Scroll down to the bottom of the page
to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Monday, December 8, 2008

Going Through the Motions

Life has a way of forcing us to move forward. There are things that have to be done, people we must respond to, places we must go. When all the world keeps moving along and you feel it should have stopped; at some point you have to go along with it. Whether willingly or not, I am being pulled along through the holiday season. I will bake cookies, I will Christmas shop, (and already have) I will play Christmas music (I am even singing in a group for a Christmas program), I did decorate the tree and house, I WILL participate. Inside almost all the things I am doing, I do begrudgingly but with a smile on my face. At least a 1/2 smile. Why have the Holidays come this year? Why has the calendar turned? Where did the snow come from? Hasn't anyone been informed that the world stopped on September 4th around 11:00 am?

I know that our celebration is not a Holiday per say. It is a rejoicing by all the believers that our Savior was born. That we indeed have a real Savior, that He came to save us. This I celebrate without disdain. This my soul freely rejoices. This Christ, our Lord, is the reason I will make it through the days of human holidays. Because He lives! Because He came! Because He died for me! Even the death of my own daughter does not take away the joy of that gift, because I will see my Lord again someday (soon I hope) and with that glorious meeting I will also see my sweet Gretta.

I am sad to the point of saturation, but I identify with my God in sorrow and with my Savior in suffering. God in His infinite mercy has allowed me to know Him better because of the great loss our family is suffering too. I am thankful that God trusted us with this. Still, I long to hold my baby girl.

7 comments:

LL said...

I have been thinking about you and praying for you almost daily. Then, I heard you call in to a radio show I was listening to on the way home from Mankato. It reminded me that I need to be vigilant in holding you and your family up especially during Christmas. God bless your precious family.
Leah

michelle said...

you are constantly in my prayers and thoughts. I pray for your strenghth and your strong beliefs to keep you going through these trying times. I love you dearly.

A day in the life of the Simmons said...

I've discovered what you mean about your grief coming in waves. I find myself overcome with thoughts about Gretta and her death multiple times per day and often at the most unexpected moments.

A song that is played.. or something someone says.. or when I tuck Jaymen into bed at night and give him an extra kiss.

I wish you were able to tuck Gretta in and hold her and love her. My heart hurts for you that you (for now) are unable to do all those things that we take for granted every day.

Watching Jaymen start to talk and say new words I think about what it would be like for you to hear Gretta start talking and listen to all the silly things she probably would have said.

I have listened to that song.. Better is one day in your House than thousands else where.. and thought about Gretta... it is so amazing to think that the Bible says that even spending just one day in Heaven would be better than thousands on Earth. It blows my mind really..

It is hard for me to even comprehend how great that is! How awesome it must be for Gretta right now, and how Awesome that you will see her again and there will be no sorrow or pain or suffering.

God promises in Jeremiah that he has plans to give you a hope and a future... and it is evident to me that knowing that she is in a perfect place and knowing that you will see her again is your hope that God promises. A hope that can carry you through this day and everyday to come.

ben and erin said...

here i was a week ago not wanting to put up a tree because i couldn't find one and because i was super mad at the tree i had. and i ended up getting one with a bad attitude.

you have just reminded me of what is really important. i can't imagine how hard this Christmas must be for you and your family, but you're still participating with a smile...

keeping you in my prayers and trusting that God will give you a peace that passes all understanding this Christmas.

in HIS love,
erin

Jenny_M said...

As i am reading the blogs...reading the comments..... I cry. I have cried many times and then felt like I didn't have the right to cry and got mad at myself for feeling like I do when your pain is mountains larger than mine. It has been said that grief has many faces and I must accept that it is okay for me to be feeling loss even when it wasn't extremely personal to me. Although I know you and your family and love you all dearly, I have (for some reason) felt like I didn't have the right to mourn Gretta's death! Maybe because I never knew her, maybe because I haven't even spoken with you in years...who knows. But I felt selfish.... I can relate on a microscopic scale to what you said about feeling guilty for how you are grieving. I am telling you and telling myself... IT IS OKAY!

During this unfair and heart wrenching process; some days will be good, some days will be alright, and some days will be downright unbearable. On all these types of days it is okay:
- to go through the everyday tasks of life with little to no emotion...
- to wonder and dream of what that precious angel is doing now and what she may have been doing if she were in her bedroom right now...
- to be angry and wonder why and how could this happen to me and resent everything/everyone involved in the whole ordeal...

It's even okay to feel guilty about having those feelings...forgetting how to smile...avoiding family and friends...wanting to stay in bed and not wake up...loosing your personality/dreams/hopes/ideas.

The list goes on an the bottom line is --- IT IS OKAY, IT IS NORMAL, AND NOBODY IS JUDGING YOU!

Like you said...you are the one who has to wake up and feed three children breakfast in the morning instead of four, the one who has to/had to pack your baby's things and deal with knowing that she will never wear that sweet pink dress again, and continue to deal with these small but ever so big reminders EVERY DAY! We don't know how you feel and we can't/don't expect anymore from you than whatever you can give even if it is nothing.

I am praying along with many others. I like what Nicole said about praying for the people around you to choose their words. That is what I am praying for so I sure hope I didn't say the wrong ones!

You inspire me.....
Love,
Jenny Mittag

tamara said...

Lesley,

I've been praying for you every day. I pray that two of you are staying strong as a couple during this journey of grief. May the love that brought you together see you through... God's love is merciful.

No words truly heal the gapping whole in your heart and life. I wish you grace; grace to lift you. I share with you the song that was played at Kyle, Emma and Katie's funeral in hopes to remind you it is ok to be empty on bended knee ~ grace be yours.

"GRACE"
The sky is grey and the light is far
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved

I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that's louder than mine
I need hope I need You
Cause I can't do this alone

Grace I call Your name
Oh won't Your smile fall over me
I'm cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me I need You grace

I pray for dawn a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
Though darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there's a greater light shining for us

Come down and save me

With love and blessings,
Tamara

Shannon Ryan said...

I just found your blog through another website.. I am so sad and sorry for your sweet and beautiful Gretta! Thank you so much for sharing her story. It's amazing for you to put yourself out there in hopes of saving another baby from such a terrible accident. Many hugs to your family. I know December is a hard month.