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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Second Dream

I had a dream about Gretta. It is only the second dream I have had. I wanted to write about it as soon as I could, because the thing with dreams is that you forget so quickly. I dreamt last night.

What makes this dream significant is what was revealed to me in it. Most of the dream took place in my parents house on 9Th Ave., the house I grew up in, a house that Gretta was never in. There were several incidents in the dream where Gretta was in danger, injured, or close to death. (She was bleeding to death, almost drowned twice, was climbing to the tops of various dangerous heights and ran out into traffic.) The entire dream I was just trying to keep her alive, but it was also known to me during the dream that she had already died and I had gotten her back from God for some unknown reason.

There were people from my family, (parents, sisters and their husbands, other children) and people from my home church as well.

All of this insignificant really, compared to the the point. I was unsmiling, angry at everyone, at one point everyone was going to a church event and asked if I would go. "NO! I'm NOT going!" I replied. "Why not?" my brother-n-law said, "Because I'm just NOT!"

Everywhere I did go (with Gretta holding my hand), I was unsmiling, sedated almost and angry.
I remember thinking, "Why did YOU take her and then give her back if all I am going to be doing is trying to keep her alive now?" It was then that my subconscious thought, "Why am I so angry in this dream, why aren't I happy that I have my baby back?"

A voice in my dream replied, (it could have been my own voice or God's), "You are in the anger stage of grief."

Okay, so that was the point. The interesting thing is that I had no idea I was in the angry stage. I know that it's 1. shock 2. denial 3. depression 4. anger 5. acceptance.
I had always thought I may bypass any anger stage on the sole fact that I am a Christian and that I trusted God's choice and knew Gretta's days were numbered from the beginning. I don't act angry, I don't walk around mad or sulky. I am very cheery at work and with people around me. But I AM angry. It isn't the kind of anger I previously have known. It is a deep anger, something inside me that is just there, something smaller than who I am as a person, but large enough to loom.

The upside? I know now. It is identified and by identifying it. Maybe there will be freedom? There will be freedom! Maybe not right this minute, maybe not even for awhile, but it will come. I am looking forward to #5. acceptance. Knowing I am in the anger stage reveals once again to me that we are human. We are made FULLY human, therefore FAITH will not spare us from humanity while we are here on earth. I will go through the stages of grief, they will not escape me and I will not escape them. Faith however; will keep me from getting stuck in anger and becoming a bitter, angry, wrinkly old crank. I believe that too.

I believe this dream was insightful, purposeful in that insight. A vision perhaps of my insides. Revealing, a shining light on the truth of my anger.

6 comments:

Alex Jerry; Stephanie Jerry said...

Lesley,
Thank you so much for being transparent.

Alex Jerry; Stephanie Jerry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

I am so proud of you.....in a way that there are not any words. Respect comes to mind.....often.

This journey has been filled with so many tears, grief, sorrow, pain, and so many questions. I am glad to see that in God's time.....His own season....these are being revealed to you. Freedom will come of it....you are right in that. God would not deny you that after all this. Hope is a beautiful thing.

I pray for blessings to fill you and your family.....too many to hold!

A day in the Life... said...

I am glad that you were able to feel that your dream helped you :) I am praying that you will be able to continue to hold fast to God while you endure another stage.

Anonymous said...

I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing

Anonymous said...

I know you wont be angry bitter and cranky, Praise God! but the wrinkly part.. there is NO escaping!!!:) Love Angel