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and pictures from her funeral

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Both Sides

It is true, as one of my friends commented...."After a high there is usually a low". I was talking to my sister and she also mentioned that those things happen to everyone and are probably time 10 for someone who is grieving. So that makes sense, it just isn't any fun.

In thinking about grief and being at a point now where I can reflect somewhat on the cycle of it and how I feel, (Because for the first year or so, you just don't "feel" anything!), I realize I am still pretty low energy, unstable in many ways, incapable of making effective decisions, wishy-washy, unattentive, generally sad, at times lethargic, overwhelmed easily, sometimes flakey and a whole slew of other undesirables.

On the other side of this coin however, is the good news in bits and pieces. I have changed for the better intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. I am more compassionate, sympathetic, merciful, graceful, loving, concerned and prayerful. I know things about God that I didn't know before and He has shown me things about myself that I didn't know before. I am more courageous, steadfast, bold in my witness, unaffected by minor infractions or injustices done to me, simple, humble, focused on Christ and my relationship with Him, single-mindedly pursuing Heaven, privvy to secrets from God Himself available to me through suffering. There is more, much more, I know. More to come, more to glean, more to prepare for. There is always more for us with God.

I tell it like it is, because I feel it is what I owe myself. The truth. It is not real if it is not the truth. However; as I mentioned to a friend today, sometimes I write in deep pain because it helps me and if I forget to write when I am okay, then I am not helping others to see it this from both sides.


not2brightGRAM said...

{{{Hugs}}} - thanks for the update! May you go from strength to strength in the power of His grace.

"To appoint to them that mourn in Zion, to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He might be glorified." -Isaiah 61:3

Jennifer said...

You are truly an amazing woman. Being able to take that step back and see your journey from the days of heavy heavy weight and pain...all the way to the the lives you have brought closer to the Lord (including my own)....... what a long way you have come.....and so much further to go.