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and pictures from her funeral

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

One More Day

Just one more day, Oh Lord. How can you expect me to get through this day? There is this physical ache, void, pain, emptiness, it is all consuming sometimes. Like a heavy weight, like a claustrophobic, breathless, I must die soon, moment. Don't even ask me about the mental, spiritual or emotional feelings, sometimes the physical is all I can handle.

I believe in God. I believe in God's plans. I believe in God's comfort, grace, mercy and GREAT love. But I AM HUMAN and I grieve like GOD made me to grieve. I take comfort in these words but I must admit that I have to remember to remember them many, many times throughout each day. This is me, this is honest. WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD DID MY GRETTA HAVE TO DIE????? And then HE speaks to me like this....

"Why not you, my child? Why not your baby?"
"I did not cause this, but I will make great things come of it."
"I am the Great Comforter".
"Yes you are walking through this valley of death but I am with you, I will carry you."
"I gave my ONLY Son for you Lesley, I watched him tortured and mocked and beaten and abused and nailed to a cross, and I cried and I am crying with you now, I KNOW how you feel and I will not leave you."
"I have began a great work in you and I will finish it."
"Gretta is my child too, I have always taken care of her and I am taking care of her now."

What else, Lord? What other comfort can you tell me, is this really enough, I don't feel the pain going away, tell me more...."
and He replies...

"I will never leave you, I have not forsaken you."
"For you know the plans I have for you and these plans will not harm you, but will bring about good for many people, for you."
"You are my child and I hold you in the palm of My Mighty Hand, I will never forget, I am the One who will never forget."
"Lean on Me, you can do anything through the strength that I give you."
"Don't worry Lesley about tomorrow and how you will feel then, just trust Me and cry to me, and I will hear you and lift you up, 'one day at a time'."

And finally my heart slows it's painful beating, as my tears roll down my face, a little pain is lifted, if only for a moment and I breathe. I breathe in and breathe out, slowly and I don't think about tomorrow but just about now and how I can feel Jesus reaching out to me and holding me and loving me and I thank Him right now in the midst of this storm, because I promised Him I would 'praise You in this storm' and I do for one more day.


Anonymous said...

Oh sister, I hate that you have to experience this hell fire that runs through your veins and into your heart. It is a gaping wound that has flooded your entire body. Cry cry cry that helps so much for the physical pain. I always felt better after a break down. Oh how I wish there was something I could say or do but I know nothing at this time can take away the pain. Scream, punch, cry, kick, throw.....WHATEVER you need to get that pain to lessen a bit.
I continue to pray daily that God would reveal Himself to you.
In prayer,

Nicole said...

Oh Lesley my heart hurts for you.

"I will protect you..." Acts 26:17
"I will comfort you..." Isaiah 66:13
"I will give you peace..." Leviticus 26:6
"I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:12
"I will carry you..." Isaiah 46:4
"I will strengthen you..." Isaiah 41:10
"I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"I will be with you." Genesis 31:3

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28

"He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power." Isaiah 40:29

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Heavenly Father, I come to you now and ask that you would reveal your love to Lesley right now. I ask Lord God for your peace to surround her. That un-fathomable peace that only comes from your spirit. I pray Lord that she always feels free to grieve. I pray God that she doesn't ever feel like her grief and pain are somehow a lack of trust in you. Lord, grant her strength, new strength every day. Every hour. I would ask that you would send your angels to surround her and protect her. Lord, comfort her, wipe her tears, hold her tightly in your loving arms.