Scroll down to the bottom of the page
to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Thursday, July 23, 2009

This is My Life

I just wonder sometimes, especially lately, about my life now. I was reading this other mom's blog. She is funny. Seems to be pretty creative, focused on her mission as a mommy and what God has in store for her. I admit, I am a little jealous. I am not focused, on anything really at all. Many times I hear myself answering my kids like this, "Mmm hmm." "Ah hah." "Really? Wow!" I mean, I am the example of how to be boring and uninteresting.

I do not see a purpose right now in much of anything, I do not see the sunshine or the rain. It really makes no difference most days. But I will say this, I am totally and completely SICK of it. I am sick of feeling nothing, doing nothing and just overall being blah.

Still, I have no real notion of how to change any of it. I am reading the Word, saying the prayers, waking up and getting up, doing the deal, smiling and moving, but still I have this little voice prodding me, "This is your life?"

What is the point and purpose of all of this? When will this ache go away? Should I take down the pictures of Gretta from my fridge? Are they haunting me? Hurting my physiological state in some way? Maybe I could pretend this all didn't happen, that she never was? I mean is there something I should be learning here beyond the obvious: "God loves me, His love never fails, He has a bigger plan, good things have come of this, people have been changed, God will use this in lives...." BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!

Don't get me wrong, I believe all of that, I really do, but what is a mother to do when she is broke and she doesn't know how to fix herself???

This is my life.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. I just wanted to say that you are in my prayers more than you can imagine.

Jennifer said...

Well, in following this from the beginning up to today....I can already see huge progress in you thus far....even if you don't see it or feel it; you have been healing! You and your husband and children were changed forever on the day that Gretta passed and that is that. Your lives continued moving (even on days when you didn't want it to) and you were forced to become a different person..... it's just learning to love that person that is the challenge, I think. You are still you...just a different version.

Thinking of Gretta by seeing photos and things of hers you may still have around is not an obstacle in your progress.....it's a wonderful reminder of the huge blessing she was to you for for the time that God let you have her. The day you can smile when you see them....and the pain isn't as sharp in your heart....that is when you know you've gotten what you've been asking God for this whole time.....and that is peace.

A day in the Life... said...

I agree with Jennifer I have seen huge changes in you also and I know God is continuing to work his healing in you.

Anonymous said...

First I would like to say, "Jennifer, very well put! Amazing!"
Lesley, I love you, my heart breaks for you as your pain is on a completely different level than mine. I still lose it when I pick up her dirty bib that I refuse to wash, and than I wonder.. Geez whats wrong with me. But its only been 10 months, the pain is SO FRESH.. I cant wait till I can pick up that bib, or a photo, and smile. We will get through this. We dont have a choice.
Angel

LL said...

Praying, praying, praying for you! You are an amazing woman and have amazed me as I have gotten to know you. God has given you the strength to do what I'm sure you never thought possible. You are still Gretta's momma even though she is with Jesus, and I think displaying her pictures is a great way to celebrate the blessing she was in your life. I have been praying for a specific way to care for you, even though you are a few hours away now. God has really laid your family on my heart and I can't let it go :) The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine apon you and be gracious unto you.
-Leah