Thoughts After Midnight

So again I can't sleep, mind racing thinking about all this stuff. My cousin just had a baby that's in intensive care. Little girl, Kaylee. So I'm praying for her tonight. Praying for all the brokeness out there, the pain.

This thing, grief...it's something else. I usually don't know what day it is. I show up for appointments all proud of myself for making it, only to find out I had the right day of the week just not the right week. I double book my schedule and there are no brainwaves telling me I am doing it. I buy Christmas presents I have already bought two weeks ago and forgot about. I burned a bowl of peas for dinner...PEAS!!! Do you know how hard it is to burn peas? I can't remember which side of the plate the fork goes on. I feel perfectly fine one minute and in the middle of a group of people I have an overwhelming urge to lye down right on the floor and cry. Luckily I have not done this, though I have come frighteningly close on more than one occasion.

The light is different. It's never really day anymore, just a long, long version of dusk. I keep busy all the time. My mind cannot stop to rest for fear of the thoughts that might creep in. So I play puzzles and do dishes and organize cubboards and closets....only to go back to them and find them completely disorganized again. I need to refocus on something but nothing seems to help. I read my bible and have to reread what I just read because nothing registered. I pray and it feels like my words are hitting the ceiling.

I am scared that if I talk about all of this stuff too much, the people that have hung in there so far are going to up and walk away for self preservation. I cannot be who I once was, it is this impossible thing and there is nothing I can do about it. I do not know who I am supposed to be now or who I might turn out to be some time down the road. Change has never bothered me. In fact I have always welcomed it. But this isn't just change, this is some hardcore transition period with no time table. No syllabus, no directives, nothing. Just go through, push on, wake up another day, do another thing, smile another smile, cry another ocean.

All you people out there, just stop and hug your kids, stare into their eyes, touch their hands, kiss their faces....breathe them in, listen to the sound of their voice, their laughter. What I wouldn't give to even see Gretta one more time, hold her, listen to her little voice, sing a song with her, anything.