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Sunday, November 14, 2010

God is Faithful

Often times I write in my blog, because the pain I feel is desperate and it comes when I am alone and the house is quiet and still. It comes when I cannot sleep and I need to cry out.
It comes when I have settled down from the tasks of the day that keep me occupied and I am able to clear my mind of mundane things. Then the whole of my daughters death seeps in. Pieces of her are around me all the time and I see her in other little girls, in the pictures we keep of her and in the small things that happen here without her. When I look at my children together eating dinner as I stand in the kitchen, it always strikes me "there should be four". I say this because...

I know some of what I write in this blog is dark and depressing and could even be viewed as hopeless. I am not hopeless, but hopeful. I am hopeful of the eternity ahead with all those I love. I am hopeful that while I am here on earth I will make a difference for Christ.

I have really good days. I have days when I smile all day and laugh and play and work hard and I forget that deep down I am sad. I don't think I will ever not be sad. It just takes different forms from day to day. You just don't get over the sadness that comes from giving a child back to Heaven. You just don't. Sadness will always be a part of who I am now but it won't be all that I am.

I read a great quote today in the book, Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. Mary Beth is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman and they lost their daughter Maria in May of 2008, just a few months before we lost Gretta. The quote hit home for me and it by one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." ~ C.S. Lewis

That about sums it up.

Lesley

3 comments:

Jennifer said...

This post is like poetry. Painful because of the sorrow in every word yet beautiful because it's full of hope and God's love. I love hearing about those days when you laugh and smile all day. Those are the things I find myself praying for you among other things. Evidence of your healing is coming out and that is an answer to prayer as well. Sadness is not all that you are; that was well said. You are a loving, kind, and brave mother, wife, sister, friend and light for Jesus Christ. Thank you for continuing to shine. XOXO

Shakti said...

I blogged about something similar (http://nosuchthingasanordinarylife.blogspot.com/2010/08/statute-of-limitations.html). Strangely enough, I think being healthy sometimes means feeling nothing. If I felt the way I did that first year forever, I would be exhausted, and wouldn't live the life that I and my family deserve. The key for me is to recognize when that exhaustion has set in and to let myself rest--literally or figuratively.

Leslie said...

Lesley, I think of you so often and keep you in my prayers. I hope you are okay, you haven't posted in so long. God bless you.