I have been avoiding lately. Avoiding: people, phone calls, cleaning, eating and other necessary things. Mostly though, I realize now, I have been avoiding Gretta. Her pictures, her voice, her memory, her existance really. In fact, I feel as though I don't know who she was. Did I ever have a little, sweet girl? Do I remember her? Was I her mother?
I have asked the question frequently in the last year, "Who am I?" Actually, I have probably asked that question a lot in my lifetime. I mean really, "WHO AM I???"
I don't know if avoidance is good or even okay. In part, it must be just another stage or moment of grief. I know some people already want to write me and tell me, "As long as it doesn't last too long... As long as you don't allow yourself to totally avoid everything...forever..." Right? Heres what I have to say tonight to all of you who want to tell me that and comfort me with some stern warning..."Blah blah blah!"
I'm probably not making much sense. But theres a great reason for that too. I don't have any left at the moment.
I spoke at a retreat for women a week or so ago. I led a gal to the Saving knowledge of Jesus Christ that first night, even before I spoke. It was incredible. I felt great that night. I spoke of my life and this journey of grief in the last year. It went well. At least, I have had good reports.
But that was a days ago now and though I rejoice for that eternal life that was birthed, tonight I avoid.
I feel lost tonight. It's like that with grief. You are riding the wave, not like an expert surfer or anything, but none-the-less on top of the wave and then another day you are swallowing water and hoping you're swimming up out of that wave before it drowns you.
I miss my friends. I miss my friends that would stop by if I needed them. I miss my good friend Charlie who I could call (I guess I still can) or stop by his motel to talk to him when I needed to. I miss my family. I don't like that life is going on without me in the places that I left. It's just like that though. I don't want to talk to anyone even on the phone because I know I can't see them. I miss my friend that won't hug me but who is content to just sit there and say nothing and be.
I miss that little girl too, that Gretta Claire, the one I can hardly remember tonight.
9 comments:
Oh, sweet mother. We don't know each other, but you have someone here in California who is praying for you. I don't know of anything else to do, but I hurt when I read this. You will never be the same as before the day Gretta left, but because of Jesus, you can look forward to better days.
I miss you when you don't blog. And I love you and your family.
miss you too.
It seems that with every valley that you come to during your grief process God always brings you out of it having learned so much and having gained a new perspective.
It fits a pattern that after coming off a high, such as the retreat and scrap booking that you would experience a low.
Psalm 40
1. I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Its been a rather tough week for me as well. I think of her all throughout my day.. The radio speakers speak on trial and death and Heaven.. I think of her. I miss her. I miss you too. It doesnt help being apart from you.. Life has a way of just going on,, I dont like that. dont like missing you.. ~ANGEL
You are so open, write girl write. You can put into words feeling that all of us mothers who have had a child to go home feels. You have so much to say to the young mothers who's child is gone, the old mothers who was to scared to tell anyone of the feeling they were having. Your book can save not only for the after life but the minds of so many that need to understand that what they are feeling is ok. What every Mother feels and fears. God moved you where you are for a reson. Hear him. She was and is still your child and God is still your God. I have missed you and worried. Georgia
I am crying now as I read this. Your pain is unfathomable. I don't really have words right now I just want you to know that I am saying a prayer.
Also to say that I think other mom's who have gone through the same grief you feel with losing Gretta probably have had the same thoughts of "was I really her mother"..... Those thoughts are okay.....avoiding is okay......it's all still okay. Gretta was and always will be your little baby girl. Even if the memories are a little faded with time.
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