Scroll down to the bottom of the page
to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Friday, November 21, 2008

Is It Okay to Just "Be"???

I went to my grief group last night again. It was the third time. It was good.
I have been struggling with just being in the state I am in. I feel stagnent.

I have always been a goal orientated person. A foreward-moving, something's cookin', "I've got an idea!" person. Not now. I have no ideas, no thoughts towards having any, no goals other than making it through another day, no motivation for anything really. On top of all of this feeling really rather not like myself at all, I feel guilty about it.

In group, the counselor told me that Type A personalities need to "be still" when they are grieving. They basically gave me permission to be this person that is nothing like my former self.

You know the thing is, Gretta's death is monumental to me. Everything I say, somehow starts with, "Before" or "After" [Gretta's death]. Well, frankly I am resenting this monument altogether. It is there and I cannot move it. It will forever be there, on September 4th, 2008. My life, our families life was irrevocabley changed and I am just not happy about this at all.

I have been reminded that I may get angry about this death, it may be a part of grief. Maybe because people have told me this, I am starting to feel a little resentful. Maybe I just am.

Anyway, for me, as for most women, we must have permission to be sick and in bed, sick in the head, grieve in a our own way, etc. For some reason, it helps to feel like someone said it was okay to be whatever we already are anyway. So thanks for giving me permission to just be. Because that is all I can do anyway.


Sarah said...

Lesley, I still think of you and pray for your family on a regular basis. I'm glad that you're able to post your heart on this blog; it gives me a chance to know where you're at and a reminder of how I can pray for you through your grieving process.

Just keep "being."

not2brightGRAM said...

Lesley, I don't know you (I am John and Tiff Clark's aunt in California), but I love you in the Lord Jesus. I am praying for you. I'm so terribly sorry you lost your precious Gretta and are suffering so greatly. I ache for you. May your grief gradually diminish, even though your love for her never will.

Lamentations 3, ALL, especially 19-24

Judi D.

godlover said...

Leslie, you don't know me either but I live in California and I've been praying for you and your family every day for over a week now. I can't remember when I first started but I just continue to pray for you as you come to my mind. I'm just so horribly sorry that this has happened to you. It makes me physically ill. Gretta was an incredible loss. You have the right to grieve in anyway you want. You don't need permission or OKs, just go right ahead and grieve however you feel feel you need to. I pray that the Lord Jesus will ease your pain as you deal with this horror on a daily up-close-and-personal approach each and every day. You are right. You life was forever changed and there's nothing you can do about that. They told me when my son died that I would get angry. Maybe even get angry at him for dying. But the only thing I got angry about was the fact that I had no choice in the matter. That what I wanted didn't count. My life changed and I had no say. That's what I got angry about. Hang in there. I will continue to pray for you but healing is going to take a long, long time.
In Christ's Love,

michelle said...

hi doll, I look forward to your blogs. I think of you everyday. I love you so much and I pray for you everyday. I just can't imagine the pain you are going through. You do what you need to do it is OK... I am here for you in anyway you need me. I do not mean to be distant in anyway. I am here for you always and I love you. I don't know what else I can do I want to take your pain away from you. Please stay strong and remember I am always here for you in anyway you need me... Love always.. Your friend always Shell

Nicole said...

Lesley, I'm praying for you that you'll feel free to grieve how you need to and that you'll never feel judged for that.

We can all imagine what it might be like in your shoes but we don't know. Well, I don't know. It's one of those things I'm unable to even really imagine and so no one can say the best way, and I don't believe there is one, to grieve. We all grieve differently and I think the unfairness of all of this is just as much a part of the process of grieving as any other.

I was reading Oswald Chamber's and I came upon something that made me think of you. Or more it made me think of me and of the others in your life. He says,

"One of our severest lessons comes from the stubborn refusal to see that we must not interfere in other people's lives. It takes a long time to realize the danger of being an amateur providence, that is, interfering with God's order for others. You see a certain person suffering, and you say--He shall not suffer, and I will see that he does not. You put your hand straight in front of God's permissive will to prevent it, and God says-- "What is that to thee?"... When you do have to give advice to another, God will advise through you with the direct understanding of His spirit; your part is to be so rightly related to God that His discernment comes through you all the time for the blessing of another soul."

I don't know how much you've dealt with people saying the wrong thing, people not understanding, or people trying to "fix" it but what that paragraph spoke to me is that God is in control, still, and he allows this anger, the resentment, the grief to be used at some time as salve for your wounds and who are we to stifle that? It's hard to see other people hurting but I pray for all those along your path to be wise in discerning their words and that none of us should feel that we in some way have to prevent you from feeling this way.

You talked about being willing to carry one another's burdens so what I can offer you is exactly that. Please know that there are others surrounding you in prayer, lifting you continually up to the Father.

And also remember that when you don't know what to pray that the Holy Spirit prays for you.

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expresed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." Romans 8:26-27

Thinking and praying for you always,