C.S. Lewis

I am reading C.S. Lewis', A Grief Observed. It is his personal journal of grief after losing his wife and only love. In this journal he rails at God and questions God's existence among other things. Considering his impact on writers and readers across the world for the case of Christ, it was a little surprising to me. A little.

It is interesting to me and comforting as well that a man of such deep faith and conviction himself, found a deep chasm of unanswerable in grief. It is so. As we embrace our human response to death, (because we have no other choice, we are in fact, human) we also must embrace the totality of what it brings to us. Questions that never find answers, a deep sadness that never goes away but is simply masked by life's happenings and day to day living, a complete change in who you are whether you wanted it or not, a shaky belief in everything that was solid before, a loss of innocence (you no longer can believe "things will work themselves out" or "everything will be fine"), new awareness of death and mortality, the list goes on.

On the up side, if you will, an unshakable compassion, resolve, bent will, head -bowed submission, the ability to overlook: the stupid, insignificant, trivial, minor infractions, misconceptions, misplaced rudeness and life's general annoyances; the "bottom line" knowledge that I AM NOT IN CONTROL and a host of other things to many to mention.

I have not lost my faith, in fact, my faith has been cemented, but only by God's sweet grace. I have questioned God and He has responded, but not in full. He has heard my cries, looked in my face, held my crumbled world in His mighty hands, but still He will not be moved by me, only I by Him.

I have shaken my fists, I have clenched my teeth and I have dug in my heels and that's okay, but I have found that God is stronger, more powerful, more true, steadfast and unmoving. He is bigger than I am and we all have been on the playground before and know with certainty that if someone is bigger than you, well then, that's all that really matters when you're backed into a corner, isn't it?

There is none like HIM, you see. None. While we continue to argue on His existence or relevance or power or goodness or even the absence of goodness, He IS. Who can understand the mind of God? Nobody, that's who. Nobody.