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to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Thoughts After Midnight

So again I can't sleep, mind racing thinking about all this stuff. My cousin just had a baby that's in intensive care. Little girl, Kaylee. So I'm praying for her tonight. Praying for all the brokeness out there, the pain.

This thing,'s something else. I usually don't know what day it is. I show up for appointments all proud of myself for making it, only to find out I had the right day of the week just not the right week. I double book my schedule and there are no brainwaves telling me I am doing it. I buy Christmas presents I have already bought two weeks ago and forgot about. I burned a bowl of peas for dinner...PEAS!!! Do you know how hard it is to burn peas? I can't remember which side of the plate the fork goes on. I feel perfectly fine one minute and in the middle of a group of people I have an overwhelming urge to lye down right on the floor and cry. Luckily I have not done this, though I have come frighteningly close on more than one occasion.

The light is different. It's never really day anymore, just a long, long version of dusk. I keep busy all the time. My mind cannot stop to rest for fear of the thoughts that might creep in. So I play puzzles and do dishes and organize cubboards and closets....only to go back to them and find them completely disorganized again. I need to refocus on something but nothing seems to help. I read my bible and have to reread what I just read because nothing registered. I pray and it feels like my words are hitting the ceiling.

I am scared that if I talk about all of this stuff too much, the people that have hung in there so far are going to up and walk away for self preservation. I cannot be who I once was, it is this impossible thing and there is nothing I can do about it. I do not know who I am supposed to be now or who I might turn out to be some time down the road. Change has never bothered me. In fact I have always welcomed it. But this isn't just change, this is some hardcore transition period with no time table. No syllabus, no directives, nothing. Just go through, push on, wake up another day, do another thing, smile another smile, cry another ocean.

All you people out there, just stop and hug your kids, stare into their eyes, touch their hands, kiss their faces....breathe them in, listen to the sound of their voice, their laughter. What I wouldn't give to even see Gretta one more time, hold her, listen to her little voice, sing a song with her, anything.


michelle said...


Anonymous said...

Dear Heavenly Father, There is no pain such as losing a precious child. I beseech You, who sacrificed Your own Son to redeem our lives, to hold this dear mother close and sustain her during this very dark valley. You have promised to wipe away every tear in a future day, but until then, give her the strength to shed them with grace, and not be ashamed. Walk with her during the day and the night, when she grieves so deeply that she cannot tell which it is. Surround her with friends who will demonstrate Your faithfulness, speaking words that are balm to her raw soul. We know Your Son was a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, but sometimes we imagine that He suffered less because of His divinity, when in actuality He felt it more acutely because He is the Creator of emotion. May she find a cleft in Him and hide there until this violent storm passes. Protect her marriage, her mothering of her remaining children, and her sanity. Bring her through this with glory to Your name, since You have counted her worthy to suffer for Your name's sake. You MUST sustain her!

Jeanie said...

I am so sorry you are going thruogh this. I wish there were words I could say to make it all better for you. We will not go away. We will keep you in our prayers.

Sarah said...

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers during this season. Don't stop sharing, don't stop talking about it. Don't let others forget Gretta. And I pray that you just keep on keepin' on.....burnt peas and all.

Nicole said...

No one is ever going to walk away from you Lesley. Not anyone that matters anyway.

I'd love to have something encouraging to say to you but I don't. I cry for you, think of you, and pray for you often and I wish I could do more.

HugYourKidsToday said...

Dear Gretta's mom,
I've been a grieving mom for 10 years. I'm sorry you had to join my club. It's a crummy club, one where we say "Darn, we've got another member."

One of the things I've learned about grief is that every feeling is OK. If you want to lie on the floor and scream, maybe you should. Maybe that's what you need to do. You can wait until everyone leaves and you're alone, but it's not crazy. It might even do you some good.

There is no easy way though the death of a child. For my son Mark's 10-year anniversary, I wrote a book to change the world "Hug Your Kids Today! 5 Key Lessons for Every Working Parent." It was my way of honoring that I'd made it though 10 years without him. You'll find yours.

Michelle Nichols

A day in the life of the Simmons said...

I don't think you will ever be what you once were and that is OK. I think you will be better than you once were, you already are!

LL said...

I'm still praying Lesley! I pray that God will sustain you and help you to breathe every day without Gretta. Thank you for your honesty and eloquence in sharing your grief. It helps me know how better to pray for you and reminds me that you still need it every day.

Georgia said...

God is with you. He'll never tire of your tears. Mary cried, the angels cried. The pain was so great that God couldn't even bear to look upon his only son as he died. God knows and he hears you. You have done so much for him. Do you know? If not now you will. Hold fast to his hem if thats all you can reach now,he will pull you on up. Gretta is so blessed to have been picked to grow up in heaven, and you are her mother. God's blessings are so all around you.

Angela said...

Sweet Sister, as I read your blog I am reminded once again that you are a True gift from God. He has blessed you with words beyond my brain waves,, you have a way of putting your thoughts on paper, or computer that touch the very depth of a persons soul. God is using you in ways beyond your imagination. I am blessed to be your sister and even more blessed to be your best friend. I love you

Anonymous said...

You are so very special and will never be forgotten. Gretta will not be either...... All of those who matter will stay and be here when you want to talk and even when you don't. We will be here when you want to scream or when you want to be silent. Remember that you should never be ashamed for how you are grieving! No matter what you do or how long it takes....we will be beside you.