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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Suddenly

This last week or so has been one episode after another of sudden crying. I couldn't make it through church without leaving or Sunday School. Of course Sunday School was about reuniting with our loved ones after Jesus raptures us. I left once, regained my composure and returned; only to leave again and hide in the bathroom to cry my head off for the rest of the class. I didn't return that time.

Every so often I am hit with an overwhelming emptiness that makes me sick to my stomach. I ache to hold Gretta, to smell her, to feel her little body against my own. Nothing makes it better, nothing fills that void, nothing. It is in these moments that I think I will not make it through this, I just can't possibly make it. I can't go on even a minute more, there has to be some relief.

During these times I can only believe that it is God Himself that reaches down to soothe my soul, because when it passes, it does so silently without me being aware. I look back on these last 4 months and I think of the times of intense sorrow. Unbearable moments really, that I have lived through. Sitting in the shower dry heaving, waves of physical pain coming over me again, again. Sitting out on the front steps feeling as if I was surrounded by a pool of thick murky water, not seeing, not hearing, not believing. Matt and I getting into bed, looking at the ceiling, both of us sobbing out loud; waking up the next morning and not knowing if either of us ever stopped. Just cried ourselves to sleep alone but together.

Suddenly, I realize. I am still here. I am still breathing, I am still standing, I am still. I am.

3 comments:

Georgia said...

Spring will be here soon. It's been so cold this year and for you colder for there is no feeling there to feel the outside cold. But you are who you were,you are the same sweet wife, mother, helper in your church, God's child. This will never past, but you'll learn to live around it. I know how you arms hurt to hold her. Sometimes when everyone is gone or a sleep I will go pull out my daughter's sleeping shirt, hold it smell it. I don't even know if it still smells, it does for me. Gretta, I beleive is having the time of herself. If you went after her, she'd say "not now, wanta play here." Do know how Mary must have felt? Did she know that the Lord was going to use her son,never did she think in the way that he did. I think how she must have cried out to God. Begging just as you and I did. I don't know of anywhere that it tells of how her heart broke. Spring will be here soon. I pray for you, Matt and the kids. God's blessing are upon you. Georgia

Jennifer said...

Oh Lesley...sweet Lesley. I pray that God comes to you in these moments....I know he does. You have said you can feel Him. I can't even pretend to understand the agony that comes with the yearning to simply feel Gretta next to you. I can understand how it makes you physically sick though. I have had moments like that where I am so hurt over something it makes me feel ill in my stomach. I will pray for those times to be rare.

I like what Georgia said about thinking of Mary and how she must have felt going through what she did with Jesus. At least you can relate to her a little. I also like how she said if you were standing next to Gretta right now and you tried to get her to come to you she would say "I busy havin fun". I hope it makes you giggle a little.

Anonymous said...

Your writing are becoming less and less. I hope this means that your doing things and don't have the time to write. I pray that your not moving it all inword. Your writings have helped you more than you know. If you're not writing here I hope that you are somewhere.After a while your family and friends you don't want to tell them how your really feeling because you want them to think your doing good. And you feel like they don't want to hear it any more. So writing is really good for you. I'm still praying for you and your family. God is so with you.