I went to the kids Christmas program at church last night. I tried to stay clear of most everyone and of course that didn't work very well. People are very kind and try to be comforting. Nothing really comforts me right now unfortunately.
When it was just about time for the little ones, ages 2-3 to go up and sing, the parents of all those precious babies went up front to take pictures. Of course our little Russell was up there too and I remember last year saying to Matt, "Next year Russell and Gretta will be up there together and it will be so cute!" But she wasn't there. I saw all these happy and proud parents taking pictures of their little kids, (girls mostly) friends of Gretta's, and my heart just started to pound. "Why God, Why?" "Where is she? Why does it hurt so bad?" After the program was over, I held it together until then, I just sat in the front of the church. I was frozen there really, couldn't get up and I just cried. I prayed that no one would come up after me, that no one would notice, I didn't want to get up and run to a bathroom, I just couldn't move. Thankfully, only my husband came up to see if I was okay and I just asked him to give me a few minutes.
Really, these last few days especially, I almost feel like I'm in shock again, like after Gretta first died. I am having trouble doing anything really. I just want to hide away, alone. Skip the whole holiday altogether. Alas, I am not allowed. "You have 3 other children who need you!" Someone reminded me again last night, wasn't the first time I have heard that or thought it myself. Somehow it seems like a stale excuse to me.
I realize why the Holidays are so hard for me. It's not that there is anything Gretta did on Christmas that we are missing out on now, or some tradition that we got used to and now it's not here anymore. It is simply that you are supposed to be so CHEERFUL and full of MERRY and GIVING and THOUGHTFUL and EXCITED and JOYFUL and BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! I'm none of those things and I can't even muster up the energy or desire to FAKE IT!!
Everyone says I will get through this next couple weeks. I know that I will because there are so many faithful people that will be praying for me. But the truth is, it's like going through a really hard birthing labor, you know you will most likely live through it, you're just not all that sure that you want to.
5 comments:
I enjoyed seeing you on Friday...
I hope the holiday's come and go quickly for you.
Love ya,
Nicole
These are question you will always ask and will never know.But I know know what you're going through. It's ok to be alittle mad at everyone, everything, even God. He loves you so, it's so hard to understand. My baby, my joy, just a little girl died on Christmas eve, My 38 year old little sister died on Thanksgiving,leaving us three little girls. I know where you are. I wish so much I could help, there are no words that can only time and the Lord can. You are in my prayers alway. Georgia
i appreciate your honesty and how real you are in your blog. i hope you don't lost that.
Leslie,
I wish I could just press fast forward for you so the holidays could quickly pass. Time is most likely dragging by. I am glad you got up the strength to go to the program. It is so hard looking up at the stage and not seeing what you should be seeing. We still cry. Oh my sister, my heart aches for you. I am holding you up in prayer during the holiday.
Love to you,
Linda
It's okay to want to hide and if you are angry....that is okay too. What happened to Gretta was unfair and it may be a long time before you know why it happened but I pray for peace to be inside of you until then.....
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