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to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Lately, my thoughts have again been Gretta. I was just thinking that in 6 months from now, Gretta would be 4 yrs. old. That doesn't seem real to me. How is possible that she was only 2 yrs and 3 months when she died and she would be 4 in 6 more months?

I guess for me, time did come to a standstill in that respect.

We are busy with the Theatre production of the Nutcracker, our older two children are involved in now. This week and next are the performances, 12 in total. It will be hectic. Our youngest now, Russell is busy at home with me during the days. I also will start a new job tomorrow at JcPenney in Coon Rapids, about 35 miles away. In addition to the job, I lead a Grief Group on Tuesday nights in Elk River. So things are moving along, life continues, you 'do the next thing'. Wise advice given to me from a friend months ago.

Matthew still struggles with his business, mostly with the energy he needs to work at it. I don't know all that Matt goes through on a daily basis, only that he is still hurting very deeply and there is nothing else I can do for him.

We sometimes wonder how long a trial will last, with this kind of loss, I think it will be a long time.

We have noticed, of course, that into our second year of grief, there is a fallout of family and friendship support. We understand the logic behind it, it is logical for people to continue on with their lives, unaffected largely because it is not their personal loss and enough time has escaped for the shock to be gone. It makes it a lonely grief for us then, sometimes.

I was in Kohls the other day. I usually walk past the little girl clothes with great effort not to stop or look. For some reason, the Christmas dresses called out to me and I had to stop. I picked up a 3T dress, just to see how big she would be, then I perused the dresses thinking about which one I would buy her, if she was here. I really had an overwhelming desire to buy it anyway, if just to give another little 3 yr. old the dress for Christmas. I didn't do it though. The little girl I had in mind now has a little sister and I didn't know if her parents would want them to match. I ended up behind a rack crying until I could pull myself together enough to get out of the store.

This kind of melancholy, I suppose, will be a part of most of our holidays from now on.

Still there is much to be glad of, much to be thankful for and I know that too!


not2brightGRAM said...

Since you don't know me, please allow me to (possibly) speak on behalf of those you do know.

Every so often, a terrible, horrific tragedy happens to someone we know or love. Our greatest desire is to reach out and love and support them for as long as they need us.

The difficult truth is, others move on from the horrific trial sooner than the ones to whom it is sent. God tenderly allows the heavy weight of the trial to gradually be lifted from friends and family. If we were all to carry all the weights of all the trials of everyone we know, they would be too heavy for anyone except Jesus to bear.

Your grief will become more tolerable, just more slowly than your friends and family. You might consider a bereavement group to help in the healing.

Please know that your friends and family do still love and care about you -deeply. And they rejoice when they hear that your days are getting brighter!

(This comment was composed with the help of my husband, who lost his first wife in a horrific manner.)

With Love in Christ, Judi

Nicole said...

Lesley, as always my heart breaks for you. People do move on but they don't forget. I think the fear(at least for me) is not wanting to bring that pain up again if you are having a "good" day, so to speak. And really it's just that so many times I truly don't know what to say. I don't know if talking about Gretta makes it harder or easier.

I want you to know I do carry this burden with you. I think of you a lot, try to imagine how you are feeling, and cry for your loss. Whenever I hear anyone talking about a trial they are going my mind goes right to thoughts of you. Whenever I hear about the loss of a child I think of you, when I lose perspective I think of you.

I memorized a verse lately that talks about God "binding up the brokenhearted" and I continually ask that of God for you.

I can also imagine that the burden of wanting to know Matt is ok is a lot to bear and I will ask God to remind me to also pray for Matt. I hope he is able to find some other men to talk to, a connection somewhere with someone that can relate, if even in a small way.

Love you Les!


Alex Jerry; Stephanie Jerry said...

Hey Lesley. I know that I have said this same thing past fall, but the same is still true: every time I drive by your old house (which is sometimes several times a day), I think of your Gretta and your family. I think of how you'd probably like the new siding that is being put up, no doubt a dream you guys had planned on before losing her.
Going through our own trial, I think of you often and pray for you often knowing that you have suffered far greater than I have and, hopefully, more than I ever will. None of us, as mothers, can even fathom losing one of our kids even if it's staring us in the face. How you can continue to "do the next thing" amazes me on those days when I don't think I can even get out of bed.
I don't know what else to say other than that I am still praying after all this time and I know that I am not the only far! You are not alone, Lesley. We're still here!

LL said...

I want you to know that I have been reminded to continue to pray for you and your family. I have been so blessed by your support and prayers during the last few months. You are an amazing woman who has such an unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. I pray that I will be able to continue to grow in my faith through the storm as you have so graciously done. God bless you and your family! He is so faithful, even when the world feels like it is ending.

Jennifer said...


Please know that you are a daily thought and in daily prayers in my life. I agree with Nicole that sometimes I am scared to check in and see how you are doing because the thought of causing you to think of Gretta on a "good" day is almost too much. I suppose that is a very selfish thought for me to have. I am sorry for that.

Although this blog is drenched in sadness and things of that nature.....there are so many blessings written in there too.

Jordi and Mason are involved in a play that you get to be a part of as well....that means they are healing enough to move on and be involved in extra things, causing them to interact with other kids. This is something that children who loose a sibling often are not able to do especially since they are in a new setting (home and school) since the move. What a praise that is!

You are starting a new job! When so many people are not able to work these days...God led you to a place of employment. Wow, He is faithful when we are, right?

And leading a grief group is obviously not something anyone would "want" to be so connected with but you are blessing people in such a big way. It is an answer to prayer for you to be able to positively effect others by your own personal tragedy and you are doing it!

Please let me be there for you and I am so willing. Even to just come and sit.....or do some shopping...I could use someone to hang out with :-)

Anonymous said...

Not a day goes by When I dont think about Gretta, not a week goes by when I dont shed a tear for her. for you. for me (gotta be honest) .. When I put up my tree last week, I cried my eyes out after placing her ornament on the tree..I miss her. My words arent elegant sorta redneckish actually, but I carry the burden with you.. I do.