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Monday, November 1, 2010

Cold and Dead

Gretta, I drove past the graveyard today, I stopped.
Begrudgingly, slowly, heavily I walked up to the cold, still bed that holds you. The ground.
Your headboard a stone with words chiseled into the face, a small picture of you.
There was nothing there. It was an empty, lifeless void. A nothing, a cold, grey space of your memory.
I knelt.
I touched the stone, ran my fingers along your picture and touched your cheek.
I felt nothing and left.

This visit is just like my insides now. Dead, lifeless, cold and grey. Untouchable. Unseen and decomposing.

Is there a time when we are left alone to our own pain and self pity? Does God walk away? Has He decided to tend to other things? He has seen it best to leave me cold and empty now for 2 long years. There is no movement and I can't decide if it's my fault or not. I have no strength to lift myself out of this pit of unquenchable sadness and anger and lifelessness. Will He come and lift me out? Why does this have to part of my story and how long will it take???

I go to school now. I have decided to go back to school for my BA in Community Psychology and onto Graduate school for Corporate/Family Crisis Counseling and Intervention. I am doing well in school and have found a renewed passion for standing against the agendas of Satan on a secular college campus. At school I can be "on fire" for God, bold in my speeches against the popular agendas, but my drive home....my time at home....I am just this empty dead person.

I haven't picked up my Bible in weeks, I pray, but for other people or my kids, I work on Sundays, I am not in any spiritually feeding women's or co-ed groups. I can give, but I cannot recieve.

Can someone explain why this is happening to me? How long this will last? If I can change this? Or is God just leaving me to my own demise for a time?

The thing is, in the back of my mind, I just know that even though Gretta is gone, that is just part of my story. I just don't know what to expect anymore.

6 comments:

Karol said...

I can so thoroughly relate to this post. I go through all of the necessities of life. I can put on a happy face, smile, even laugh. I go to work, attend all of the necessary kid's function, feed my family and clean my house. Inside it's just empty, nothingness. I know that I am probably stuck but haven't a clue how to get unstuck.

Praying for you and missing our girls.

Anonymous said...

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”
~Frances Chan~


Do I think God has left you to your own demise? Absolutely not! and I don't think you really believe that either.

I think our emptiness comes from discontentment, from Jealousy. We are always looking for something or someone to make us happy. We busy ourselves thinking that if we are just doing enough things that we will be happy, if we do enough things for God then we will be happy.

When it's hard and you are doubtful, give more."
— Francis Chan

I don't believe you are empty or dead, I think you are amazing and full of life. God is using you and will continue to use you, even if you don't feel alive or feel like God is working, He is.

Alex Jerry; Stephanie Jerry said...

I think there are definitely points where we have to hold on to what we KNOW and what we BELIEVE about God: "He will never leave you nor forsake you", "He is close to the broken-hearted", etc. Those are promises, Lesley, even though nothing in your heart can possibly feel it. It becomes a choice we have to make...to believe and stand on those promises when there's no sign of it whatsoever.
I sure do wish, along with other people, that I could reach over and take it all from you as quickly as it came. But that is God's work and He IS working in and around you. Some day, you will see it. For now, love and hugs come your way as well as many prayers.

Nicole said...

Lesley, I don't know what to say but I do pray for you and think of you often.

Anonymous said...

havent come to your blog for some time.. this post is rather depressing,, I held Mattea Gretta Claire today in sunday school and couldnt help but miss my grettle. I miss her BUT would never EVER want her back after she has been in the presence of our Savior. How Blessed she is. I cannot wait, as you, to be in the Lords Presence.. but for now.. we MUST keep moving forward, making the most of each day.. striving to be more Christlike! It is a battle for me as it is for you,, and we know Gods Promises are TRUE ,, He will NEVER leave us nor Forsake us! Hold on to that... TIGHTLY. i love you sweet sister. ~Angel

Anonymous said...

havent come to your blog for some time.. this post is rather depressing,, I held Mattea Gretta Claire today in sunday school and couldnt help but miss my grettle. I miss her BUT would never EVER want her back after she has been in the presence of our Savior. How Blessed she is. I cannot wait, as you, to be in the Lords Presence.. but for now.. we MUST keep moving forward, making the most of each day.. striving to be more Christlike! It is a battle for me as it is for you,, and we know Gods Promises are TRUE ,, He will NEVER leave us nor Forsake us! Hold on to that... TIGHTLY. i love you sweet sister. ~Angel