the drain until I thought I would come inside out. Late into the night, that was mourning

I would stare at the stars and expect her little face to pop out at me there, her voice singing to my desperate soul, the only consolation it wanted, babygirl all day and long into the night, that was mourning

My shaking hands brushing over the pictures of her, trying to feel her there in the cold paper, waiting to feel the flesh that I had held so sweetly for a last time, already gone. Into the night that was mourning

Days would pass by and months even, the buzzing of my body stops and the humming of my brain subsides sometimes. Into the night, that is mourning

July 29, 2009


michelle said...

You are so strong even if you think sometimes you are not. I love you. I pray for you. I think of you always. This is something that has happened and it is not fair. To me there is no explanation other then it is always in his plans

Anonymous said...

Praying for you...

Anonymous said...

I keep checking every day on you at facebook and look at what you've been up to and all the work that's going into your new house and keep checking the blog for more writings that you do so well but it must be hard pouring your soul out but maybe therapudic (wrongly spelled I know)too!! I am still here checking on you and praying along with probably millions of us now too, and just don't know what to say other than it was not your fault it was an accident and you couldn't have done anything differently than what you did. As I write this I am crying and wishing that you didn't have to go through this and wandering why does god do this and take the little ones that have no control over what happens to them. I hope that it will start getting easier for you and that you can keep busy with your other ones and hopefully that will help!! grieving with you, your friend Vicki Kemppainen(Guertin)

Anonymous said...

You have put into words feeling that have never gone away. It's been so long and just today I looked up at the sky and said hi baby girl Moma still loves and misses you so greatly. I walk, talk,laugh, work, all for the people around me, but what is real anymore. What is me. what was his plan, have I done it. Did I miss it. Don't know. Will one day. Good luck you'll learn how to just do.Know one will really know just how your heart is broken, how you'll always feel fear. You'll hide it under you smile. I pray for you. I hope you find what I can't.

crazeemommy said...

Oh Girl, I catch a glimpse of your pain when I read your posts and cry every time. I think of you often throughout my day. I'm a mom like you and can't even begin to imagine the pain you carry. It's definitely not fair. I know it's not the same but my mom had a terrible time fighting cancer last summer. I couldn't understand why she had to go through so much pain. I demanded an explanation from God. While He didn't answer my questions why, He did say that I would never have to go through the pain of life alone, He would always be there. I pray that you feel God right there with you throughout the routine of the day and far into the lonliness of the night. I'm sending prayers up for you from my home in Oklahoma. God bless you and your family.

Jay said...

Oh my darling mama, I just want to hug you right now. You are so very close to the way I feel, it's uncanny!


Jennifer said...

It's crazy that writing like this that holds such pain can also be so beautiful. You have a gift in expression....that is for sure.

Prayers and love.....

Jody said...

I am still praying for you. If I could I would be there in a New York minute to hug you.
I experienced a lot of this pain too- especially the pain in the shower; and I am still wondering when it won't be so agonizing. The one year anniversary is coming up for us on the 14th and I am terrified. I feel stuck -- I know I need to let go, but yet I feel I don't want to yet. I still yell "I want him back" too.

Anyway, much love and hugs and prayers are being sent your way. Anytime you want to unload on me, you can.

My blog is



Anonymous said...

God has given you a gift Lesley Ann and a new leaf will be turned as you use your gift with words to speak to women who are hurting, grieving, longing, for a deeper prupose in life, .. Soon ... in 1 month.. and than the floodgates will be opened and you will see Just HOW MUCH GOD is going to use you..