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to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Going Through

Not so interesting is this crabbiness, this constant anger boiling inside me. It's not so easy to be my friend right now, another stage when I don't even like myself.

Mostly, people just don't understand it and a big part of why they don't get it is because they have forgotten. (The other reason being they just 'don't know...') It is good to be validated by Grief Group, Grief Share videos, books, others who are grieving. The "normal" that doesn't seem so normal to anyone else, can really make you crazy. I am not suprised that people contemplate and sometimes committ suicide. It seems the easier way and I think it probably is.

Psalm 77:2c "My soul refused to be comforted"
Jeremiah 15:18a "Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable?"
Job 6:2a "Oh that my grief were thoroughly weighed"
Jonah 4:1 "But it displeased Jonah exceedingly and he was very angry"

"Grief is not rational. All the logic in the world will not allow you to escape the ache inside. It is an emotional jumble. The feelings are real: the mental and physical pain; the sense that it's all a dream and you'll wake soon; the denial; the caldron of boiling anger, the confusion; the embarrassment of one's emotions; disappointment, and frustration." {Gone But Not Lost, Grieving the Death of a Child, David W. Weirsbe, 1992}

I cannot explain where I am at right now with grief, other than to say I am in an unexplainable funk. Yes, angry, but disoriented and foggy too. I feel physical pain in my body, an ache that won't abate, I have headaches everyday without exception and to be honest, I just want to feel really good, for once. I carry the additonal burden of not being the kind of friend I want to be, mother I should be, wife I know I can be, instrument of help to others that I desire to be. I wonder how long it will be until people just give up on me entirely. There are very VERY few people in my life that have lasted this long as it is. People that ask, "How are you doing?" and ask it with the death of my daughter and the burden of sharing my grief in mind. VERY few. There is a small handful of friends that have stayed the course and I thank God for them on a regular basis and ask Him to give them endurance for me, because I need them and theirs is not an easy path to walk either. I do realize that. Their example will be my model in the future of how to walk alongside a grieving mother.

I told my sister last night on the phone something like this: Don't think there is no spiritual growth in anger, there is. It is not just in the depth of purest sorrow that we are changed, that we grow; it is in ALL the stages of grief. There is something to learn in each corner of emotion, in each day of pain.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow on you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; neither will the flame kindle on you."

going through....Lesley

9 comments:

A day in the Life... said...

Whether you feel it or not you are an amazing, friend, Mother and Wife! I remember you saying that guilt is not from God. You have no reason to carry the burden of not being a good friend, mother, wife.

You are doing the best you can and that is all any of us can do or expect someone else to do. God doesn't expect you to be perfect and neither does anyone else.

I am thankful for you that God has put a great grief group in your path. That must be a big help for you to talk to others who can relate.

Praying for you

Leah Lane said...

Lesley

I want you to know that I have not forgotten to pray for you! I am so glad you are sharing what you are going through. Sometimes I'm sure you feel like people don't want to hear that you are not fine. Walking through the fire just plain sucks. It would be a lot easier to be lifted out of it, but God does promise to bring you through to the other side. Keep walking, Lesley. One step at a time.

Alex Jerry; Stephanie Jerry said...

Hey Lesley. Thank you so much for being honest. Sometimes I think people expect that you will have it all together and never be angry or bitter...and that you're somehow less in the faith if you ever reach those points. I think you are very right that we GROW through those periods as well. God's not done with you yet. He's still working, hon! He's still holding you.
I am still praying for you very often, Lesley. You are not forgotten even though it may feel that way.
Dear Lord,
Please be with Lesley today. Help her to have a renewed spirit, peace and the ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Take away her physical pain and headaches, Lord Jesus. Just hold your child and love on her today. Amen.

Jennifer said...

I agree with the ladies that the burden of being a burden should not be on your back at all. We are not perfect and nobody expects that from you. I think you would be surprised how often you are thought of and prayed for by people you would not expect. Just with me for example, so many aspects of how I parent my own daughter are a result of knowing of your loss and the struggle that has followed.

I look at Willow and think of Gretta A LOT. And I never even got to meet the little angel. We do not have strings on our blinds anymore and nothing that even resembles a cord is anywhere in her reach. It sounds kinda bad but I really don't think I would have been as careful as I am if it weren't for your tragedy. I honestly find myself thinking of you and Gretta so much throughout every day when I am just taking in the surroundings of my home or playing with Willow.

And my prayers include you and your family always.....and they always will. Lifting you up right at this moment - I am believing that God is holding you right now.

Anonymous said...

I look for your writing every day. It's with great love and care. From time to time I have left you a message. I have been where you are and somedays am still. I've learned to live around it. I talk to her alot, ask her questions, even think what her answers would be. As I have aged I think where she would be in age now and talk to her at that age. It helps. I still wait for her everyday to walk in, but now with a husband and childern. It helps. In my minds eyes she will at every family get together. If anyone knew they would surely call the men in the white coats.I know that where she is she has all these things. This life is to ready us for heaven. Your doing really well you really are. I've been there. I lost a lot before I could really forgive and know this is God's plan and it's the right plan. Your in my prayer always. You, your family. Never give up, no matter what on yourself, your family and most of all God. He'll never leave you. Some days as you slide down the banister of life and you feel like all the splinters point up. Just get off it. Walk. love ya. Georgia

Anonymous said...

Oh Lesley, my heart hurts for you. Please know that I pray for you every day, I think of you and Gretta every day. I am a better mother because of you. Keep going through . . . . . Leslie

The Amazing Trips said...

Dear Sweet Lesley, I wish I had the perfect words to say. But I don't. All I can say is that my heart absolutely aches for you. Tears sting my face and I wish that I could bring your baby back in to your arms.

I'm in a Women's Bible Study group and each week I have been amazed at how applicable the topics we discuss, are to my life. Now after reading your blog, I feel moved to leave you a comment, because I believe what I learned this week needs to be shared with you. This week, we discussed how to recover from shaken confidence - those times when you are going through the water, the rivers, and the fires of life. I'm going to share with you what I learned, and I pray it helps soothe your soul.

*****

One of the stories we discussed surrounded a woman who had endured a crisis in her life. One day, she picked up a pen and wrote down what she believed God was trying to tell her. Ultimately, what she heard was God asking if she was available for ministry. God told her, "I will encourage you, walk with you and guide your way. I have provided all that you will need on this journey and I promise I will conform you, and transform you as I live out My perfect will for your life. If you can trust in Me, you will learn to love in ways you never would have imagined. Because I will help you learn all the more how wholly dependent you are upon Me. What more could you ask for?"

OK, so that sounds simple enough. Trust in God. Right? But when I consider what you are going through, grieving the loss of your precious baby, I can't really fathom how anyone could do anything except mourn? Sure God, You are there, but why, then, is there SO MUCH PAIN?

Then I consider the last paragraph in the Footsteps In the Sand poem: "I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me? And God replied, The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

There is no doubt, He is carrying you, Lesley. Because if He wasn't, I don't know how you could have survived this long after losing Gretta on earth. And then, I also consider what Corrie Ten Boom wrote, "When the train goes through a tunnel and the world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not. You sit still and trust the engineer to get you through."

You are going through. But continue to trust and you will get through. Until then, please be gentle with yourself and rejoice that Gretta's Spirit is alive and with you, even now.

You are deeply embedded in my heart and I send to you love, peace and a MULTITUDE of prayers for healing.

-Jen

Anonymous said...

Oh my sweet Lesley - my heart cries for you. Thank you for sharing your blog with me. Your heart is so tender and I can feel your pain just by reading. What you are going through is your own personal Jonah story (get a copy of P. Dave's sermon today). Your pain is so raw, so deep, I wish I could take it all away but in doing that you would need to let go and I don't ever want you to have to let go of that very deep love in your heart. All I know is that God IS with you, even when it doesn't seem like it. He WILL give you the strength to make it through every moment of every day. I am glad the Grief group has been healing, but YOU are more important than any group. If you need to stop, take a break and heal, please let me know. I continue to lift your heart to Christ's heavenly arms and ask Him to hold you so close you cannot escape His enduring love.
You are His angel,
Krista

inked33 said...

amen to what these folks have said... i have to tell you that although you don't know me, just like what "jennifer" wrote, i have changed things in my home & am very aware of most interactions with my little girl. i have removed all cords in our house & wherever we visit in regards to window blind cords and other things of that nature, i tell of your story over and over and hope that it will impact other lives. i also pray for you as often as God brings you to my mind.