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and pictures from her funeral

Monday, December 7, 2009

When Is Enough Really Enough?

Based on what I've been reading in Scripture, our trials are not promised to end when we have had enough. Quite the contrary really. When we have personally reached the 'point of no return' it becomes the ideal time and most common time, that God's true Spirit is revealed and the Power of God released on us. Which probably means, our trial has only just begun.

All that Matthew and I have gone through in this last year has centered around the loss of and secondary losses of Gretta. In the first months, we were in literal physical and emotional shock. This is part of the protection God has given us. I have talked about the journey much so I won't go into all of it, but suffice it to say, that at each stage in the first months to a year, there is a created path by God that we journey. It is when the shock wears away and the visitors leave and the extra padding of all else is gone, that God begins His work on us more visibly.

Right now, Matt and I struggle financially and although I think I have not spoken much of this, I will now. Matthew started a business one month before Gretta died. I have watched Matt struggle with his grief at a deep level and even now he is so deeply grieving, there is nothing I can do for him. We have been close to not making our mortgage payments almost every month since her death. Still, God has provided and in some cases, much like today, in miraculous ways.

This month, as you can imagine and probably even identify with, has been an especially difficult month for us. We grieve a little more this month, at least I am, and the job situation just gets worse. I have taken a part time job, that at this point is adding expense instead of income. We contemplate selling our house, before we "lose" it. But what then? I continually ask God, "Lord, whatever it is you want me to do, I WILL do it!" I will take whatever job You provide, I will let Matt stay home with the kids and I will work instead! I will move in with our parents if that's what Your will is, I will do what You ask, Lord, but WHAT are YOU asking?" Still, I have no answers.

My husband is so stricken, almost to the point of giving up, he is leaving the decisions to me. I don't want any of this. I am trusting in the promise, "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength..." but I have to be honest here, I am frustrated and wondering.

People say, "You've been through enough, God's not going to let this happen too!" And I am saying, according to the Scriptures, He just might! We don't know His plan for us, the story He is making with our lives, it's HIS story. Maybe this is going to be part of it too? I don't know.

But today, a little blessing, a small miracle and unexpected. I was thinking, okay do I have any "rich friends" I can call in a favor to? I mean maybe I should be better at networking, ha? So I went int to take my shower, praying out loud the whole time, asking, listening, letting God know, "I am willing, just show me what to do" and I thought, "Hey! God, YOU are the richest person I know! You own it all, surely You can send us some money, something!"

So I finish up my prayer and my shower, go to pickup Jordi, (our daughter) and pick up the mail on our way back home. I open a letter with no return address, looks like it's a Christmas card! Inside are two, one hundred dollar bills and a simple greeting, "Our family continues to think of yours". No signature.

I just have to say, whatever happens, NO BODY could convince me that there is NO God. I mean coincidence? I think not. So to the mystery family out there, you were our little miracle today, thanks for allowing God to use you in this way for us.

10 comments:

Sarah said...

Thank you for sharing, Lesley....thank you for humbly sharing your trials so that God can receive the glory for the good things that He gives.

Mommy Missionary said...

You have hit on a truth that a lot of Christians don't get - our idea of when we've had enough and His are different. I am thankful for God's provision in your life. We've had a few financial miracles of our own this week too.

You are such a great testimony. Your willingness is... kind of unheard of in our world.

I'll be praying for those decisions and for Matt. And as always for you!

Nicole said...

Thanks for sharing Lesley! What an awesome testimony of God's continued faithfulness!!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog well over a year ago and have been reading ever since. Would you believe someone from Louisiana reads your every entry? I have never experienced a loss like yours, but you continue to touch my heart. My son is a little younger than Gretta and I live in fear every day of losing him. I don't really know why, but it causes me much anxiety. You are such a great testimony to God's work. You inspire me so much. I just wanted to say thank you for writing and please continue to do so.

Anonymous said...

God is Awesome! I WONT DENY!
ANgel

A day in the Life... said...

That IS awesome! I am glad the God continues to show you in big and small ways his love for you.

Alex Jerry; Stephanie Jerry said...

WOW!!!

Leah Lane said...

Jesus never fails! You are an awesome testimony to that truth.

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Anonymous said...

God Is So Good!