Scroll down to the bottom of the page
to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Must Have

I put two little pigtails in her hair. Right on the top of her head with the back of her hair hanging down. It was the first time I fixed it that way. She stood, like always, letting me comb and part it, tying it up with little bands, twisting and securing each side. Her big green eyes watching me, impatiently, wanting to get onto the next thing. She never said much, but she learned to say, "Ouch!" from watching her big sister, Jordi, getting her hair fixed. "Ouch!" she said, though it lacked conviction. Just a word, that she now knew, appropriately spent on the event.

Right before that, I put on cute little jeans. It was the first time she had worn them. Little hand sewn patches into the sides, tiny jeans. I still have them. She was going horseback riding that morning, for the first time. She loved to go on trips and I wondered how much she understood about where she was going. "You and Russell are going to see the horse's and Gamma and Papa!" "Papa" she said. But she meant "Grandma" she always called my mother, "Papa", we just didn't realize it right away.

Her face, those big green eyes, those trusting eyes, that hair, those little curls. Her hair was the longest any of my children's hair had grown by age 2. That's why I liked to fix it, because I could. I know I hugged her, how could I resist? I must have hugged her close before or after I dressed her and did her hair up. I must have. I know I kissed her, didn't I? I must have.

Sometimes, like now, the pain of losing her, those last moments, those last quick unpredictable, unforeseeable moments, taken for granted at the time, not knowing what would happen, not knowing, how could I have known? It just comes back so strong, so horribly hard and fast, Oh God, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. Oh God.


Heather said...

Lesley, Your pain just breaks my heart. I'm praying for you today.

Nicole said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nicole said...

I don't know what to say Lesley. Saying how sorry I am seems like so little but it's all I have to say. Like Heather said, your pain is heartbreaking. I am asking God to be especially near you today.

inked33 said...

i pray that God holds you super close and that you can receive some of the comfort that only He can give.

A day in the Life... said...

Thanks for sharing that story of her, I am glad that you have those memories of her. Praying for you today

Jody said...

Hi Lesley,
You emailed me several months ago and now I can't find it to answer you back.

You did get me confused with somebody else. I actually lost my son to stillbirth...we were told he had a fatal condition. It looks like you have me under your blogs- "Forever a Mommy of Two" except now I changed the name of it to "Beauty Will Rise". I also have a blog for bereaved mommies-

I first heard about you from Jeannie Fox- she used to go to my church and I think she knows you from high school or something. Anyway, she had asked our church to pray for you awhile back. So I checked your blog out and read Gretta's story and have commented a few times.

Though we lost our children to different things, I know we feel similar grief and pain. I've prayed for you and your family many times and just want you to know I care about you, and your loss of precious Gretta.

We will continue to get through this one day at a time. Until we see our children again...