Scroll down to the bottom of the page
to see a video of Gretta
and pictures from her funeral

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Sometimes I am Just Sad

All day today I have been on the verge of tears. Everything I see, read, listen to or do makes me sad. I can't seem to shake it. I do not feel comforted, warm, or protected from this wave of sadness that surrounds me. I want to lay down and sleep and think it would be a bonus if I just didn't wake up.

This is where I am at today. I never know where I will be at from day to day. I don't have anything encouraging to say or comfort to extend to those who are praying for me. I am thankful people are praying, I can't imagine what that would be like....not having the prayer support.

I know that it is easy to slip into a spirit of pity, sorry that we are missing all the things that could have been.

Gretta was just talking when she died. Everyday she said new words, you know, that stage when they are just bursting forth with learning and growing. I think about what she would have sounded like trying to say "Christmas" or "Christmas tree" or "Presents". How excited she would have been at the blinking lights on the tree. How much longer her hair would have been. We picture how many times she would probably try to sneak over and unwrap presents and how in her truest form, she would have kept doing it no matter how many times we disciplined her. That was Gretta. No fear.

As I watch my little Russell playing alone with a couple stuffed animals and talking to himself, I think how unfair it is that he had a playmate and now he is having to learn to play alone. It just doesn't seem right.

I should say that I am taking great comfort in the blessings we do have. But today, I just can't seem to do that. That is where I am at today. That is where I will probably be all day today.

I'm just sad.

7 comments:

ben and erin said...

I find it interesting that you wrote that you don't have anything encouraging to say.... aren't WE supposed to be the ones encouraging and comforting you?!

And it's okay to be sad. If you aren't sad then you won't experience the comfort that God will give. Matthew 5:4
Thank you for letting us know how to pray for you today.

Jessica said...

I think it's ok to be where you are at today... and it certainly won't be the last day you feel this way.

Praying for you...

Jeanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeanie said...

I can't imagine what your family must be going through especially during the holidays. I think of you often and pray for your family. As I am leaving a comment, The song Come to Jesus is playing. What a great reminder for us all.

Nicole said...

Gosh, such simple things we take for granted that we don't even realize we'd miss. I mean, you just don't think about things like that, like the length of her hair but thinking about it now is so sad.

I only ever met Gretta once but I've seen so many pictures of her and heard so many memories that I feel like I knew her better than I really did and since I also have a child the same age it's easy to relate to what kids that age are like. They're all so alike in a lot of ways!

This is a very, very hard time of year for people that are grieving a loss and I think about you very often Lesley, every single day. I'm continually reminded because of you to treasure the simplest things that I'd otherwise probably never even think of.

I was going to say that I don't have much to say but then I realized I already wrote 3 paragraphs. Really though I don't know what to say other than you've been such a blessing to me and I appreciate your honesty in your writing. You are continually in my prayers!

Love your friend,
Nicole

monkey mama said...

I'm sad with you. I have to swallow the lump in my throat as I think about all the things you're missing and the things I would miss, too. Gretta seems much like my Lil. Daring. Fearless. Discipline? No big deal. I would miss all of it immeasureably. Thanks for your honesty. It helps us all to remember the treasures our kids are, even in moments when we'd like to - you know - sell them at the next garage sale. We'll continue to pray for all of you.

theultrarev said...

Just you sharing yourself authentically and honestly -- I find you encouraging.